Writing to Reach You
by ijustkeepswimming
Summary: Diary entries from Charlie and Joey as they deal with their turbulent relationship
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Friday 27****th**** February 2009**

**12:32pm**

I was so excited when I got this job. Some girls dream about being movie stars, some dream of... you know, half the time I don't know what normal girls dream of. But all I've ever wanted to do is live my life on the water. It's been a family joke since I was small, back when life was funny, that it's in our blood to work with boats. I know Brett's not into it like I am and he used to accuse me of trying to suck up to Dad but it was never about that. This is just where I'm happiest, where I'm at home. To me, there is nothing more incredible than have the salty air in my face and the wind in my hair, being at one with the waves, having the space to get in touch with all your senses. Being on a boat makes me feel so safe and I have such happy memories of my childhood, back when things were innocent and fun. Mum was alive and we were a normal family. Now it's just Brett and I and I haven't felt normal since... I can't remember when. I was never normal. But it was easy to pretend then, especially when I was sailing and there was no pressure to be like the other girls at school, who I could never have fitted in with if I'd tried. In fact, if I had been like them, it would have been frowned upon. I guess a boat was the only place I felt like I belonged. So when I got this job, I was so happy. But reality never measures up to the fantasies you have in your head. And as someone who lives more in fantasy land than reality, I can vouch for that.

So far, I haven't been able to go to work and live in the utopia I usually muster up when I'm on the water and it's disappointing beyond the telling of it. Every time I lose myself in my work, Robbo's voice breaks into my thoughts and ruins everything and I come crashing back to earth. How can one person destroy everything you love just by existing? He's just... vile. I know I've known him for years and I should be used to him by now but he's made my skin crawl ever since I met him. He and Brett went to school together. They're best friends and ever since we lost Mum and Dad, he's been round the house more often than he's been away from it. I know he didn't want me to start working alongside him. I didn't want to start working alongside him! But it was a toss up between whether to give up the opportunity to work on a boat or to avoid working with someone I didn't like and I decided not to let him get in the way of my dream. We tolerated each other before. He irritated me but I coped with his disgusting sexual innuendos and bad manners. I mean, even if I was into guys, he would be the last on a very long list! He's awful. His sister is kind of hot though. And a good kisser. And good in... But anyway, I was talking about work!

Robbo has had it in for me since I started working there and it's getting worse every day, especially now that Aden has interfered and told Lou about the situation. Aden's a good guy and his heart is in the right place. I know he was trying to help but man, he is utterly clueless. How did he ever think telling tales would make things better for me? He's made things so much worse. But I'm determined to stay strong. I've worked far too hard to get to where I am and I live a life too full of isolation already to give up on a job that I could potentially fall in love with, especially for someone like him. And can you imagine how proud of himself he would be when he comes round to see Brett of an evening? "Ha, ha, you quit your job because of me! You couldn't hack it!" No way. You don't grow up in a boating family and reach your early twenties hiding in the big, gay closet without learning a few things about self-preservation.

Well, lunch time's over and they're all heading back on board so I'd better get back to work. I seriously need to impress right now in order to get them off my case.

**Friday 27****th**** February 2009**

**9:07pm**

Okay, so I don't think I managed to impress many people after lunch. But it wasn't my fault. No prizes for guessing whose fault it really was. Ugh, I can't stand that man! He's not even a man. He's a worm. He's the faeces of a worm! I told him to check the ropes this morning. I tried to check them myself! But no, he had to play the macho man, the one who knows everything. He insisted everything was safe. It wasn't. And now I'm spending the evening broken and bruised, angry and upset. Brett has been no help at all. In fact, he's gone out for a drink with Robbo. I heard them laughing about it before they left, saying how I was trying to scapegoat for a genuine accident that was nobody's fault. It was all Robbo's fault. Pig! The rope he apparently secured came loose this afternoon, hit me and I ended up overboard. I love the water, but not so much that I want to be thrown off a boat and nearly drown in it. And aside from Aden, nobody tried to help! I have a vague memory of Robbo laughing. Maybe they thought I was fine and didn't realise that I was hurt. I'm so grateful to Aden though. He dived in and brought me to safety and seemed really worried about me. He wanted to take me to the hospital but I hate hospitals. I've spent too much time in them. We fixed my injuries there and then and I carried on, although I haven't been feeling so good since. I have a headache and my arm is stinging. Oh, I think I just heard Brett come home.

I owe Aden a drink for saving me. Maybe I'll call him over the weekend and we can hang out. I know I was mad at him for telling Lou about how Robbo has been to me but he's probably redeemed himself now. Plus, it would be nice to have a friend. He's a nice guy and I've been feeling pretty lonely. All I have is Brett really and he neither knows me nor understands me. Other than him, I meet a few girls here and there when I head out of town to find them but there's never been anyone special really. Maybe Charlene. And that isn't friendship anyway. That's... I don't really know what that is! But perhaps Aden and I could be friends. I like the solitude of boats but I'm aware of a craving for deeper relationships with people. I'm a great people watcher. I observe others as they stroll across the beach, eat in the Diner or hang out at the Surf Club and I can't help but envy the way people seem so connected in this town. I hope one day I could be part of it too. But I feel like I've always been an outside looking in. I probably always will be. Honestly, what am I twittering on about? Friendships and deeper connections... it must be the head injury. I've got some chores to do – dishes to wash, rubbish to take out... I'd best get on.

**Saturday 28****th**** February 2009**

**1:31pm**

I enjoyed a nice, long lie-in this morning and then a leisurely bath. My head is still aching a little but it is easing off so I'm not too worried. I've spent the day so far just pottering around, cleaning and tidying and enjoying not working and having to spend any time with Robbo. Oh dear, is this really what my life has come to – revolving it around whether I have to see him or not? I sent Aden a text to see whether he would like to do something tonight and he said he did. I'm really pleased. I'm desperate to get a social life!

**Sunday 1****st**** March 2009**

**8:11pm**

I saw the cutest girl last night while I was out with Aden. I have no idea who she is. To be fair, I have no idea who most people here are. But she was beautiful – slim with long, wavy, dark hair and the most captivating eyes. She made a cameo in my dreams! Wow...

Anyway, putting my hormones to one side, Aden and I had a good time. It was good to get to know him outside of work. He seems like a nice, safe guy. He's obviously besotted with his girlfriend, Belle. He says he's worried about her at the moment because she's so stressed out but he's playing dutiful boyfriend and taking care of her as much as he can. I know he takes a lot of sneaky phone calls from her at work. He asked me a lot about myself and I tried not to show my discomfort. I tried not to be uncomfortable. I guess I'm just used to hiding away and keeping secrets. I need to unlearn that really. He asked about boyfriends. I tried not to laugh. I'm so not ready to talk about that yet. I just told him that I wasn't really ready for a relationship or anything yet. I just wanted to settle down at work rather than having any distractions. That's how we got talking about Belle actually. We talked a little about Robbo. Aden doesn't like him either. He says he doesn't like the way he treats me and that he's testing his patience. It's nice to know that I have someone on my side. Oh, that's the door...

**Sunday 1****st**** March 2009**

**9:24pm**

It was Robbo at the door. I really can't stand him. He came to see Brett but couldn't resist having a word with me before coming into the living room. He told me that my days on the boat were numbered and that there was nothing I could do about it. I chose not to react. I smiled, offered him and Brett a beer each and now I'm back in my room, determined to stay out of their way. I'm going to get an early night and be up and ready for anything tomorrow. The more he throws at me, the nicer I'm going to be. Then in theory, he'll get bored and leave me alone.

**Monday 2****nd**** March 2009**

**12:36pm**

You'd think it would be pretty hard to have a worse work day than Friday when I got knocked overboard but today is not looking so hot. It started okay. I woke up, went to get coffees for everyone (including Robbo – yuck!) from the Diner and caught sight of that hot woman again, in a police uniform, no less, and then started working. The atmosphere on the boat is insane. Robbo has been sticking to me like shit to a blanket! Everywhere I go, he goes. Has he never heard of personal space? And it's not like I can tell him to get the hell away because that would ruin my whole 'I'm being nice to him' tack. I swear I even heard someone comment that he and I were together. That would be funny if it weren't so tragic. Me and Robbo? Yuck! Goodness, imagine if he ever found out about me and his sister! He'd go crazy. I don't think I'm in any danger there though. She's even further in the closet than I am and I don't see her emerging into a butterfly any time soon. And if she does, she'd better not try and take me with her!

Anyway, if Robbo thinks he's going to oust me off this boat, he's got another thing coming. He's not making things easy but I'm no quitter and I'm not sacrificing my life and my dreams for his sake. He's been making inappropriate comments, loaded with sexual innuendo all day. I've been nice. I haven't taken the bait. I haven't got angry. I've been faultless. Except with Aden. I know I've been really snappy with him and I feel terrible about it, especially considering we had such a nice night on Saturday. But all my effort is going into tolerating Robbo. I don't have the energy to handle Aden's questions too. I'll talk to him later. I'll apologise and make it right with him as soon as I can. Right now, I'm going to make a complaint about safety on this boat. If I can convince them that Robbo was responsible for the accident on Friday, maybe he'll get fired and I can live in peace. Here's hoping!

**Monday 2****nd**** March 2009**

**10:01pm**

I feel sick. I've taken four showers. I still can't stop shaking. I feel so sick.

**Monday 2****nd**** March 2009**

**11:52pm**

Pull yourself together, Joey. Clear your head. Prepare yourself to be strong, stronger than you've ever needed to be before.

**Monday 2****nd**** March 2009**

**11:54pm**

I can't.

**Tuesday 3****rd**** March 2009**

**12:39am**

I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I can see his face, his body. I hurt. Physically and emotionally. I can't cope. He's ripped me apart.

**Tuesday 3****rd**** March 2009**

**2:00am**

I still can't sleep. And I still can't explain what happened. How can I face work tomorrow?

**Tuesday 3****rd**** March 2009**

**5:30am**

I'm exhausted and restless all at the same time. There is no way I can go back to that boat. He's won. It's over. I quit.

**Tuesday 3****rd**** March 2009**

**10:36am**

I've spent the morning fussing around the house. I got out of bed after no sleep and had a long shower. Then I told Gibsy that I'm not coming back to work. He didn't really care. Now I've cleaned the house, done the washing and made the beds. I thought maybe I could actually begin to write in here properly but I can't. It's too much. I'm going to hang the washing out.

**Tuesday 3****rd**** March 2009**

**5:00pm**

Aden came to visit me today. I don't know why I was surprised. He's always trying to do the right thing and I guess we're friends. He wanted to know why I walked out when I'd been telling him all this time how much the job meant to me. And I know it must seem strange to an outsider but there is no way on this earth that I will ever tell him or another living soul about anything that happened to me. What happened between Robbo and I, stays between Robbo and I. It will remain forever inside that boat and never emerge. I'm not talking about it. I'm not writing about it. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick.

Well, Robbo got what he wanted in the end. I was delusional to think that I had any chance of beating him. Just like reality never matches up to a fantasy, evil always wins out over good. I should have figured that out by now. But then, maybe I'm not so good. Maybe I deserved it. Most of the Summer Bay residents would be shocked and appalled by me if they knew me. I'm not exactly the picture of innocence, sneaking off into the city any chance I get, not bothering to fight this attraction to women. Maybe life is punishing me in some terribly harsh way? No, I'm really not writing about this.

Where was I? Aden came by but I didn't want to talk to him. He said that I needed to come to the boat for the inspection about the complaint I'd made. I'd almost forgotten about it. I made it twenty-four hours before Aden visited, back when I was confident and naive. I might have still gone ahead if I hadn't had to appear in person but to go to war, as it were, with the boat is too much for me. I need a clean break. I need to keep my head down and heal. I'm in so much pain, in every possible way. I just need to escape. I can't deal with any of this.

It took me forever just to leave the house. I started sweating and shaking and I threw up all over one of the sheets I'd hung up on the line. By the time I arrived and caught a glimpse of Robbo wandering around without a care in the world, I'd made up my mind about things for sure. He has everything and I have nothing. I don't stand a chance against him. He proved that, if nothing else, yesterday. And I am never, ever going through anything like that again. I'd rather die. I plucked up every ounce of courage I had, which isn't a lot, and headed toward the boat, grateful that Aden was there. I know he still works for them but I also know that if Robbo had laid a hand on me in front of anybody, Aden would have stepped in. I withdrew the complaint but the inspector was already concerned about health and safety on the boat and he and Robbo got into a fight because he temporarily shut them down. The police were called and Aden took me out of the way while we waited for them. I tried so hard to keep it together but all I wanted to do was cry and run away. But I had to stay because I was a 'witness'. I desperately wanted to see Robbo arrested. Unfortunately it didn't happen. The inspector guy was disgruntled but didn't seem keen on pressing charges so the officers let it go. One of them, ironically the woman I've lusted over twice in recent days, came over to talk to Aden and I. She noticed that I was in a bad way. I didn't even have the energy or inclination to pay attention to her. That's a worrying measurement of how bad things are. I was embarrassed that she had seen my desperation. Is it that obvious? Do I have rape victim tattooed to my forehead? Oh God, I actually wrote it down.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Tuesday 3****rd**** March 2009**

**20:04**

If I was indecisive about swearing off guys before, I am 100% sure now. And if I never see Hugo Austin again, it'll be too soon. The day started with coffee where I got harassed by Colleen about attending some stupid speed-dating night she's got planned on Thursday. Two words – no way! I can't think of anything worse. And she seems to have it in her head that I'm going to end up as some sad old spinster. I'm not that bad! I mean, there was Roman. I had serious feelings for him. But looking back, he was never into me on the same level. Then Angelo. Let's not even go there. And Miles. We kissed. It was nice. Okay, it comes to something when your smallest disaster since you arrived in town is a stupid kiss with a friend that never should have happened. And that's not even mentioning pre-Summer Bay disasters. And now there is waste of space Hugo. He went to all that effort to ask me on a date, after an extended period of flirtation, and then he stood me up. I wasn't even going to make an effort but between Ruby and Watson getting over-excited about it, I guess I bought into it too. So yes, I did make an effort. And if Alf's reaction is anything to go by, I looked pretty nice. Even if I do say so myself. And then, just as I was buying myself a drink and preparing to wait for the jerk, he called to say he couldn't make it and left me standing there feeling like a fool.

I never should have bothered in the first place. I never should have said yes. It was against all my instincts. I've been saying for a while now that I just don't want to get involved with a guy for a while. I need to be single, spend a little time being me. Ruby insists that's a cop out. She has this whole theory worked out that I don't let people get close to me, that I hold them at arms length and nobody knows who I really am. I don't know. Maybe there is something to that. It's just that if people know you, they know how to hurt you. I started opening up to Roman and look what happened there. He was never really real with me and I got hurt. But I don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Colleen is old fashioned about things like that. I've got a job that takes up a lot of my time; I have my sister to look after, my Dad to care for... My life is pretty packed. I wouldn't have time for a relationship even if I wanted one – which I don't. I categorically don't. I went on the date because Hugo asked and I made an effort because other people encouraged me to, not because I wanted to. Maybe it might have gone somewhere if Hugo had been a worthwhile human being but he messed it up and ruined any chance he ever had with me. His loss. End of story.

Right now, I'm mostly just embarrassed. I've been a bit short with Ruby, who tried to apologise to me for getting all excited about it. I guess I was just looking forward to a bit of attention. I can't help but crave someone to care about me. But at the same time, being close to someone... no, it's not really for me, not right now. Ugh, I'm going round in circles. I need a glass of wine and a hot bath and then I'm going to curl up in my lonely bed.

**Wednesday 4****th**** March 2009**

**18:07**

It's been yet another long day, beginning with a bad mood. I overslept, stubbed my toe on my dresser and by the time I got to the shower there was no hot water. I stormed out of the house as quickly as possible and even though I was running late, I couldn't bear not to stop for a coffee on my way. Colleen just topped off my morning by hassling me yet again about the stupid speed-dating thing again, even making comments about how a man would probably like a woman in uniform. I really didn't need that image in my head today! As if I would play uniforms with anybody... well, maybe a couple of times. Anyway, moving on... The day got progressively more wonderful as I bumped into the delightful Hugo (are you detecting my sarcasm?) who apologised about last night and offered up some lame excuse that I really wasn't in the mood for.

Work was pretty slow all day – lots of paperwork, a fight and a speeding ticket. Fortunately my mood did pick up marginally. Alf was a really sweetheart at lunch time, telling me that Hugo wasn't worth it and basically that I shouldn't bother with him. No need to tell me! I won't be! I am a man-free-zone from now on. Journal, it's just me and you from now on! He put his foot in it by telling Hugo how dressed up I was, which is quite embarrassing but I won't hold it against him. You can't really hold anything against Alf. He's too lovely. Hugo and I talked about Ruby and Xavier later and we've made some kind of peace and agreed to support our siblings getting together, although if Xavier hurts my little sister one more time, I swear I'll hunt him down. And if Hugo thinks he'll ever have a second chance with me, he has another thing coming.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Wednesday 4****th**** March 2009**

**6:07pm**

Okay, I need to write down what happened. I can't keep it inside me any longer. If I write it down then maybe I can channel it outside of me and let it go. Perhaps then it will stop contaminating me, making me feel so dirty and ashamed. Perhaps then I can move on. Perhaps. Here goes...

Below deck that day, Robbo and I argued. I made a comment about him not being able to have me. I forget why. It was something he said and the way he was so sleazy with me. Retrospectively, it was a stupid thing to do. You don't challenge someone like Robbo, especially like that. I mean, I was practically asking for it. That's what he's probably thinking anyway. Was I? Was it my fault? I just don't understand what happened. Ugh, my thoughts are so jumbled and confused all the time. I get so restless, so distracted. I can't concentrate. I need to write this down. I need to make sense of this. I need to survive.

So we were below deck and he told me that if he wanted me, he could have me. There was just something in the way he said it and the way he looked that turned my blood cold. I was frightened. I asked Aden not to leave to boat without me. He promised he wouldn't. He promised. He left without me. Robbo was thrilled. I tried to get off the boat. He held me back. He raped me. He ruined my life.

So, there it is, all on paper. I can only write the facts. I can't deal with my feelings. After the altercation with the inspector yesterday, Aden took me home. He tried to get me to talk. I can't. I just can't. I want to curl up into a ball and hide away forever. All I've been doing these past two days is clean and tidy and hide away in the house. Two days have felt like two years. I've never been good at staying inside anyway. I like being outside in the fresh air, getting exercise, doing things. I hate being cooped up here. But I'm afraid of seeing him everywhere I turn. I'm just grateful he hasn't come round to see Brett since it happened. They normally get together on Friday nights. I'm dreading it.

**Thursday 5****th**** March 2009**

**10:04pm**

I tempted fate by writing about Robbo coming over to the house. He came to see Brett last night. I hid in my room in tears and wedged my bedroom door shut with my desk chair. I've never been able to get a lock on my door because Dad and now Brett would always have demanded to know what secrets I was trying to keep so I learnt the chair trick. It doesn't quite lock it but at least the chair moves so you're given some warning that someone's coming in and it provides a little resistance. I've used it for dates before. Dates... that world seems so far away from me now. I can't imagine ever being attracted to anyone again. The thought of trusting anyone with my body, of letting them go near me... It makes me feel sick and frightened. Robbo's stolen everything away from me. I don't see how I'm ever going to be able to go back to my "normal" life ever again.

**Friday 6****th**** March 2009**

**12:29pm**

Yet another day of feeling dirty. It's like I will never be clean or happy again. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate Robbo. How could one person destroy another like this? He was yelling things at me earlier. I'm trying so hard not to be too afraid to leave the house but it's so hard. I've never been a crier. Dad always taught us that 'tears were for the weak' but I can't stop crying and I'm in a constant state of alert and fright just in case Robbo shows up somewhere when I'm alone. What if, after what happened, he's got a taste for it? What if he tries to hurt me again? I'm still in a fair amount of pain. I don't even know if that's normal or not and I have no way of finding out. If I went to the hospital then they would ask questions that I'm not prepared to answer and if _anyone _thinks they're examining me... no way. Never. I have to get out of this place but I have nowhere to go. I'm complete trapped. And the worst thing is that Robbo knows it. Hang on. Aden's knocking at the door. He's already been to see me once today, trying to get me to open up. But I'm closed. And I always will be.

**Friday 6****th**** March 2009**

**2:30pm**

It looked like things were looking up for a moment there but no, it's ruined again. When Aden made his second visit, it was with the offer of bar work. I snapped it up. The thought of leaving the house terrifies me but I know if I don't do it now then I am never going to do it. I'm stuck living here for the next however long and Robbo will be here too. I can't get away from him. And the best thing I can do for myself now is show him that I am not a victim. I am not _his _victim. Plus, I can't stay unemployed forever. Brett is giving me grief about hanging around the house and not bringing in an income and of course he doesn't know why I quit the boat. Even if I told him, I don't know what he'd do or say. He'd either become fiercely protective of me and kill Robbo (that would be nice) or he wouldn't believe me and I'd lose him. And sadly, he's the only person I have in this world. Well, I guess I have Aden but it's not really the same. He's just a friend. Maybe he's not even that. He's an ex-colleague, an acquaintance. We don't know each other that well. He has his own life – a home, friends, a girlfriend – he's not going to be looking out for me in the way that I would need someone to if Brett turned me away.

Anyway, I put on my brave face and went with him to the Surf Club – where he and I went for drinks at the weekend – and sold myself as best I could to Alf Stewart. I've met him a few times before and he's really nice and he took me on immediately. I think it was largely out of desperation as he was rushed off his feet but I didn't care. Things started so promisingly. That phrase I wrote last week about reality never matching up seems to constantly ring true for me though. It went wrong after a few hours. I'm so desperately disappointed. I took to the job and could really see myself making a go of things. I mean, sure, I never saw myself as a barmaid before but I'm not in a position to be inflexible. I even noticed the beautiful policewoman, having a drink with her friend, Martha. I mean, I didn't notice her with any enthusiasm but I was aware that she was there and that's got to be a step in the right direction, right? Maybe I'm just kidding myself. Maybe Robbo really has beaten me and stolen my life.

I won't get carried away and say I was feeling great but I was feeling better than I have since Monday. Considering it's only Thursday, I think that's pretty good progress, although it feels like it's been weeks rather than days. Alf thought I was doing so well that he asked if he could leave me alone for a little while. I know I looked stricken. And I know he never would have left me if only I had said I'd prefer him not to. But I was trying to prove myself. And I failed. I let him down. I let Aden down. I let myself down.

Alf had only been gone for a few minutes when Robbo arrived. I swear he was waiting for me. That thought alone is enough to freak me out. Does he wait for me a lot? Does he watch me when I don't realise? Why would he do that? Stupid question, Joey – why would Robbo do half the things he's done to you? He sauntered casually up to the bar and leaned against it as if no violence had ever occurred between us. He said that Aden had told him about the job. I suppose I can't really be mad at Aden for it. How is he to know? He's aware that Robbo and I don't get along but he doesn't know the depth of it. He doesn't know what Robbo did to me. No-one does. And no-one will. Robbo told me that he was going to make the Surf Club his regular watering hole and then he held onto my hair. My blood turned cold and I froze. I just couldn't move. The last time I froze like that was when he, when he... He threatened me to keep my mouth shut – as if I'd tell anyone what happened. I don't want anybody to know that I let him do that to me, that he possessed me, that his body was on top of mine, that he violated me in the worst possible way. I don't want anybody to know anything about this. If I could go and have an operation right now that removed the entire incident from my memory, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

He left and I fled. I didn't know where I was running to, exactly but I ended up in a store cupboard. How ironic that I would end up in a closet, really. Once I was by myself, I just burst into tears. He touched me. He touched my hair. I feel like shaving it all off. I feel like ripping all my skin off, to be honest. The urge to throw up was nearly overwhelming but I fought it. Alf was going to be mad at me enough for running off, let alone vomiting all over his stock. That's just not polite. I'd really only been in there, crying my heart out for a few moments when I heard the door open and shut behind me. I nearly jumped out of my tainted skin, utterly convinced that Robbo had come to finish what he started but instead of his threatening figure, it was the policewoman. Her voice was so gentle that it made me cry harder. She asked me if I was okay, which, alright, dumb question but it was nice that she cared. I told her that I couldn't go back out there. I don't know what I expected from her. Laughter? Humiliation? Judgement? Ridicule? I have no idea. Whatever it was, nobody could have been kinder. She just told me that it was fine, still in that voice that offered so much compassion. She said she'd go and get Alf and then she and Martha could drive me home. I knew I'd break under her kindness so I told her I'd walk. I could barely look at her but I could feel her gaze on me, like she was trying to work me out, just like she had the boat the other day. She didn't press the issue, just accepted what I said, told me to stay there and promised to be back soon. She touched my shoulder and it frightened me. To think that just last weekend she'd been getting me so hot under the collar. It seems laughable now. The thought of such a beautiful woman touching me would have driven me wild last week and now it just makes me feel my pain even more acutely.

She came back within seconds, having sent Martha to get Alf and she waited in the cupboard with me. She'd obviously noticed my fright at her touch because she didn't try it again. She did offer me a lift again but she was too kind. If I spent any time with her, I might have revealed something and that is not an option, especially considering her profession. She helped me calm down though, just by standing with me and making idle conversation. She told me her name was Charlie and encouraged me to introduce myself as well, which I did. She asked about Robbo hassling me. Obviously she'd been watching, which is pretty embarrassing. But I didn't want to talk about it and she didn't pressure me. She and Martha told Alf that I was sick and needed to go home. I'll call him tomorrow and tell him I can't come back to work. I hope he won't be too angry with me. As I was leaving, Charlie said that if I needed anything, just to come and find her. She was kind.

Since then, I've just been sitting on the pier, hoping I'm out of harm's way. I'm still having nightmares about it and it plagues me every waking moment. I feel like Robbo crawled inside my skin and left his mark there. He's contaminated me. The person I used to be is gone. He's replaced me with something ugly of his own creation. And I hate giving him that power. I hate him. I hate myself. And I hate Aden. If he had just waited for me that day then this never would have happened.

**Friday 6****th**** March 2009**

**7:00pm**

I told Aden what happened. Actually I screamed it at him and hit him as hard as I could before breaking down in a heap. He held me and begged me to explain. We sat there for two hours talking. I never thought I'd share my secret with another living soul, especially a man but the truth poured out of me and he listened so patiently. I guess Aden's not really like any of the other men I know. He's not like Brett or my Dad and he's certainly nothing like Robbo. There's something very earnest and gentle about him; something that I trust. Obviously I didn't go into the murkier details. He doesn't need a visual, but I went through what happened. By the end of the story he looked utterly traumatised. He felt guilty. Then I felt guilty. It wasn't his fault. If he'd known I was in danger, I know he would have saved me. But neither of us really knew at that point what Robbo was capable of. I go through phases of blaming him but realistically, I know that if Robbo was really intent on doing that to me, he would have found a way to do it on that day or any other day. If that's what he wanted from me, the chances are, there was very little I could do about it other than getting a twenty-four hour bodyguard. And really, that's no way to live. If anyone could have avoided this, it was me. If only I hadn't been so damn stubborn and determined to stick it out on the boat, I could be fine now. It was my pride that caused this, my own arrogance. If I'd just submitted and stopped getting in the way, kept quiet, played nicely... If only I had done things differently. If only I'd stayed away from him, quit my job and stopped being so proud. I've not exactly got anything to be proud about now, have I? I'm disgusting.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Thursday 5****th**** March 2009**

**23:43**

I had a pretty long day at work today but tomorrow I get a glorious day off and I can't wait. And I went out with Martha tonight, which was nice. See? I do have a social life. Sometimes. And I don't need a man to provide me with it either. Speaking of men, there was a serious jerk out tonight. I think his name's Rob or some derivative of that. I had to investigate some boat altercation he was involved with earlier this week. He's one of those typical, sleazy guys who are totally full of themselves. They really grate on me. We were having a great time, relaxing and laughing but he'd been getting rowdier and rowdier throughout the night. I suppose the more beer that went down his throat, the more aggressive he became. Even his friends didn't seem to want to hang out with him. Aden was with him – I think they work together – and he seemed entirely unimpressed. Anyway, Alf finally had enough and decided to remove him from the bar but the guy did not want to go quietly. They never do. As a cop, I'm never really off duty so while I didn't interfere, I was ready to help if I was needed. Alf can normally handle these things by himself though. The guy must have seen me looking because he started making lecherous comments towards me. He turned my stomach. Anyway, it's getting pretty late and I'm planning on getting up and out to the gym in the morning and then I'm taking Martha out for lunch. I think she needs some TLC at the moment. And I think I do as well.

**Friday 6****th**** March 2009**

**19:54**

Okay, it's official – I can't leave other people's problems alone. There was an altercation at the Surf Club today and now I cannot get this poor girl, Joey out of my head. She just looked so broken. I don't know her. She isn't my problem. But I feel compelled to help. Sometimes I even irritate myself.

I woke up, enjoyed a wonderful workout that made me feel so great. There really is nothing better. Nothing that I know of anyway! Then, as planned, I took Martha out to lunch. We had a really great time and reminded me of exactly what I've been missing by getting so engrossed in work all the time and shutting myself away. I need to be more sociable and connect with my friends. I mean, I live with Leah and I still don't even do that much with her. Now, _that _is sad. Of course, Martha lives with Hugo and she wanted to talk about him. A lot. Too much. It was my only point of irritation with her. I really didn't want to talk about him. I've forgiven but I've not forgotten. Hang on, maybe that means I haven't really forgiven. I don't know. I was pretty firm about not talking about him. I was probably a little too firm. I know I can come across as a little abrupt sometimes. I don't mean it. I just wanted to make it clear that Hugo and I are off the menu. I don't want to be with anybody right now, especially not someone who'll dump me at the last minute. If I was going to get with someone, they'd have to be incredible. I'm talking, someone who would sweep me off my feet and break through all my barriers and really get to the heart of me. I want someone who makes my heart pound because they're so hot, who can hold me and make me feel safe in their arms, who'll listen to me and really hear what I say, who can kiss me and make the world stop spinning on its axis. I want someone who knows me so well, including all my flaws and loves me anyway. And someone who really wants me, isn't just after whatever they can get because someone they really like isn't available. I want someone strong in character, who knows themselves and can make me laugh so hard that I cry. See? I'm not asking for much, really. And until perfection comes along, I'm staying single.

Anyway, I digress. While Martha and I were finishing our drinks, I noticed Alf leaving his new employee, this girl, Joey, alone at the bar. Pretty much as soon as he left, the jerk from last night arrived and marched straight up to her. I've never seen somebody shrink so small in fright before. Martha was chattering away but I was only really half listening. She was talking about Hugo's new business venture. I think it's something about diving or sailing or swimming or snorkelling or something. I don't really care. The conversation at the bar was taking up most of my attention. Joey looked so frightened. I just wanted to barge over and throw the guy out. But I didn't want to make a scene. And before I got around to doing anything, he was gone and she fled. She hid in a storage cupboard. I excused myself and went to find her. She was in a terrible state, crying and shaken. I dread to think what he said to her. She jumped when I came in but I tried to be as gentle as possible with her. She quite obviously wanted to go home. I organised for Alf to come back and I waited with her. I introduced myself and mentioned the guy that she'd spoken to. I offered her a lift home but she didn't want one. She shut me down at every turn and jumped in fright when I touched her shoulder. It's strange. I see people like this regularly in my job, so I'm not sure why she got to me. Maybe it's because it wasn't at work. There I was, just having lunch and I saw this terrified vulnerability displayed in front of me. I'm not sure what's happened to her but she's definitely been the victim of something and that guy is involved. I'm really not sure what to do about it now though. I mean, it's nothing to do with me. I don't know her. I don't know anything about her – not even her last name – but I feel compelled to rescue her. I can't explain it. If only you'd seen her. You'd understand.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Sunday 8****th**** March 2009**

**8:02am**

I haven't managed to do a whole lot this weekend. I'm not much of an achiever these days. Although, have I ever been? When I was growing up, I was never terribly exceptional at school. I mean, I did well enough but I wasn't special. I was good at working a boat. Dad didn't like me on dry land but on a boat, I was his girl. I knew my stuff there. As an adult, my life has drifted really. My biggest achievement has been to live a sordid double life that nobody has figured out yet. It's weird because it never felt sordid at the time. It never felt wrong, except when I came back home and thought about how Brett would react if he ever found out about me. What is it that makes me sordid? Is it that I've only had flings? Or is it that it's only ever been girls? Being gay has never felt wrong to me. It's part of me, a part that I can't explain. I didn't choose it. I didn't want it. It's just who I am. I was angry about it for such a long time and then when I was sixteen I met Charlene and she showed me that it really wasn't dirty and awful like I'd been led to believe. I never thought the day would come when I thought of Charlene and shuddered. But I can't help it now. The only way I can think back through my past with any level of fondness is if I disassociate from my body and pretend that it was different life and I was a different girl. I guess in a lot of ways that's true. I'm totally different to who I was this time last week. I hardly recognise myself anymore.

Aden has been texting and keeping in touch with me. It's sweet that he cares. He seems to have taken all this to heart. I wasn't really expecting that. I feel bad that tomorrow morning he has to go and work with him but what can I do about it? So far it's been a Robbo-free weekend and that's good in my book. I mean, granted, I've hardly left my room and I haven't left the house at all but still, I'm trying to take any positives wherever I can find them.

**Monday 9****th**** March 2009**

**8:35pm**

I hate Aden! I hate him, hate him, hate him! He's told so many people about what happened to me that he may as well have published it in the paper. This morning, Robbo approached me and threatened me to keep quiet. He also knows I'm gay and there is only one possible way that he could. I'm going to kill Megan (his sister) if I ever get my hands on her. And I bet whatever she's said isn't the truth because there is no way she would out herself as well as me. And if that's the case, I should get this diary out and show him past entries in here. Then he'd know exactly what his precious, heterosexual sister is like! She was the one who came onto me. And afterwards, she and I talked loads and while I may have been her first, I certainly wasn't the first she'd ever considered. And I'm fairly certain I haven't been her last by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe I should tell him that. Not that I ever want to speak to him again. I never want to speak to him, see him, be in the same room as him, live in the same town as him... be on the same planet as him. I hate him. And I hate her. How could she out me to her brother? She knows what he's like. Okay, she doesn't know exactly how awful he is but she knows he's not a good guy. She's spoken about it herself. And she knows he'd make my life miserable if he found out about us. Why would she do that to me? Well, at least I don't need to worry about any more romantic burdens. I'll never get involved with anybody ever again. I just couldn't bear it.

I went on-line and googled some support website and they kept going on about getting help and how you won't always feel as terrible as you do when something like this happens to you. It insists that there is life after rape. But I'm really not sure there is. I can't imagine ever feeling any different than I do now. Healing is going to take such a long time and I haven't even begun yet. I don't know where to start. All of this is such a mess. Robbo knows I'm gay. He's threatening me. Megan's shooting her mouth off to goodness knows who. Aden knows that I was raped. He confronted Robbo. And he told Belle and I don't know how many other people. I will never forgive him for that. And I can't help but wonder what he and Belle are thinking about me now. Do they think it was my fault? Can they read the shame on my face? Do they know how much I hate myself now that I have two dirty little secrets instead of just the one? Did that Charlie woman figure me out too?

I yelled at Aden and blamed him again for not being there when it mattered. I feel bad about it. That wasn't his fault. He told me on Friday that he really did intend to stay but that Belle had needed him and Robbo had told him I'd already left. I could blame him for not checking, but what's the point? I can blame him for telling the whole of Summer Bay though. Being Joey the Rape Victim would be even worse than being known as Joey the Lesbian. I can't handle either. I won't.

**Tuesday 10****th**** March 2009**

**5:57pm**

Aden stopped by with lunch today, which was sweet of him. I think he's trying to made amends for telling Belle and interfering when it comes to Robbo. I do understand that he was trying to do the right thing – again. But again, he got it wrong. And rationally, I know I need to account for him needing to unburden himself. Taking my issues on board is a big deal and to keep it inside him would be hard, especially if it meant keeping a secret from his girlfriend. It's just hard when it's your personal stuff that gets spilled. I don't want anyone knowing about this. Life is hard enough as it is. He told me that Robbo is claiming consensual sex. I can't say I'm surprised at all. He then tried to broach the subject of talking to the police but I shut him down immediately. There is no way in hell that I am going to press charges. I just want to forget the whole thing. I know that's a stupid thing to write. It's a stupid thing to think. I can't forget it. I'll never, ever be able to forget it. But telling the police is a sure fire way to prevent me from even trying. I don't care how nice that woman was, I'm not sharing my stuff with her. No chance.

**Wednesday 11****th**** March 2009**

**4:04pm**

I just got back from seeing Megan. I ventured out of the house in order to avoid going crazy and went for a walk along the beach and there she was. I charged up to her, demanding to know what she had said to her brother. At first she denied all knowledge but I'm not stupid. There was no other way he could have known to mention my "crushes" as I think he called them. Finally she burst into tears. Robbo caught her with a girl and she'd concocted this story about the girl coming onto her because she'd seen me and her together one time but actually what had happened was that I had made a pass at her and the girl had misinterpreted it. Or something. I didn't really get it. It was that kind of panic story people make up when they've been caught out in a big, fat lie. Whatever it is, I don't care and I don't like being made out to be some kind of lesbian predator. She was making out like some avalanche of uncontrollable lesbians were hurtling towards her and she was doing nothing to encourage them! If I remember it correctly – and I do – she kissed me. Yes, I kissed her back, but _she _started it. _She_ was the first person to remove any clothing and _she _was the one who took _my _hand and led _me _up to her parents' bedroom. I wasn't innocent. I was perfectly willing and able and it was amazing but she definitely held all the cards that night. And today, I told her so. She accepted it and admitted it but it doesn't make any difference. When she talks to Robbo, her story isn't going to change. And even if it does, it doesn't matter. Whether I started it or Megan did, he still knows I'm gay. He still holds more cards than me. He always has. I don't even have the joker.

**Thursday 12****th**** March 2009**

**2:04pm**

I am so horribly embarrassed. I plucked up the courage to ask a girl out today and it all went terribly, terribly wrong. I don't even know why I did it. I never want to be involved with anyone again. I can't be. No, I know why I did it. I was trying to pretend that I could forget everything and move on. I got talking to this girl, Nicole, after I helped her out with a guy who was giving her some hassle in the Surf Club. We were getting on well. She's pretty. Back before all of this happened, I may well have drooled a little but I don't do that anymore. I don't think I have the capacity to be deeply attracted to anyone anymore. I'm not sure if I feel sad or elated about it. For so long I wished that I could cut my sexuality out of myself. It felt like poison and I hated it. Maybe if it was just gone, I'd be happy but it's been replaced by a different kind of poison. This one is a worse kind of self-loathing than I've ever endured before. I'm almost envious of the girl I used to be who was uncomfortable in her own skin just because she was gay.

Anyway, I asked this girl out. I was just desperate to be "normal" again. I'd heard she kissed a girl at school a few weeks back so I figured it wouldn't be that hard, only it turned out that the girl kissed her. Nicole is straight and has a boyfriend. I'm not disappointed. I could never have gone through with it anyway. But I'm mortified about making a fool of myself. She was a real sweetheart about it, to be honest. She even said that if she was into girls, I'd be her type, although that's probably just one of those things that people say. I'm hanging around in baggy clothes, hiding my body, trying to shrink away as much as I can. I don't think I've ever been stunning, not like Nicole or that Charlie woman, but now... now I'm not even on the scale. I'm ruined. In every way imaginable.

So, I fled in a panic. It was stupid of me to even try and move on. It was utterly ridiculous. I won't be trying that again in a hurry. I don't think I'll be trying that again ever! I'm going to be a freak forever. Ugh, someone's knocking at my front door now. Why can't people leave me in peace?

**Thursday 12****th**** March 2009**

**5:00pm**

I'm in the surf club and I just don't know what to do with myself. After my humiliation with Nicole, she ran off and told Aden all about it. I didn't even realise they knew each other but they're practically family. She and Aden live together with Nicole's father, Roman, who is apparently the ex-boyfriend of Charlie, the policewoman. I don't think I'll ever get my head around this town.

Aden has got it into his head that I have a fool proof story to go to the police with. If I come out as gay then it blows Robbo's lie about consensual sex completely out of the water. However, there are so many flaws in that plan that I don't even know where to start. For one thing, I am not telling anybody that I'm a lesbian. And for another, I am not telling anybody about the violence that Robbo subjected me to. And on top of that, does he have any idea how hard it is to get a rape conviction? It's difficult enough when you have evidence. I have nothing but my word. As soon as it happened, I ran home and washed the evidence away. My bruises have faded now too. There is nothing to prove that he hurt me except my fractured soul. I don't have anything on him except that he's quite obviously a pig. But being a pig doesn't make you a rapist. It doesn't matter that it's completely true. It's too flimsy. I haven't helped myself. It will never stand up in court. I know that. Robbo knows it. Now I just need Aden to get it into his thick skull and stop hassling me. And he really doesn't understand the gay thing either. He was so dismissive of it, like it isn't a big deal. I guess it's easy for him, being a good looking, straight guy with a beautiful girlfriend. I bet he's never had to face anything like this before. Or maybe he has. Sometimes, just from the things he says, I wonder about his past. He seems to care about my situation so passionately that maybe there's some connection there for him. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it. There was just something about the way he spoke to me just now.

Anyway, he left my house dissatisfied and I went back to my room. My sleep pattern is seriously confused at the moment. I hardly slept at all last night so I decided to catch up during the day. All I seem to do these days is sleep, clean and try not to cry. How pathetic is that? Anyway, I hadn't been asleep for very long when there was more knocking on the door. I considered ignoring it but the knocking continued so I dragged myself up and opened the door. And who was standing there? None other than Aden with his cop friend, Charlie. I attempted to slam the door in their faces but Charlie was too quick for me and got in the way. I exited the house quickly and led them round the side. Brett had the day off and the last thing I needed was him asking awkward questions about why I was having intense conversations with policewomen and beefy, blonde boys. I was furious that Aden had gone behind my back when I had explicitly told him on more than one occasion that I didn't want to go to the police. I didn't want them involved. Charlie took the lead in the discussion as she followed me urgently but quietly, begging me to talk to her. She insisted that she wanted to help me. I can't say I've ever met such a dedicated cop before. Dad always told me police officers were devils in disguise but she doesn't seem to be. She pointed out that I was obviously not coping, which wasn't nice to hear. She reminded me about the time at the Surf Club, as if I could forget, and mentioned me on the beach that morning. I didn't even know she'd seen me. But I wasn't prepared to play along. I can't take this any further than it's already gone. If I have a court case hanging over my head then I'll never be able to forget it. And if I lose, well that's just another point to Robbo. And he's scored enough points already. But I'll admit it, she got to me. Standing there as such a contrast of images – wearing an authoritative police uniform and yet speaking to me like a counsellor. She wasn't asking for evidence or demanding proof. "Will you just come down to the station and talk to me?" she said. That's all she wanted. And that's all she got. I think it's when she said that she didn't blame me for feeling the way I do that she won me over. I found it absurd. I blame me. I don't understand why she doesn't.

I told Brett that I was going out for lunch with Aden and then I let Charlie drive me to the station, where I completely closed up and couldn't talk. She must have wanted to shake me, although she was really patient. She just sat there, not judging but nudging me to speak up about what happened. And she tried to pretend that Aden hadn't spilled his guts about my sexual preferences but it was obvious that she knew. I thought it was quite nice that she waited for me to tell her though, especially as it took a while. In the interview room, I could hardly speak at all, let alone admit one of my two biggest secrets. How do you tell an incredibly beautiful woman that you're into girls anyway? It's not the easiest thing, even if you take away the horrific circumstances. I went to talk to her in order to help her. She seemed so keen on me making a statement and she'd been so kind to me, I guess I didn't want to let her down but when it came to it, I had to. After an hour, she realised that we really weren't getting anywhere so she took me to the beach to chat more informally. I think I was even more terrified of that. Charlie is one of those warm people that you immediately trust and open up to. And I'm not used to that. I never have been, even before all of this.

On the beach, we sat side by side, away from anyone else. I watched the waves and curled into a foetal position, hugging my knees. I seem to do that a lot these days. It makes me feel protected. Charlie sat a safe distance away, not touching but still close. And she waited for me to open up. And I did. I told her how ashamed I felt about myself and what happened. It's normal apparently. I'm not sure if that's comforting or not. She told me that Robbo was claiming consensual sex and even though I already knew it, in my heightened state of stress I got overly emotional about it. I guess that's what she needed from me because it led, after some probing, to me coming out to her. I didn't know where to look. I flitted from her face, to the sea, to my hands and then finally I made eye contact and realised she'd probably never looked away from me once while we'd been talking. She was so encouraging and so gentle with me. She was perfect. But she can't help me. I can't go any further forward than this. If I press charges against Robbo, I will lose. He'll probably kill me between now and the court case. And if he doesn't, he'll make my life even more hellish than it has been. I don't have much anyway but what I do have, i.e. Brett, I'll lose the moment the 'gay' word comes up. It's too much for me to take. I'm not strong. I can't do this. I certainly can't do it alone. I told her that I couldn't go ahead and she looked defeated but didn't argue with me. She tried to assure me that there was nothing wrong with being gay. It was a nice enough gesture but she hasn't got a clue. I doubt she's had a non-heterosexual thought in her life. She's got the looks of a supermodel, she's smart, powering through her career, probably has a heap of admirers and she's nice. She pretty much has it made. She really has no idea what it's like to be me.

We left it that I wasn't going to press charges but that if I changed my mind, all I needed to do was get in touch. She gave me her personal mobile number and made me promise to call her if I needed her, no matter the time. I burst into tears at that point and I'm still embarrassed about it. I can rationalise it by saying that all I have felt over the past two weeks is pain and shame. Charlie made me feel safe for the first time since it all began. Even talking to Aden didn't really make me feel safe. But Charlie did. We were already standing and getting ready to go to the car so she could drive me home by that point but when the tears burst out of me I felt myself crumble. I think I may have actually hit the ground if she hadn't caught hold of me. She gathered me up into her arms and held me for what felt like hours. I have no concept of how long it really was. I let my head rest on her shoulder and my hands wrap around her and felt her hands gently rubbing my back until I calmed down. It's the most physical contact I've had since _it_ happened and it was comforting to be held by someone I trusted. She kept whispering in my ear that she was there, whatever I needed. I hope she's not angry with me for not making a statement. I know Aden is. He just stormed in here shouting the odds. Belle had to apologise on his behalf before hurrying out after him. I just don't know what to do. If I go ahead, I risk losing everything. If I don't, I might never escape the prison that I'm living in.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Sunday 8****th**** March 2009**

**21:01**

I had the weekend off so I took Ruby to see Dad and Morag. It's been a few weeks and I never quite know when the next crisis is going to come up so I try and take these opportunities where I can get them. It was good to see them and it's nice to see that Dad is getting the proper care and support that he needs. He's doing well out there, as well as anybody with his condition can. It seems better than when he was here. He's forgetful and we did have one upsetting moment when he really had no clue who we were for about five minutes, but otherwise he seems to be going strong. Maybe being in a safe environment like that helps? Everything is familiar to him; he can't get lost and into trouble like he can here. I miss him – in every sense of the word.

**Monday 9****th**** March 2009**

**19:50**

I'm back in Summer Bay – back to work and back to paperwork – oh the joys! It's been a pretty slow day but I'm not really complaining. It's nice to ease myself back in after a weekend away, especially a weekend visiting my Dad. Seeing him always fills my head with stuff that's difficult to process. Ruby is very free with her feelings and she talked a lot about how she felt the weekend went on the drive home but I don't find that as easy as she does – even with someone I'm so close to. We're chalk and cheese really. It's surprising we get on as well as we do!

**Wednesday 10****th**** March 2009**

**17:12**

Work consisted of a couple of altercations between lunch time drinkers and yep, you guessed it – paperwork. I feel like a cat chasing her tail all the time with that. I never get it done and I'm not quite sure why. It's not like I'm the kind of person who gets easily distracted or daydreams or anything.

I saw that girl, Joey having some kind of dispute with some blonde on the beach today. I didn't mean to watch exactly but ever since what happened at the Surf Club last week, I've felt compelled to look out for her. I don't really see her around a whole lot and I'm not sure who her friends are. She seems to keep to herself mostly. But she stormed off and left the other girl on the beach. They both looked pretty upset.

**Thursday 12****th**** March 2009**

**23:04**

Today has potentially been one of the longest days of my life and let me tell you, I've had some long ones. I found out exactly what that girl's problem is and it's exactly what I feared it was. That guy, Robbo, raped her a couple of weeks ago. No wonder she's such a mess. I've tried to help but there's nothing I can do. I can't force her to come forward and it's not as cut and dried as that. Joey's gay and she's terrified of her brother finding out about her to follow anything up. She's convinced that he would disown her. I can't believe that anybody would throw her out after the trauma she's been through but she's absolutely adamant and well, I guess she knows better than I do. I just don't know where to go next with this case. There must be something I can do, some way I can reach out to her. I've given her my number and told her to call me anytime she needs anything and I hope she doesn't think it was one of those polite things people say. I meant it. I want her to call me. I desperately want to help her. How can I just continue with my life and my job knowing that there's a woman not so far from me, broken and battered and frightened for her life? I've always made it a cast-iron rule never to take my work home with me. I've certainly very rarely gone into detail about a case in my journal but there's something about this one that I can't let go. Maybe it was the way she broke down in my arms and cried her heart out in response to me being 'so kind' and giving her my number? I mean, these are really the most difficult cases for me to deal with. But I need to think of something. I can't let this go.

It all started earlier in the day when Aden approached me with one of those hypothetical friend questions. He wanted to know that if a girl was claiming rape but the guy was claiming consensual sex and the girl turned out to be gay, how would that likely hold up in court? My mind immediately flashed to Joey. I know that she and Aden know each other because she was involved when Robbo had the fight with the boat inspector. I'm not sure I even mentioned her here then but I definitely noticed how frightened she was. Aden was protecting her. I asked Aden if he was talking about Joey and asked him to take me to her but he wouldn't. It stayed with me all morning. I'd seen her sitting on the beach before work. She always wears these over-sized clothes, like she's trying to get lost in them somehow and she has a permanent state of fright on her face. It bothered me so much that I tracked Aden down and asked him again to take me to see Joey. He really didn't want to, claiming that she would hate him for it. But I can be fairly persuasive and I know he desperately wants to help her so he agreed to take me there. When she saw me standing there in my uniform, she attempted to slam the door in my face at first but I'm not new to this kind of situation so I was ready to stop her. She relented and stepped outside, leading us away from the house so we could talk. I was the one who led the conversation really. She seemed mostly concerned with watching the house. She seemed terrified of someone seeing us talking. I presume her brother, Brett was home and she didn't want him to ask any questions. I'm not sure exactly what made her come with me. Maybe she just didn't want me hassling her outside her house any longer but she relented and got in the car.

The car ride was quick and I tried to make it as chilled out as possible by making general conversation. Aden was a big help. We got her talking about where she grew up (a little fishing village several miles away from here), her hobbies (sailing and anything boat related) and her favourite TV show (_Buffy the Vampire Slayer_). We dropped Aden off I took Joey into an interview room but by that time she'd totally clammed up and didn't want to talk. She wasn't prepared her share what happened with Robbo and she wasn't willing to admit her sexuality either, which could potentially be key to the prosecution. She was too frightened. I had to be honest and admit that if we charged Robbo, we still couldn't lock him up until the court case and she's convinced that in that time he'll do something else to her. I assured her that with an AVO, he can't go near her but she said that wouldn't matter. I guess she has a point. If he was a law abiding citizen or a decent human being, then she wouldn't be in this situation at all, would she? I tried to encourage her, to get her to trust me but I wasn't getting anywhere, especially in the confines of the official interview room so I drove her to the beach so we could get some fresh air.

She did open up to me while we were out there. I think that's where I really took her case to heart. She told me how much shame she felt over what happened. That's what always gets me about rape cases – the woman taking responsibility for something that wasn't her fault, that she had no control over. I know how it feels. She reluctantly came out to me. I don't know what she was expecting me to say. Her brother is homophobic and it sounds like it's been a big secret of hers for a long time so perhaps she was preparing for some kind of judgement. But she's not going to find that from me. I mean, who in the world has a problem with homosexuality anymore? It's just as normal as heterosexuality. Okay, so I'm straight and I like men but my attractions, flirtations, relationships and experiences are just as valid as Joey's. I suppose I forget that it's an issue. But then I'm not battling with it every day. Maybe if I was, I'd think about it differently. As Joey pointed out, it's easy not to have hang ups when you're a straight girl. Actually, she called me a 'beautiful, straight girl'. She said I have no idea what it's like to be her. She's right. I don't. Not regarding sexuality anyway. The other stuff... well, I'd rather not think about it. I wonder if she knows how brave she is. I'm good at looking after people. I'm good at ignoring my own problems and hoping they'll go away. But I was faced with the same thing once upon a time and I didn't handle it nearly half as well as she has. I keep urging her to talk to me, to press charges but I do realise that it's not that easy, even if she doesn't know I realise that.

I accepted that she wasn't going to pursue her case, although it broke my heart and drove me to distraction all afternoon. She broke down on me right before I was about to drive her home. All I could do was hold her and tell her that I would be there for her. I couldn't exactly tell her that everything would be okay, could I? I don't know if it will be. If Robbo is free to walk the streets, he's free to attack anyone he likes. He's free to attack Joey again. And he hasn't exactly been shy in threatening her since it happened. I can't make this okay for her. But I can be supportive if that's what she wants and needs from me. She was so limp in my arms, like a rag doll and she sobbed so violently that it was almost overwhelming. I hated letting her go home after that.

I was pleasantly surprised when she returned later that day. She looked stricken and afraid. I ditched my coffee break immediately and we sat and talked for two hours. She told me pretty much every detail of what happened to her. I've got things etched in my memory that I really wish weren't there. She's known Robbo for years and never liked him. He's been bullying her on the boat for weeks and even let health and safety slip, which resulted in her getting injured and knocked overboard. Finally it led to him raping her. Since then he's threatened her on several different occasions. He also knows that she's gay and he's using it as a card to play against her telling us the truth. There were tears. She trembled. I sent out for glasses of water. I had to abandon the rules of interaction for some of it and hold her hands across the desk. But finally we got everything recorded. I told her I was proud of her. I was. I still am. She told me that she was doing it for me and was just about to sign when her brother burst in and dragged her away. All I can see in my head now is the image of him pushing her out of the station and her looking back at me, apologising, as if it was her fault. It's not. None of this is her fault. But she doesn't seem to understand that yet. I tried to convince him to let her stay and finish her statement but he wasn't having it. No wonder she's so afraid of him. He came across as a bully to me. And she's so vulnerable right now. She doesn't need to be around someone who could harm her any more than she already has been.

I can't believe that he could wreck all that progress we made today in a matter of seconds. We got so close. She got so close to claiming her life back. She really seemed ready to go ahead and now he's destroyed that little bit of confidence she gained today. It's getting late but I can't even begin to try and sleep. I can't get this out of my mind. There must be something I can do, some way I can help her. I can't just leave her like this.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Thursday 12****th**** March 2009**

**11:28pm**

I did venture back to the police station and found Charlie. She was so sweet. She ditched her coffee halfway to her lips and took me into the interview room where we sat for hours. It was hard but I took a deep breath and spilled all my secrets from start to finish. Charlie listened and made notes on what she thought should or shouldn't be included. The room felt so stuffy and she had to get someone to go and get us some water partway through because my mouth got all dry and I was getting dehydrated because of all my tears. It felt like I was reliving it. The only way I could get through was to look directly into her eyes. If she'd judged me at any point, I would have fled. I read her reactions so intently. But she never judged. All she did was care. Even when I included the thing about Megan, she didn't flinch. And when I got overwhelmed, she reached across the table and held my hands ever so gently in hers. It was comforting to feel so supported and it helped me carry on.

We perfected the statement and I was just about the sign it when Brett barged in and dragged me home. I feel so guilty. Charlie basically devoted her entire day to helping me out and it was all for nothing. And being here at home has been hell. He yelled at me for the entire car journey and hasn't stopped ranting all evening. Finally he's watching television and drinking beer to 'unwind from his stressful day where he discovered what a lying snake his sister is'. I escaped to my room as soon as I could and I haven't left it since. I hate my life. I was so close to being strong. I should have known it was doomed to failure.

**Friday 13****th**** March 2009**

**1:18pm**

I was up and out early this morning. Brett had the day off work and I didn't want to be around him for any longer than I have to. I went for a long walk along the beach and it felt good to stretch my legs, get some fresh air and attempt to step outside of my own private hell for a while. The sun was warm and comforting and things were nice and quiet. I was pleasantly surprised to find Charlie going for a run. I watched her. I couldn't help but admire her physique. I mean, obviously I couldn't do anything about even if I did suddenly decide that I wanted to, but she really is a very beautiful woman. She saw me wandering aimlessly and waved, jogging over to me. She asked me how I was feeling. I shrugged and said I was okay. She wanted to know if I'd consider coming back to the station with her but I told her no, I couldn't do that. At this point, it would do more harm than good. If my own brother doesn't believe me, who the hell else will? She said that she believed me. I smiled. It means a lot that she cares. I just wish she could solve my problems like I know she wants to. But there's nothing she can do. There's nothing anyone can do. I just need to live with it and get on with things as best I can.

**Saturday 14****th**** March 2009**

**7:21pm**

I had a largely uneventful day. Charlie and Aden both texted me to see how I was. I guess Charlie took my number from the statement I made but didn't submit. She's obviously kept the document in hope that I'll reappear one day and tell her to go ahead but I won't.

**Sunday 15****th**** March 2009**

**10:13pm**

Brett invited Robbo round to watch sport with take away pizza and beer. Brett's hardly spoken to me since Thursday – once he stopped yelling. You can cut the tension with a knife. As usual, I'm banished to my room. There is no way I'm hanging around with that monster in my house.

**Tuesday 17****th**** March 2009**

**1:08pm**

Sometimes I really don't understand myself or half the things I do. I caught a bus into the city last night and hit a gay bar. I went from not being able to leave the house, to travelling miles by myself, putting myself in danger and trying to get laid. Of course, the moment a woman so much as tried to buy me a drink, I panicked and ran. I missed the bus home and had to hang out in a disgusting, cold bus shelter until four this morning and I finally got in a few hours ago. Why did I do that? It makes no sense. I make no sense. All that I achieved was less cash, a loss of time, heightened anxiety, a wave of embarrassment and a lack of sleep. I'm not ready to put myself out there. At this rate, I don't think I'll ever be ready, especially not with a stranger. If I could ever bring myself to be with someone again, I'd have to trust them with my whole heart. And I don't see that happening.

I've been in a state for much of the day. I considered calling Charlie. She did tell me to call if I needed her but what can she really do? Nothing. Nobody can save me.

**Wednesday 18****th**** March 2009**

**9:18am**

I woke up to find I'd received an email from Charlene. She's been off travelling around the world for the past couple of years and sounds like she's having the best time of her life. I could barely read her rambles, I was so envious. I certainly couldn't reply. She was my first ever romance, back when I was seventeen and she was twenty-one. It seems like so long ago. She's gone off to travel and get everything out of life that she can and I've become the shell of the person I used to be.

**Friday 20****th**** March 2009**

**1:02am**

Today... well, technically yesterday was most definitely eventful. I got kicked out of home and I'm now tucked up in Charlie's bed (she's sharing with her sister, Ruby) and for the next night or two, until I can figure out what to do and where to go, I'll be staying with them, their housemate Leah and Leah's son, VJ.

My day started, as usual with a walk. I've started to force myself to get up and out in the mornings for some exercise and air. It's the only sense of routine I have and the only thing that keeps me feeling a little bit "normal". On my way back, Aden approached me. I haven't seen him in days. I haven't seen anyone in days. Brett and I have made a kind of peace but it's hard to live in a house with someone who's accused you of crying rape. He's chosen Robbo's side and even invites him round to the house while I'm there. That really hurts. Aden and I were engaging in awkward conversation and painfully aware that Robbo was nearby when a police car pulled up and who jumped out but Charlie! I didn't know what to do so Aden and I crept over for a closer look as Charlie pulled him into the car, wanting to take him in for questioning. I was completely freaked and desperately afraid. I stepped forward and called her name. I knew I had to ask her what was happening or else it would drive me crazy all day. And Brett would undoubtedly hassle me about it because both of them treat everything as if it's my fault. Charlie left him to get in the car and approached me saying that she couldn't let this go. I protested. She told me she was doing it for me. Ha! Quoting my own words back to me from last week. I was terrified of Robbo going for me as soon as he was released and the eye contact he made with me as they drove off just confirmed my panic. But I couldn't deny how earnest Charlie was. Just like Aden all those times before, she thought she was doing the right thing. And maybe, retrospectively, she was.

It turned out that Charlie had spent the week digging around into Robbo's history. She'd uncovered a violent past and managed to get an ex-girlfriend that he'd assaulted, to make a statement against him, prompting her to drag him in for questioning. It was a long afternoon. Brett yelled at me for making up lies. Aden and I hung out for most of day and then Charlie called, asking me to go to the station. I went and she explained everything that she'd been doing to try and strengthen my case against Robbo and encouraged me to complete my statement. How could I not go ahead after all the trouble she'd gone to? I signed the statement and she pledged to support me every step of the way. I can't even begin to explain how much it means to me to be able to trust someone, to rely on them, especially now that Brett hates me. She told me she'd do whatever it takes to protect me and it felt like she really meant it. That's what made me come out to Brett. I got lost in her assertion that everything was going to be okay. She doesn't know Brett. She doesn't know what he's like and she has no concept of homophobia. She said to me today that she didn't realise people could still be that way these days. Part of me thinks I should have trusted my instincts but I didn't. And part of me is glad.

Charlie came with me to tell Brett everything. We found him on the pier and between us managed to get him to accept that I was telling the truth about Robbo. He wanted to sort it out himself but I insisted that I wanted it to go through the courts. I don't want to solve violence with violence. If I really am going to deal with what's happened to me, I'm going to deal with it properly. He didn't want me to and tried to explain to me how hard it'll be but I'm under no illusion that anything will be easy. Nothing's been easy so far and I don't expect a reprieve any time soon. But while I might not have Brett anymore, at least I know that Charlie and Aden will support me. I told him I was gay, right there and then. He was in front of me, Charlie was behind me, I gathered up all my strength and I told the truth. He didn't even believe me at first. Then he tried to blame Charlie, who has nothing to do with any of this, not the sexuality part anyway. All she's done is help me through the ordeal of what Robbo put me through. He called me a 'sicko' and told me I had to get my stuff out of the house. I'm not surprised by how he reacted but it doesn't make it any easier. He stormed off and left me standing there with Charlie who immediately stepped up and put an arm around my shoulders. We stood there in silence for a few moments before I managed to pull myself together, shrug and decide I should go and get my stuff. I expected to do it alone but Charlie insisted on taking me to the house. She agreed to wait in the car while I gathered my belongings. Brett had taken an obvious dislike to her and her hope was that without her there, he might be less harsh with me. It didn't work.

Inside the house, Brett just ignored me. I took everything that was important to me and dumped it in the back of Charlie's car. It was obvious from the look on her face that she felt really guilty but there wasn't really any need and I told her so. Okay, he reacted terribly but that was no great surprise. And in some ways, I'm better of without him than I was living a lie. It hasn't exactly been easy treating my life as if it's some dirty, little secret. I haven't enjoyed sneaking out to meet dates and hiding that side of myself from him. At least if he knows, I've not nothing to be scared of anymore. Well, nothing concerning him anyway. I tried to make a joke of it, although none of this has been very funny. I have no job, no friends, no family and no home. She drove us to the station to get started on the AVO against Robbo so that he can't come anywhere near me between now and the court case and said we'd deal with my housing situation later.

Everything else passed in a blur really. We went to the station and I had to fill in about a hundred forms. Charlie broke the news to me that I'd need to go for some kind of medical exam, which I am not looking forward to. I tried to get out of it by saying that there wasn't any physical evidence anymore but it's procedure apparently. She said she'd come with me if I wanted her to. I do. Once we'd finished it was dark outside. I'm still not great about being outside. I don't feel particularly safe so I asked Charlie if she'd mind taking me to a hotel. She said that I was coming home with her for the night and we'd look at more permanent options in a few days when things were more settled. I think she feels responsible for me being homeless but it's really not her fault. But I'm not one to look a gift-horse in the mouth and I accepted her offer gratefully.

The house that Charlie lives in is nice and her family and friends all seem very kind. There's Ruby, her little sister who is still at school. She showed me to Charlie's room and chatted to me easily, without asking questions about why I ended up there. Leah was friendly, although I think she's probably weary of me being around if there's someone after me. And quite rightfully too – she has a young son, VJ that she need to take care of. But Charlie appears to have been pretty insistent and I'm staying, at least for a night or two. The other three had already eaten when we got there so Charlie made us both some food and we sat at the kitchen table eating together. It's weird but it felt really nice to just sit and eat with someone I like and who seems to like me. With Brett, I cook and we eat separately. There's been very little companionship in that house for a very long time. Even as a guest, Charlie's house felt very homely and welcoming.

I was quite tired and a little shy so I excused myself in order to go to bed. Charlie followed me with clean sheets. I was expecting her just to dump them on the bed and let me get on with it but she immediately started unbuttoning the old duvet cover. I helped and we talked while we worked. She told me that I could stay however long I needed and reiterated that she was going to support me through the case from start to finish. When we'd finished making the bed, I sat down on it and watched her grab some of her stuff out of drawers – things she'd need for the night and the morning, I suppose. She came and sat on the bed beside me and promised me that everything was going to be okay. Then she hugged me and left. I snuggled deep into her bed and I've been writing ever since. Maybe she's right. Maybe I can get through this. It's the first glimmer of hope I've had since Robbo even first started bullying me. And even a glimmer of hope is more than enough to hold onto.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Friday 13****th**** March 2009**

**19:03**

It was another pretty long day at work today. I think I'm suffering the emotional exhaustion from getting so close to convincing Joey to make a statement yesterday. She made a cameo in my dreams last night and it wasn't pleasant. She was drowning but there was a glass wall between me and the sea that I couldn't break through or climb over so I couldn't get to her. I woke up in a sweat and opted to go for a long run on the beach before work to clear my head a bit and ended up bumping into her. She was out walking and really didn't look very well. I attempted to gently persuade her that she could still come and make a statement. I would have happily quit my run and taken her to the station right there and then but she'd completely shut down by then, like I'd known she would have. She said that if her own brother could call her a liar then she didn't have much faith that anyone else would believe her. I told her that I believed her. And I do.

I've had a fair bit of hassle today, separate from the Joey thing. I've been taking a lot of phone calls and been bombarded with people wanting to talk to me about the fact that Angelo's case isn't going to court. Like it has anything to do with me! I played my part. I got more involved in certain ways than I really should have. And now I don't want to think about him or anything that happened anymore, thank you very much.

**Saturday 14****th**** March 2009**

**13:41**

My day has so far mostly revolved around Martha and the accident she had on the boat during the storm. To be honest, I think most people's day has revolved around it. I'm going to go and see her later, when things are quieter. Everyone has been going crazy and think that she meant to die or something. But that really isn't the Martha I know, even with all the trauma she has been through. I presume she went out to be alone to try and digest the news about Angelo and got caught up in the storm. I did try and speak to her about it. I should have tried harder.

Well, I'm going to get ready to see her but I think I'll text Joey first to see if she's alright. I have a plan about how to help her but I can't tell her about it yet. I don't want to raise her hopes.

**Tuesday 17****th**** March 2009**

**17:51**

I mostly had an office day today. Things were pretty quiet and I got all caught up. My desk was clear by two-thirty. I'd almost forgotten what it looked like underneath all the paper! As soon as I was done, I got started on my new project, which was looking into Robbo's history. It's going to take a while to find anything, if there is anything to find but I'm going to try my hardest. So far, I haven't come up with much. He doesn't have a record or anything and nothing worse than a couple of speeding tickets and 'incidents' of anti-social behaviour that were never chased up. But there must be something else – with guys like him, there always is. And I am going to find it.

**Wednesday 18****th**** March 2009**

**22:13**

I am exhausted! I was at work early and basically spent the entire day digging around into Robbo's past. And I have potentially found a gem that could save Joey. He has this ex-girlfriend who was raped and badly beaten a while back. She was treated at the local hospital by Rachel so I'm going to head over there tomorrow to see if she recognises Robbo as the boyfriend and if she got any bad vibes from him. Tanya claimed that she was jumped by a stranger but what's the likelihood of dating a rapist and getting attacked by some random guy?

Ugh, I am so exhausted. My back and legs are aching and so are my shoulders. I've been hunched in the same position pretty much all day working on this case. I need a nice hot, bath and then a nice, long sleep.

**Friday 20****th**** March 2009**

**01:32**

Joey is now temporarily living with Leah, Ruby, VJ and I. I know I probably haven't thought it through. Leah wasn't terribly impressed and I shouldn't be taking my work home with me but it's my fault that the poor girl is homeless and there is no way I am abandoning her at a time like this.

I raced round to the hospital first thing this morning; well, really it was yesterday morning but let's not get technical. I managed to grab Rachel for a few moments and talk to her about Tanya. She immediately mentioned Robbo and how suspicious she had been of him. She said she reported it but it didn't get followed up. Then I tracked Tanya down and after a lot of persuasion, she agreed to talk to me and sign a statement. I left her in the care of my colleagues, which retrospectively wasn't the smartest thing I could have done because they ended up letting her sneak out without signing anything! But I took Robbo in for questioning. He was not a happy boy. At first he was cocky, slouching casually in his seat with his feet up. Then I told him what I had on him and he stopped talking.

Joey had seen me take Robbo away, which hadn't been part of the plan but I couldn't help it if she happened to be there. She looked stricken and worried but I didn't really have time to deal with that. I'm a cop, not a counsellor and the best way I know how to help and protect her, is to nail Robbo for what he did. I told her that I was doing it for her, echoing her words to me when she was about to make her statement before. I think it made it easier for her that day to believe she was doing me a favour, helping me out by pressing charges. But this isn't about me. It's about her. And I am doing this for her. I'm pursuing this case and I'm finding a way to strengthen her story as best I can so that I can protect her and other women who might fall victim to this guy, the only way I know how.

Robbo was pretty pleased with himself once he realised that Tanya had scarpered. As he left the station he made a few suggestive comments to me. He makes my skin crawl, just thinking about what he put Joey and Tanya through. How can someone be that evil? You'd think, having worked in my job as long as I have and lived the life that I've lived, that I wouldn't still be asking that question.

I called Joey and asked her to come and see me and I laid out the whole situation. Encouraged, she signed the statement. Finally we can get going with this and get Robbo locked up! I'm normally really good at keeping the line between professional and personal but there's something about Joey that makes me want to go the extra mile for her, especially now that I got her kicked out of her house. I just want to protect her and keep her safe and I told her so. She's got a lot to go through. There's going to be more to come after this. She's going to have to have legal meetings and a medical exam and I've pledged to be with her every step of the way. Whatever she needs me for, I'll be there. I feel a responsibility towards her. She's trusted me with two of the biggest things in her life – her sexuality and this terrible trauma that she's been through – and I need to follow through. I need to look after her.

She kept telling me that Brett, her brother would react badly to her being gay. I suppose I couldn't get my head around the concept of people still being homophobic these days. I mean, I know we live in a small town but the small town still exists in the twenty-first Century. We went to find him together and he accepted that she was telling the truth about Robbo but reacted terribly to her other secret. He told her that she was sick and that she had to get out of his house. So she packed her stuff while I waited. We made a stop off at the station to begin the AVO process against Robbo and then I brought her home. Leah was a bit freaked at the thought of a girl with someone who might stalk her, staying in the house but I just about managed to talk her round. I've said that it's not going to be for long but to be honest, the longer the better. It's not ideal to be sharing with Ruby (I've put Joey in my room) but I can live with it if it means knowing that Joey's safe. The image of her frightened face is etched in my memory and I won't be happy until I see her start smiling.

At home, I cooked a basic meal for the two of us and she seemed so grateful. It was like nobody had ever done anything nice for her before. Maybe they haven't. If her idiotic brother is anything to go by... She seemed pretty tired so I went with her to my room and helped change the sheets. She seemed surprised but what else was I going to do? Just dump them on her and leave her to her own devices? That's not exactly polite! We talked a little and I got a few of my things together. I hugged her goodnight and now I'm just trying to wind down. I'm looking forward to a nice sleep tonight. I think I deserve it!

**Saturday 21****st**** March 2009**

**11:59**

I've been enjoying a nice leisurely morning, although I'm painfully aware that I have to go into work this afternoon. I was up and out running on the beach early, before any of the others were awake. By the time I returned, they were having breakfast. Leah cornered me into looking after VJ while she had her hair done for a date with this guy, George, tonight. Joey offered to help look after him, which I thought was sweet. I hope she starts to feel more comfortable here. It's nice that she wants to help out and join in with our unconventional little family.

Actually, the way it's played out is that Joey's been head baby-sitter. They've been playing cards since before I got out of the shower! I've hardly had any attention at all from either of them. VJ's not been behaving too well recently but with Joey and I, he's been an absolute angel. He's practically a different child. So, mostly I've spent the morning relaxing on the couch, writing in here and listening to the two of them giggle, although I've been helpful with tea and juice making for Joey and VJ respectively.

Well, I'd better start getting ready for work. No rest for the wicked!

**Saturday 21****st**** March 2009**

**18:01**

I left VJ in the care of Joey and Ruby. He hardly even noticed I was gone. He's besotted with Joey. She's really good with him.

My afternoon was spent working through the Robbo case. I don't really like referring to Joey as a case anymore. She's become a friend, not a project. I had a follow up conversation with Tanya who seems to be mulling over the idea of signing a statement. Then Joey arrived, as planned and we made the AVO official. At least it means that legally, Robbo can't go anywhere near her. She wanted to go house hunting afterwards but I asked her not to. Just for now, I want her to stay with us. At least this way, I know where she is and I can keep her safe. If she's not around then I wouldn't know if she's gone missing or anything and while I'm not trying to freak her or myself out, I believe the worst thing any of us could do at this point would be to underestimate Robbo. I need to keep Joey close. I need to keep her safe.

Well, my break's over and I'm working until ten so I'd best get on.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Saturday 21****st**** March 2009**

**9:42pm**

I woke up with a strange sense of peace this morning and it's stayed with me all day. I can't recall the last time I felt like this. Realistically, before all of this with Robbo, I was quite happy but it seems like such a long time ago that I barely even remember it. And I can't connect it with myself. It feels like a different life, a different girl. Each morning over the past few weeks, I have woken up in a cold sweat and lived through a day of sheer panic. Today, I woke up when I was ready, without being jolted awake by nightmares. I can't even begin to describe how refreshing that feels. I've tried to approach it as if it's the first day of the rest of my life, although I know I need to take baby steps and not rush things. Just because I'm away from Brett, have an AVO against Robbo and am temporarily housed with my own personal bodyguard, doesn't mean this is over. It's not. There's a long way to go. I understand that. But at least I feel like I have the strength to do try and move on. I guess that's the important thing.

I stayed in Charlie's room for a little while after I woke, snuggled under the duvet and failing to resist the temptation to gaze around a bit. She keeps her room mostly tidy, although there's clearly a junk chair where she heaps things at the end of a long day. She seems to like to read because she has a lot of books. There are a lot of girlie things on her dresser – make up and perfume and things like that. She has a couple of photographs around the place – one, presumably of her parents and one of her and Ruby. They both look so happy, smiling into the camera. She's got one solitary teddy bear, carefully placed on the bedside table, almost hidden out of view. She presents herself as a tough cop but I've already witnessed the sweetheart underneath. Just a tough cop, wouldn't do all that she's done for me. I don't think I've ever met somebody so caring before.

Eventually, I slipped out of bed and shuffled into the kitchen, feeling a little nervous. I don't think Leah was too impressed with my arrival the night before and I really didn't want to impose on them. You know when you walk into a room and everyone goes quiet because they're talking about you? Well, that happened to me this morning. But I don't think they were being unkind. And we've bonded since then. Ruby left for school and Leah started fussing about making me breakfast when Charlie arrived back from a run. Leah asked her to baby-sit VJ for the morning and I offered my services. I've always been pretty good with kids - cousins and such, and I really wanted to help out where I could in order to thank them for letting me stay. I don't know how sure Leah was but she agreed. In the end, Charlie was just there relaxing really, while I did all the work! I didn't mind a bit. VJ's a blast. I taught him a card game while she showered and chilled on the sofa. I think she was writing a diary or something. Then she got ready for work and left when Ruby got home from school. She and I looked after VJ together for a little while and we chatted. She's a sweet girl. There's a lot of family resemblance in their personalities. They're both very funny and kind.

VJ had been a perfect angel all the while Leah was out but he turned into a monster as soon as she got home. Charlie had warned me that morning, before she left me alone with him so that she could shower, that he wasn't behaving very well. From hanging out with him all day and then watching him with his mother, I started thinking that he might be struggling with the idea of Leah going on a date. I tentatively offered up my theory when VJ had abandoned the cards and been really rude to Leah. I was nervous about imposing my thoughts in case she thought I was telling her how to raise her kid. I mean, what would I know? But she said it made total sense. As soon as she cancelled her date, VJ was an angel again. She was really grateful and it meant that I accidentally sealed my acceptance. I said that I was going to move on that weekend but she told me to stay. I wasn't completely sure about it, as I really don't want to get in the way. Also, I don't have a job so I can't bring in any rent. And my presence means that Ruby and Charlie have to share, which isn't very fair either. But when I went to the police station and finished signing everything for the AVO and told Charlie that I was going house hunting, she practically begged me to stay. How could I say no to someone who basically just saved my life? Who knows what would have happened to me on the spiral I was heading down if Charlie hadn't intervened? And she didn't have to. She could have just left matters alone. But she found a way to back up my story. I owe her everything. I did tell her she wasn't responsible for me but she said I was too vulnernable right now and that on her orders, I had to stay.

She's working until ten tonight so she should be home pretty soon. I've not done a whole lot this evening. I'm still a little nervous around the house but I did enjoy a nice dinner with Leah, Ruby and VJ. I've mostly been hibernating in Charlie's room, reading and writing in here. Oh, I think I just heard Charlie's voice. I'll go and welcome her home.

**Sunday 22****nd**** March 2009**

**10:31pm**

I just got home from a really nice day out. Charlie knocked on my door in the morning and asked me if I'd like to go for a drive and then have lunch. I figured out fairly early on that she was trying to distract me from the fact that I have to go for a medical tomorrow in relation to the case. She was trying to give me a fun day to take my mind off things and fill me with some happy memories. And she succeeded. I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time! We drove out to the countryside and got lost, which was surprisingly funny in itself. For a moment I had a horrific flashback to family day trips when Dad would get so angry about not knowing where he was going but Charlie was so cool about it. We just giggled over the map together and made it up as we went along. We went for a long walk and found a restaurant to eat at. She paid, saying that I should save my money. Then we wandered back to the car and drove home again.

It was such an amazing day. I don't think we stopped talking from the moment that we left the house. She's so much fun to be around. She has this incredibly infectious laugh and a wonderful ability to make me feel completely safe and at ease. We talked about anything and everything, sharing little anecdotal stories and getting to know each other as friends as opposed to rescuer and victim.

She's going to take me to my medical in the morning and has managed to make that count as work and then she's knocking off the day. She's booked me up for lunch and then we're going to see a movie. It's weird and kind of tragic considering the circumstances but today has been the best day of my life. I've never had anyone care enough about me to rearrange their work schedule around me and be thoughtful enough to sandwich a horrible appointment between two fun activities. I'm really lucky to have her. She's really special.

**Monday 23****rd**** March 2009**

**11:18pm**

My morning was awful. The medical examination was so intrusive and humiliating that I don't even want to think about it. I'm so glad Charlie stayed behind the screen. I would hate for her to see me like that. It was disgusting. And probably pointless. Robbo attacked me weeks ago. There's unlikely to be any evidence left on me, is there? I mean, I've healed completely and I must have taken a hundred showers between then and now. The whole thing was pointless, humiliating and painful.

As soon as they'd finished and I was decent again, I escaped into Charlie's waiting arms. She hugged me in the corridor and I immediately felt a little better. She apologised for me having to go through it – as if it was her fault! And then we went for a long lunch and then to the movies. We saw some dumb comedy. It wasn't a particularly special film but it was nice to have a distraction and it was fun to giggle away with a friend, share popcorn and be normal for a change. And yes, I'm aware that possibly for the first time in my life, I haven't put that word in inverted commas. I really do feel normal for the first time in my life and it feels so strange! Charlie is so open and non-judgemental. We even talked about romance today. She asked me about girlfriends. Nobody has ever asked me about that before, well, except other potential girlfriends. No friend has just randomly enquired about my personal life. Especially no straight, female friend. But she wanted to know all kinds of things. Who was my first girlfriend? When did I lose my virginity? When did I first know I was gay? Did I ever have a boyfriend? And she told me all about herself too. Her first serious boyfriend was in high school and she lost her virginity to him. Since then, she's had a few relationships and a few flings but nobody has ever really captured her heart. There was a time when she thought that she loved Roman, who is that girl, Nicole's dad. They dated for a while last year but he was never really into her like she was into him. She thinks now that it probably wasn't love, but it was definitely a strong feeling. And even if it was love, it was one-sided so even if she has loved people and people have loved her, she hasn't truly experienced the feeling of being 'in love' because it's never flowed both ways. She was quite philosophical about it really. She admitted that she finds it hard to open up to people and she's quite a closed person. She likes affection but she struggles with feelings, which has meant that she's ended up doing the wrong thing with the wrong people on more than one occasion. She laughed and said that for a cop, she has atrocious judgement sometimes! Well, I for one think she's incredible. But she has totally exhausted me and I have to go to sleep now.

**Tuesday 24****th**** March 2009**

**5:10pm**

I pretty much had the whole day to myself today and it was really nice. I stayed home but it was because I wanted to, not because I needed to. Wow, I referred to Charlie's house as home. I must be feeling comfortable here. I'd better be careful not to get too cosy. I know this can't last forever. It's not practical for one thing – Charlie and Ruby are really not going to want to share forever. I've already heard them yelling at each other about sides of the bed and dirty laundry on the floor. It was pretty funny actually. They love each other so much but they bicker all the time. Ruby moves everything and Charlie goes crazy trying to find it all, especially her salad bowl. She's overly possessive about that. It makes me giggle.

I busied myself all day with tidying and cleaning. It's just the only way I can really help out. I can't pay my way until I get a job and I'm not quite ready for that yet and Charlie's advised me to take a little time to heal first and don't try and do too many things too quickly. So housework is my only option. And I'm pretty good at it. I'm very used to it. The only difference here is that I get thanked! Leah was really pleased when she got home and even Ruby noticed how 'shiny' everything was. Charlie gave me an affectionate pat on the shoulder. She's cooking dinner at the moment and we're going to watch a DVD or something later. Is it wrong that I love spending so much time with her?

**Tuesday 24****th**** March 2009**

**11:22pm**

I think I might have a crush on Charlie. It's kind of freaking me out a little bit because I swore that I would never be attracted to anyone again. But here I am. Maybe it's because I know she's safe though. I mean, it's not like she'd ever be into me. If she was, would it be a different story? To be honest, I'm really not sure. There's just something about her that makes my heart soar and my head go a little dizzy. She is so incredibly beautiful. I could sit and write down what she looks like but I don't think I could do her justice. She's more stunning than anyone I have ever seen, even girls in magazines or in movies. And she gives out this warmth that's so intoxicating. Like, when she laughs, I can't help but smile and rack my brains to think of something else funny to say so that I can hear her laugh again. She says that she's a really closed person but with me, she's been so open and honest about pretty much everything. We've spent many a day and night delving into things that neither of us has cared to share with anybody else. I know I'm stepping into dangerous territory now but I can't seem to help myself. She just makes me feel so good about life, about myself. It's like, nothing is scary or bad when Charlie's around. One smile and she can lift my spirits and make me feel okay. But she's straight. And not interested in me. And I need to remember it. I can't be getting fixated on someone unattainable. I'll only get my heart broken. But then, like I said, at least she's safe. I know she'll never hurt me because we'll never go there together. I honestly don't know if I could go there with anyone. If I was going to try, it would have to be with someone I trust and care for like I do with Charlie. Maybe that's why I'm thinking all of this in the first place. Maybe I subconsciously want to move on but she's the only person I could bear to do that with because she's the only one I trust? I really don't know. All I know is that she makes my heart race and sometimes I hardly know where to look. She's so incredibly beautiful that I catch myself staring and then I get really embarrassed and start worrying that she's caught me at it.

We watched a DVD tonight but there is no way I could tell you what it was about. She tucked herself in the corner of the couch with a blanket, a beer and some ice cream. I sat down too and she lifted the blanket and invited me to get under it. I was wedged next to her, thigh to thigh and so for the rest of the film, all I was aware of was her body against mine. To make matters worse, or better, depending on how you look at it, she got overly excited about the new ice cream flavour she'd bought and got me to taste some, by literally feeding it to me from the spoon. Her spoon. The one that had been in her mouth. And she did it several times over the course of the evening and teased me over the fact that when we'd gone to buy movie snacks, I'd just chosen a boring chocolate bar. My whole body was on fire. It's been the first time I've been aware of myself in this way since... since. It was strange. It was a little bit frightening. It was a little bit exciting. And it was exceptionally frustrating. I also feel kind of bad to be having lusty thoughts about a woman who is basically my best friend. She's taken me into her home, looked after me and she has no idea whatsoever that I have any kind of feelings towards her. It feels a little like a betrayal. But what can I do about it? I can't stop feeling the way I do. And I can't tell her how I feel – that would be ridiculously counterproductive. And I can't leave the situation. I need her too much.

**Wednesday 25****th**** March 2009**

**5:17pm**

I have come to a decision. There is nothing wrong with harbouring appreciative feelings of attraction to a close friend. And in my situation, it's actually kind of helpful on account of eventually, one day, in the very, very, very distant future, I might actually want to find someone of my own. If I could picture being with someone as safe and loving as Charlie now, then perhaps this will pave the way for me to meet someone else in the future. Of course, the problem with that is that I doubt anybody else could ever match up to Charlie. She's perfection, as far as I'm concerned. I've never met someone so strong, compassionate and gentle before. And every day, she seems to want to do something with me. It's not a case of if, but when and that makes me feel so special. The idea of someone that incredible wanting to spend time with me... it blows my mind.

We went to the gym together today and I couldn't help but observe her work out. She is so into keeping fit! We're going for a run tomorrow morning and then to the lighthouse for lunch. I'm really looking forward to it. And I'm thrilled that she would want to spend her precious day off with me. She had to go to work pretty much straight after the gym today and I bumped into Aden and we spent an hour together. I've hardly seen him since I made the statement and told Brett the truth and everything. He asked how things were and I told him how much things had progressed and that Charlie had taken me in. He seemed really pleased. I'm really pleased!

**Wednesday 25****th**** March 2009**

**7:27pm**

I am in severe need of a cold shower. But I thought I'd write in here before I took one. So, Charlie came home from work and seemed to be wincing. I teased her a little about not being fit. I don't think I've met anyone fitter! She was all grumbly about sitting at her desk in the same position for too many hours and that she was a police officer, she should be out doing fun things, like arresting people, not shuffling papers. Then she winced again because her back is really sore. The words tumbled out of my mouth before I really thought them through. Because Mum was a masseuse, I grew up learning about that kind of thing and while I was never trained, I know how to do a basic, good, helpful massage. I offered before I could stop myself! And she accepted.

The next thing I knew, she was stretched out on her bed (the one I've been sleeping in), on her front, in a pair of shorts and an unhooked bra. I stared for a moment. She has the most perfect skin. Her head was turned towards me. She cracked an eye open and nudged me on playfully with something like 'get to it then'. So I crept onto the bed next to her, resisting the urge to straddle, and tentatively started massaging her back and shoulders. She was so relaxed and made a few comments that indicated she was enjoying it, or at least getting a lot out of it, so the tremble in my hands finally ceased and I just about got it done properly. Touching her was the most incredible experience I think I have ever had. I mean, it was better than having her spoon-feed me ice cream and that was pretty damn pleasant once I got over the shock. But now I can't stop thinking about touching her.

After I'd finished, she reached round, did her bra back up and rolled over to face me. I didn't know where to look so I desperately tried to focus on her face. Normally, looking at Charlie's face is not a problem but when she's lying there in a bra, I struggle not to get distracted. She beamed at me and said she already felt much better. I smiled back and said that if she wasn't up for our run in the morning, I didn't mind but she didn't think it would be a problem. Then she leant over, thanked me, kissed me on the cheek, got up, threw her t-shirt back on and left. And now, I need a cold shower. A very cold shower!


	10. Chapter 10

*This Chapter is randomly but especially dedicated to those on "The Kiss" thread. I love you guys!*

**Chapter Ten: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Sunday 22****nd**** March 2009**

**23:21**

I had an awesome weekend and now I'm totally exhausted. I woke Joey up early and took her out for the day. We drove into the countryside, got a little bit lost, and went for a walk and a meal. She has a medical exam tomorrow and I wanted to distract her a little bit. Every time she's reminded of it, she goes pale and gets really inarticulate, which suggests to me that she's pretty scared. I've managed to convince work that accompanying her is part of my job and I bagged the rest of the day off so I can take her to lunch and a movie. If I had to go through what she was going through, I know I would desperately want a friend to hold me up. I probably wouldn't let anybody get close enough to me in order for that to happen but if they did manage, I'd be grateful. And with Joey, it seems I've managed.

Over the past week (is that really how little time I've known her?), she's become an integral part of my life. She's very quiet around the house but she seems to be relaxing a little more each day. She never stops doing housework. I honestly can't remember the last time I had to wash a plate. And it's so sweet the way she greets me when I get home from work.

It was great to spend the day away from home. We just talked and laughed the entire time. It was relaxing and fun and exactly what I needed. She makes me feel really good about myself. It's hard to explain but she makes me feel like a good person. I know that I'm professional. I know that I do my best when it comes to looking out for Ruby. But I can't help wondering sometimes if I really am good enough. I mean, I make the world's worst decisions. I've hurt people. I speak before I think. I can snap when I don't mean to. But when Joey's around, everything feels so much easier. Only goodness seems to come from the time we spend together. It's nice. I don't think I've ever had a proper 'best friend' and certainly never one like her.

**Monday 23****rd**** March 2009**

**23:59**

Accompanying Joey to the medical examination was one of the most traumatic things I've ever been through. And I nearly drowned last year. I went into the room with her but stayed behind the curtain and didn't look at it. But I'm sure I heard her cry out ever so quietly and she was very vulnerable and upset afterwards. It was horrible.

I tried to be as positive as I could and made sure I gave her the space to talk about it if she wanted to. We did discuss it a little bit but she was as keen as I was to move on and make sure that we had a really good day. We had lunch and headed out to the movies. We talked about pretty much everything today. It was a real bonding session. She was telling me about past relationships and what a long journey she has been on to come to terms with her sexuality. She'd believed that it was wrong but then she met some girl who taught her otherwise. She's never really had anything serious – just some flings. It sounds pretty similar to me really. Except, obviously mine were with men. Not that that makes a difference. I don't really know why I wrote that. Anyway! We philosophised on love, laughed at the movie, shared popcorn and then returned home. Ignoring the horror of the morning, it was a damn good day.

**Wednesday 25****th**** March 2009**

**20:08**

Work has been pretty busy lately and life is feeling pretty good, although if Ruby uses my salad bowl one more time and doesn't put it back where she found it, I am really going to swing for her. That girl drives me crazy! Although, to cut her some slack, I think her and Xavier are having some kind of spat. I haven't really had the chance to talk to her about it. I just haven't had the time. Well, that's not true – I haven't really made the time. I've had a lot of work on, as I've just said but the rest of my time has been spent hanging out with Joey. I hope Ruby doesn't think I'm being neglectful. I don't mean it. It's just that Joey's had such a horrible time lately and she said to me that this is the first time that anyone has ever really wanted to spend time with her or made her feel special or good about herself. And she makes me feel good about myself too so we're very good for each other really.

Last night, after I got home we grabbed some munchies and watched a DVD together. And oh, I had the BEST ice-cream in the world! I am so buying that again! It was delicious! It was a nice, cosy night. We curled up under a blanket, ate ice-cream and chocolate, had a couple of beers and watched the film. I really enjoyed myself, although Joey seemed a bit tense for some reason. I never quite figured out why. Maybe I'll ask her. She seemed fine today though so maybe she'd just been stressing about Robbo-related things. I hope she knows she can talk to me about anything.

This morning we went out to the gym and then I went to work all day. I came back exhausted and in quite a lot of pain from being hunched over a desk in the same position all day. I get a little too engrossed sometimes and forget to take a break so my back was hurting. Joey offered to give me a massage. Her mother used to do massage for a living and taught Joey how to do it when she was a kid. It was amazing! She has very strong but very gentle hands. I swear I could have laid there forever. She seemed a little nervous at first but I got into it straight away. I might have got a little too into it actually. It was almost sensual. She really does have good hands.

**Thursday 26****th**** March 2009**

**07:34**

The weirdest thing happened last night. I'm still a little bit confused. Joey and I are going for a run in half an hour but I wanted to write it all down while it was fresh in my head so I can try and make sense of it before I see her again. I don't want to be weird around her. It's my issue, not hers. She hasn't done anything wrong.

Okay, so I know you're just a journal and you can't answer back but just for the sake of argument, I'm going to pretend that you're a person and I'm confiding in you. As if I would ever confide this to a real person! It's unthinkable! But anyway... Okay, have you ever had a dream that you didn't actually realise was a dream? I had one last night. A sex dream. An _incredible_ sex dream. But I was convinced that I was awake, which is the freaky part. In my dream, I woke up to find Joey – yes, Joey – crouched beside me. I looked next to me and Ruby was nowhere to be seen. Joey reminded me that Ruby was sleeping over at Annie's. In real life, this wasn't true but apparently, in the dream, I knew this. I asked her what she was doing in my room and she leant in close to me and said that she couldn't stop thinking about me since she'd given me the massage. For some bizarre reason, I said I'd been thinking about it too. And then she kissed me. And I kissed her back. And I really, really liked it. Then she pulled away and giggled and asked if I was going to let her in. I was really uncertain but she whispered that it would only be for tonight and nobody need know about it. So I lifted up the duvet and she snuggled in with me and we started kissing and touching and... I'm actually blushing while I'm writing this. I don't even know how I dreamt about having sex with a girl. I don't know how I pictured every detail so vividly. And I don't know how I felt it all so deeply that my skin was physically tingling, but it was. Joey took control and knew exactly what she was doing. Before I knew it, my clothes were off and I was at complete mercy to her touch. She was attentive and passionate and I never wanted it to end. She let me explore her in my inexperienced way and it was so real that I could taste her. We were reaching an ultimately crucial moment when suddenly she looked up from where she'd slipped down between my legs and snapped at me to stop wriggling, shoving my arm really hard. Stunned, I sat up and blinked. That's when I realised I was dreaming. Joey wasn't making love to me at all. She wasn't even in the room. I'd been writhing around in bed and disturbed Ruby in my sleep, who'd woken up, slapped me and yelled at me to stop moving. Breathing heavily, flushed and ridiculously turned on, I escaped the room. There was no way I could stay in there in the state I was in.

Entering the living room, who did I bump into but Joey? And literally at that! She was carrying a glass of water back to bed and ended up spilling it on my chest. I was mortified and she was embarrassed and apologetic. The absurdity of the situation hit me then and I started laughing and she started laughing too. She wondered what I was doing up at five in the morning and I said I couldn't sleep and was going to watch some TV. She offered some company and I accepted. She then awkwardly suggested I get something warmer or drier to put over me. I looked down and realised that either the dream or the water or a combination of both had left me um... standing to attention. I grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch and huddled under it. She smirked and made some comment about not minding the view but that I could really take an eye out with those things, which made me blush and laugh harder and equal measure. She joined me and we watched some TV. After an hour, I noticed that she was starting to drop off so I suggested she go back to bed but she insisted that she was awake. By half past six, she was sound asleep and her head was resting on my shoulder. I moved so that she was snuggled up against me more comfortably for both of us. I spent the entire time pondering the dream I'd had and I'm _still _thinking about it. I mean, it doesn't have to mean anything, does it? I think what happened is that the massage was the first physical contact I'd had from anybody in a while. It wasn't like an over-the-clothes job either. I was lying on the bed in only a pair of shorts with my bra unhooked and she was rubbing my body all over. And she really does have amazing hands. Whether those hands belong to a girl or not is neither here nor there. It's not that I'm attracted to Joey in any way. I mean, she's beautiful. I won't deny that. But I'm not attracted to her like that because she's female and I only like men. It's not her that I was thinking of. It's that I was thinking about physical contact, maybe even emotional contact. Joey makes me feel alive. She makes me feel safe. She's helping me get to a place where I feel like I could love and be loved again. Well, I say again – I mean for the first time really. I've never loved or been loved before, I don't think. Not really. The dream wasn't about Joey. I know it wasn't. And I need to keep things totally normal with her because it's not her fault. If she knew about any of this, she'd either be horrified or find it hilarious. It's totally platonic between us.

Joey stirred at seven and was horrified that she fell asleep. She apologised repeatedly but I assured her that it was fine. She looked terribly cute and sleepy and I stroked her face without even thinking. And then I got embarrassed. And then I chastised myself. Just because I'm obviously craving sex I shouldn't be changing my behaviour towards an innocent, platonic friend.

Anyway, I'm all ready to go for our run. I'm just waiting for Joey.

**Thursday 26****th**** March 2009**

**13:09**

I lied to Joey and now I feel terrible. I'm currently hiding out on the beach, having told her that I had to pike because there was a prior engagement that I forgot about. Why did I do that? Things have been going so well. She's my best friend in the whole world. She means everything to me. And now I'm sitting on the beach and she's sitting at home oblivious when we're meant to be up at the lighthouse having the wonderful time together that we usually do.

After the dream I had last night, I was a little freaked out but I was dealing and we had such a fun time on the beach this morning. We ended up racing each other (I won!) and we could hardly breathe for running and laughing so much. Then she challenged me to a race back to the house, which she then won (marginally). I was high on endorphins and her company. I think I actually shrieked "beat you to the shower" without thinking and we nearly knocked Jai flying when we got home. Things felt back to normal. Everything between us was easy and entertaining. I adore her.

But Ruby totally ruined my mood. She was all sour because of some kind of disaster she was having. I assume it's something to do with Xavier. It normally is. But I was busy getting the picnic together for me and Joey and I wasn't terribly eager to listen (which was probably really mean of me) and she ended up complaining that I had no time for her. She has a point and now I feel really bad. Ruby and I have always relied on each other and with Dad the way he is, really, we are all the family we have. She then planted the idea in my head that Joey might have feelings for me and it's really freaked me out. Now I don't know what to do.

I assumed everything was entirely platonic between us. I didn't want to be one of those women who assumed that just because you hung out with a lesbian it meant that you thought they were attracted to you. I don't want to be that kind of person. I didn't think Joey liked me that way. She probably doesn't. But what if she does? Does it matter to me? I don't know. There's something about the idea that makes me deeply uncomfortable. And I'm not sure why. I'm really, really not sure why because it's not the first time. When I was at Uni, I was friends with a gay girl and she liked me and that was fine. I told her I wasn't interested but that I cared about her as a friend. And everything was fine. I don't understand why this isn't the same. Maybe it's the dream that freaked me out, even though I know I don't have feelings for her. Maybe I do have feelings for her... No, I really don't. I have never, ever had feelings for a woman before. I like men. I only like men. I like their muscles and their... manliness. I have a very deep connection with Joey, deeper than I've had with anyone else in my entire life. I think that's what makes it confusing. Maybe I'm afraid of her romantic feelings getting in the way of our friendship. But whatever the case, I've lied to her and I feel strange around her now. And I hate that. It's getting in the way already. Of course, I could be making a mountain out of a molehill here. Ruby tends to over-dramatise. She could be making something out of nothing. I'm probably not making any sense. I'm going for a walk.

**Thursday 26****th**** March 2009**

**20:13**

My walk resulted in a terrible mood. I bumped into Robbo of all people. He really is the most disgusting creature that ever walked this earth. It makes me feel physically ill to think of what he did to my Joey. He started making comments about her and I, something about me wanting her for myself. I shut him down and challenged him to come to the house. I really would love an excuse to arrest him and kick him all the way to jail. He deserves to rot for what he did to her. I will never ever forget the images she put in my mind during that interview and all the things she's told me since. I've actually cried over it and it didn't even happen to me. Plus, I'm not one for tears. We had a bit of an argument, which is possibly unprofessional but just looking at him makes me blow a fuse.

My mood further depleted when I walked into the Surf Club to find Hugo hitting on Joey. I was unforgivably impolite. I don't even understand what came over me but I basically kicked him out. Even Joey, in whose eyes I can do no wrong, commented that I was rude. I should probably apologise to him but I really don't want to. Maybe I haven't forgiven him yet for standing me up that time. In my defence, I had literally just walked in from that encounter with Robbo and I was therefore feeling more overprotective of Joey than normal. And I am normally pretty overprotective. But if I'm being 100% honest, I was a little jealous. I didn't like the fact that Joey was giggling away with Hugo when she and I should have been up at the lighthouse together at that very moment. And I know that I'm being entirely unreasonable considering that the reason we weren't at the lighthouse was because I cancelled on her, not the other way around. Ironically, when we spoke about it this evening, Joey thought it was because I liked Hugo. As if! I made a mental note of the fact that she didn't seem too fussed about the fact that she thought I liked him. So maybe this whole thing that I've conjured up in my head is a storm in a teacup. It wouldn't be the first time that Ruby has wound me up over nothing. I mean, that time I was meant to go out with Hugo – the only reason I made an effort was because Ruby convinced me he was really into me and therefore convinced me that I was more into him than I actually was. I don't think I'm into him hardly at all to be honest. He's just... there. He's not exactly the perfect guy I described in here a few weeks ago. The only person that even comes close to fitting that description is... Oh crap.

**Thursday 26****th**** March 2009**

**22:03**

I had to take a writing break and have a nice hot bath to clear my head a bit but I'm nice and relaxed and can continue now. I've decided to draw a line under the last day and forget all about any of these stupid and confusing feelings. Joey is my best friend and that's all. She is not 'perfect for me'. Everything is platonic between us. She has no feelings for me and this whole thing has been totally blown out of proportion. Having said that, I might not spend quite as much time with her as I have been. If nothing else, she needs to stand on her own two feet and not rely on me as much as she has been. She is a beautiful, intelligent, capable woman and she needs to discover that independently of me.

Where was I in my diary entry before anyway? Oh yeah, I'd been rude to Hugo. Well, Joey scolded me for being rude to him and I said that I'd just been protecting her. She told me that I was a good bodyguard. She touched my arm. I left pretty quickly. When I got home later, I told her about seeing Robbo and we talked a little about how frightened she still is. Xavier came round to see Ruby. She's been more cheerful this evening so I guess they made up after whatever fight they've been having. I never did find out. I guess I should probably be a good big sister and ask her. Although I'm still a little mad at her for sending my mind into such a spin.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Thursday 26****th**** March 2009**

**1:13pm**

Last night, well, the early hours of this morning was somewhat random. I ended up quite literally bumping into Charlie at 5:00am when I was returning from getting a glass of water. I spilt it over her. She got wet. And cold. I don't think I need to describe the scene. I tried and failed not to look. She was having trouble sleeping so I kept her company on the couch. We watched some TV. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up in her arms a little while later. I was embarrassed. She wasn't fazed at all so I relaxed. It was quite pleasurable.

We got ready really quickly and went for the most entertaining but exhausting run I have ever been on. We got really competitive and started charging across the beach in a race. She won and ended up sprawled in a heap on the sand in hysterics. I couldn't handle the defeat so raced her back to the house and beat her there! Success! We arrived home, nearly taking one of Ruby's friends out as we crashed into the kitchen in a fit of giggles. Charlie then shrieked, "Beat you to the shower!" and dashed off, leaving my mind completely in the gutter. I didn't follow her to the shower in body but I totally followed her in mind. I couldn't help smiling and gazing after her and I am certain that Ruby caught on. I just can't help smiling when Charlie's around though. She makes me so happy. Even with everything that's happened to me, when Charlie's there, somehow everything's okay. And I'm starting to lose my ability to hide my feelings. I'm really worried that Charlie's starting to catch on too and that would probably destroy us. No straight girl wants some lesbian lusting after them. Charlie is one of the broadest minded people I've ever met but even she has her limits. It's strange with her though. Sometimes I think she suspects that I'm developing feelings for her and sometimes I don't think she has a clue. If she does know, she is a complete tease with the way she behaves towards me. Massages, snuggles, feeding me ice-cream, attentiveness, general flirting... it's enough to make me explode sometimes!

We were meant to be going to the lighthouse for a picnic this afternoon but she had to cancel on me at short notice. I tried to pretend I didn't mind but I was really disappointed. I understood, of course. She had a prior engagement and she's already dedicated so much time to me, done so much for me. I shouldn't monopolise her time like I do. But to think that I had a whole afternoon of her company snatched away from me is hard to take. She'd obviously realised it really suddenly because when I came into the kitchen, she'd already packed the hamper and then left it on the table. Still, maybe we can do it another day. I really hope so. Well, there's little point hanging around here by myself pining for her. I might as well go out and find some entertainment. Wow! I must have grown in confidence. It wasn't so long ago that the thought of going out just for the hell of it wouldn't have occurred to me. Progress!

**Thursday 26****th**** March 2009**

**5:16pm**

I think Charlie likes Hugo. I know I shouldn't be upset about it but I just can't seem to help myself. I know I'm being ridiculous. It's not like Charlie and I getting together was ever on the cards but I still feel sad. I guess I didn't think this crush through properly. With Charlie lavishing so much attention on me all the time, I pretty much forgot anyone else in the world existed, least of all men that could steal her away from me. She told me a few days ago about how she had almost been on a date with Hugo but he cancelled right at the last minute when she was already there and dolled up and that she'd been mad at him ever since. She'd sworn off men and decided that she didn't want to do relationships or anything for now. But judging by today, she obviously likes him still. She was so rude to him! Okay, those last two sentences really didn't make any sense. What I mean is, she came into the Surf Club and found him hitting on me. Well, she thought he was hitting on me. He was probably just being friendly. I'm not that good at reading flirting signs really, if I'm totally honest – especially when it comes to guys. But if he was trying to make a pass at me, I didn't especially mind. He was nice enough. Like I told Charlie, just because I'm not into that kind of thing, doesn't mean I can't be polite. But she arrived, judged the situation and pretty much told him to piss off. He ran away pretty quickly and she remained in a foul mood. I pointed out how rude she'd been, although I also said I realised that she was just playing bodyguard. But she remained pretty cagey and she rushed off straight away. I hope she's not angry with me or anything. Things were so great between us this morning.

**Thursday 26****th**** March 2009**

**9:59pm**

Everything is okay... ish. Charlie isn't angry. And she isn't into Hugo either. Yes, I came out and asked her. Sort of. When she got home from work, I was watching TV and she came to sit with me. She was really on edge and seemed to want to talk about what happened. For one awful moment, I thought she had me sussed and was going to 'let me down gently' and explain that she wanted Hugo but didn't want to hurt my feelings. But it wasn't about Hugo at all. I mean, it wasn't really much better than that but at least I still have Charlie to myself for now. Oh dear, how terrible does that sound? I don't mean it like that. I know she isn't mine.

Right before Charlie found me talking to Hugo, she bumped into Robbo at the beach and apparently it was really intense and freaked her out. So when she saw me, she was still really upset. Obviously I can empathise with that! I admitted how scared I still am of him. I don't get nightmares every single night now, which is an improvement but I do still get them. And I'm aware that even if I can go out and about freely now, I still look for him everywhere I go. The fact that he's not allowed to go near me, doesn't make quite as much difference to me as I had hoped it would. And it frightens me that he would go near Charlie. The thought of him hurting her destroys me. Even the thought of him looking at her makes me hurt. I told her that I keep expecting him to knock on the door. In perfect timing, there was a knock on the door and my heart jumped into my throat. She looked at me, silently telling me to stay there. I wouldn't have been able to get my body to move even if I'd have wanted it to. I was frozen in place and relaxed only when I realised it was Ruby's boyfriend. Charlie and I talked a little more about the Robbo situation tonight. She keeps trying to encourage me to go to some kind of victim support but I really don't want to. I'm fine as I am.

**Friday 27****th**** March 2009**

**10:37am**

I had the worst night's sleep. I had one of the worst nightmares I've had since the first few days of... well, you know. I woke up sweating and confused and didn't know where I was for a few moments. I guess I must have been screaming because the next thing I knew, Charlie had bust into the room, looking panicked. She rushed straight over to me, realised it was just a dream and gathered me into her arms. She climbed onto the bed and held me while I cried. I guess it was all that talk about Robbo yesterday that did it. I try not to think or talk about it unless I can help it. I'm dreading the trial. I'll have to think about him then. Am I going to be screaming the house down every night?

This morning, I tried to pretend that nothing had happened. Following my lead, Charlie didn't mention anything. I showered, dressed and flopped on the couch with the newspaper, distracting myself with an article about a shipwreck that Charlie's been looking into this week at work. She brought me a cup of tea without even needing to ask whether I wanted one. We got into a discussion about boats and she found my love of them amusing while I found her lack of love of them horrifying. Leah came in and asked us if we could scoot at around lunch time so that she could have friends over so I suggested that Charlie and I have lunch, considering we missed out yesterday. She agreed but she has to leave me at one thirty because she already made plans. It'll be short but I'll make sure it's sweet. I called Alf earlier and I've managed to hire his boat for the afternoon and I'm going to take Charlie out on it. There is no way that this woman is going to spend her life not appreciating the wonder of being out on the water. Not with me as her friend! I'm going to head out to the Diner soon and get a hamper made up and then surprise her with it. I hope she likes it. I want it to be a special treat for her to say thank you for everything she does for me – for helping me press charges, for the support, for the days out, the lunches, putting a roof over my head, the friendship, the laughter, the protection, for comforting me last night when I was so afraid... The list is endless really.

**Friday 27****th**** March 2009**

**9:39pm**

If somebody could give me a damn clue as to what the hell happened today then I would be extremely grateful. A few evenings ago, Charlie and I had the kind of friendship where we could snuggle under the same duvet and she would feed me ice-cream from her spoon. Tonight, she's hiding in her bedroom pretending that she has a migraine. She _so _does not have a migraine. Liar! She just doesn't want to see me. And she's blaming me for everything. And I stood there and I took all the damn blame like a total loser but now I'm sitting here and I'm thinking, no, it wasn't my fricking fault! There were two of us on that boat. All this time, I've been under the illusion that I was the only one who had feelings but she has feelings for me. Retrospectively, it all makes sense. Platonic friends _do not_ do half the things that Charlie has done with me over the last couple of weeks. She might not have realised what she was doing. She might not have understood her feelings. But they're there. I'm sure they are. Now she's freaking out and hiding away because she's realised it too and she can't handle it.

We met at the Diner at noon, as planned and she was surprised when she saw me with my hamper that Colleen had just filled up. She reminded me that we didn't have a lot of time but I insisted and finally she was smiling and said in that flirtatious way she has, that she was open to being convinced. She really was nervous when we stepped on board but I held her hand and took her to the wheel. Once we were out on the water though, she started to relax and we really had a great time. I showed her how to steer and after a little persuading and some teasing challenges, she took the wheel, but only with me standing behind her, holding the wheel too. It was nice to be in a position where I was more knowledgeable and able actually. That sounds strange but since Charlie and I met, I guess I've really looked up to her. I've looked up to her in a lot of ways. She's the police officer, the one who protects me and took me under her wing. To be able to teach her and show her, to be able to take charge of something and guide her, was a new and powerful experience for me. And it was so lovely to see her let her hair down and really enjoy herself. She really is so beautiful when she laughs.

We had our lunch on deck and Charlie was really pleased with how much attention I paid to the food she likes. We ate and talked and laughed and then I brought the boat back to the wharf and tied it up. Jumping back on board, I started cleaning up our lunch. Charlie started helping but I was aware of the time and pointed out that she ought to go if she didn't want to be late for her friend. But she didn't seem to want to leave. And that made me really happy. Eventually, she decided just to text her friend and cancel and that made me even happier. I teased her about my cunning plan having worked. Looking back now, she looked a little panicked then. I didn't understand it when it happened but now, I wonder if she thought that I'd been planning on seducing her or something. I honestly and truly wasn't. The idea of someone as incredible as Charlie Buckton even looking at me would have been ridiculous until later that afternoon.

She cancelled her plans and we stretched out on cushions on the deck and spent the afternoon talking and enjoying the sun. I told her about my Dad and how impossible he had been. The only time I ever made Dad proud was when we were on a boat. The rest of the time, he didn't like me. He hit me a few times. Mum was pretty passive but we got on well. She told me about her parents. She had a close relationship with her mother but never got enough attention from her father who was always too busy working. He has Alzheimer's now and she admitted that she would give anything to have him back the way he was. I connected the dots and figured out that Charlie became a cop to impress her Dad. She said it wasn't conscious but that it certainly played a part. I told her that her Dad would be proud of her and I really mean it. She is an awesome cop. She got all shy and believes she has a long way to go yet. My next words slipped out before I could stop them. I told her how lovely she was. And she is. To me, Charlie is absolute perfection. I couldn't stop smiling at her. She got all shy and my compliments kept coming. I admitted how she made me feel – happy, able to get through the pain so much quicker, safe... She has done more for me in the last few weeks than my family ever did for me my entire life. I thanked her and dared to touch her thigh. She didn't break away. I remember now that I touched her arm yesterday and she rushed off in a hurry. Today, it was me who broke contact.

One of my favourite songs came on the CD player and I jumped up and started dancing. What can I say? I was high on Charlie's company. I was having a great time, throwing myself around, laughing and watching Charlie giggling at me. I beckoned her towards me but she declined. I wouldn't take no for an answer and hauled her to feet and she very quickly got into it. We were dancing and laughing and having such a wonderful time. Then the track changed.

The next song was _Love Only Hurts _by Blanche Dubois. It's slow, mushy and atmospheric. It was like everything happened in slow motion. We were standing there facing each other, self-conscious and nervous. Suddenly, it was like the most normal thing in the world, the expected thing would be to reach out, hold each other, dance, and even kiss... which is weird because to both of us, it was the most unexpected thing. I couldn't stop fiddling with my hair. It's been a nervous habit of mine since I was a kid. And I couldn't take my eyes away from Charlie, watching every movement as she touched her face and hair and cast nervous glances around. I tried to smile and I really didn't know where to go from there. My heart was racing at the prospect of maybe holding her for a little while, even if nothing more than that happened. And I was terrified that maybe I was reading it wrong and only imagining the waves of feeling that were pouring from the goddess in front of me. And then I saw it. Her fingers were trembling. She was trying to decide whether to reach out to me or not. So I reached out to her. And she didn't retreat, not then anyway. We were connected. And the gap between us got smaller. And then she reached out to me with her other hand. _She _reached out to _me_. She guided our hands up between us so they were chest level and we gazed into each others' eyes. My hands were tingling as she stroked my fingers. It was the most charged moment I have ever experienced in my life. It was so overwhelmingly powerful. If only I could have kept her there for a few moments longer, I might now be stretched out on my – sorry – _her_ bed and know, even if only for a moment what it's like to kiss those beautiful lips. But she caught herself. She got frightened right at the last moment, let go of my hands and ran away. She mumbled something about having to go and that it was great, grabbed her stuff and ran away. I just stared after her, completely deflated. She looked back at me once.

In a much less exuberant fashion, I packed everything up, made sure the boat was exactly as I'd found it, dropped everything back to the appropriate people and came home again. Leah was making dinner and Ruby said that Charlie wouldn't be down because she had a migraine. Leah was concerned and decided to take her up some aspirin and water. I offered to do it. I couldn't bear not to talk to her. I found her in her dressing gown, lying on the bed looking desperately unhappy and I thought my heart was going to break in two, to think that I had caused that. By the time I'd got to her, she'd completely shut down. She denied that anything happened at all. I still don't understand how she could lie like that. She was there. She knows what happened as well as I do. That's when she tried to pin everything on me. She told me that she would have been more careful around me if she'd have known I would have developed feelings for her. She insisted that she only cared for me as a friend and apologised if I felt that she led me on. I don't believe for a second that she doesn't have feelings for me. I don't know what those feelings are exactly, but I know they exist. I tried to make sure that she knew I hadn't taken her out on the boat to come on to her or anything. I hope she accepted it. She wasn't terribly responsive. I wished her better and left and I haven't seen her since. I ate with Leah, VJ and Ruby and then hid in my room for the rest of the night.

So, today really was a day of revelation. I realised that Charlie has feelings for me. I honestly don't know what they are, or if she could ever bring herself to act on them but they're real. I know they are. Despite what she says. And another thing I learned? I don't just have a crush on her. I am overwhelmingly, uncontrollably in love with Charlie Buckton. And there's not a single thing I can do about it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Friday 27****th**** March 2009**

**18:07**

I nearly kissed her. I can't believe I nearly kissed her. Joey. I nearly kissed Joey. Joey, who's a girl. She's a girl. And I nearly kissed her. I can't believe I nearly kissed her. I nearly kissed her! We nearly kissed. I _wanted _to kiss her. I think I might even regret _not _kissing her. I can't get my head around this.

**Friday 27****th**** March 2009**

**19:00**

Okay, so the day started with me feeling cautious but compassionate. Joey had a nightmare last that frightened her so much that she started screaming in her sleep. I was feeling restless anyway so her screams woke me up. I rushed in to check on her, momentarily frightened that maybe Robbo had broken into the house but she was alone. She was a mess so I climbed onto the bed and held her for a couple of hours until she drifted back to sleep again. Then I tucked her back in and went back to sleep myself.

She seemed to want to ignore it in the morning so I played along but made sure she had a cup of tea before I left for my workout. Leah wanted us out of the house at lunch so Joey and I arranged to eat together. I was a little reluctant so I lied to her (again) and made up a coffee date so that we didn't end up spending too long together. She went to such a lot of trouble though. She hired Alf's boat and packed up a hamper and took me out on the water. We'd been talking that morning about her love of boats and my lack of enthusiasm for them and so she'd taken it upon herself to take me out. I can't help but wonder now if she took me out there to seduce me but she's sworn that she didn't and I know her well enough that she's not a liar. I think today took her by surprise as much as it did me, to be perfectly honest. I wonder if she's as freaked out as I am too.

I had the most amazing day with her. Too amazing. Far, far too amazing – which is why I'm stuck in mine and Ruby's room feigning a migraine.

Joey is just so happy out on the water. Even talking about boats gets her all excited and cute. I mean, excited. Not cute. Maybe a bit cute. But actually out there, she really comes alive. She was happy like I've never seen her. She taught me all about sailing and steering and challenged me into taking the wheel but technically it's against the law so she stood behind me and held my hands while I steered. My hands tingled when she touched mine. I didn't even try to ignore it. I was lost in the moment.

We had lunch and she'd been so sweet as to pick out all my favourite food. When it was nearing the time I had to leave, there was no way I wanted to go. I pretend to text my 'friend' and cancel. I couldn't tear myself away from Joey. She'd gone to so much effort. She was so fun and entertaining, so sweet and charming. I had one moment of panic, when I said I'd cancel and she teasingly said that her plan had worked. I worried about what she'd meant but she came back with, "You're getting hooked no boats already!" I laughed and said she was pretty convincing. And she is. In so many ways. Too many ways. I can't bear this. Part of me just wants to charge into her room, fling myself into her arms and finish what we started. My head is swimming with thoughts of what it would be like to kiss her. I spent a hell of a lot of time looking at her mouth today and really does have the most perfect lips. They're so unbelievably kissable. No! No, they're not. They're not kissable at all. For goodness sake, woman – pull yourself together. This is Joey – _female _Joey. I'm not attracted to girls. I have never been attracted to girls. And I'm not changing now. Not for anyone.

Anyway, where was I? Yes, I 'cancelled' and we spent the afternoon talking about deep and meaningful things. We talked about families, painful memories of high school and how lonely life can get sometimes. She surprised me by how well she can get me to open up about things. I don't talk to anyone about Dad and yet there I was, exploring how I feel about him with her. She tuned into the fact that I became a cop in order to follow in his footsteps and then she started paying me compliments that melted my heart, even though I didn't want them to. She gazed at me and told me that I was 'so lovely'. I don't feel so lovely right now. I think I've really hurt her. I didn't mean to but I can't cope with this. And when I can't cope with something, I retreat. It's just the way I am. She told me that I had been amazing to her and that she didn't understand why but that she was grateful. She said that I made her feel good again and that I had given her back fun days that she never thought she'd have. Apparently I get her past the hard times much quicker, although I doubt she's thinking that now. She said she'd never been looked after like this before and judging by what she's told me about her family, I can believe it. Her father sounds vile and I already think very little of her brother. She touched my leg then. I looked at her hand and I felt my skin vibrating with excitement. It's been a long time since someone had that level of effect on me.

I was disappointment when she broke the contact but amused when she suddenly leapt to her feet and started dancing. I just couldn't contain my laughter as she strut her funky stuff on deck. She just let go and was having a great time. She beckoned me towards her with a little finger. I was struck by how enticing she was. And then felt so stunned by the thought that I had to say no. But she pulled me to my feet anyway. And regardless of how silly I felt, I did join in and I did have a blast. And then it happened. The music changed from a lively song to a slow one, we stopped giggling, drew in our breaths and faced each other. I didn't know where to look and nor did she. I don't think I've ever been so aware of my body before. It was like ever fibre of my being was humming and alive. Standing there, in a place that made her so happy, Joey looked so exquisitely beautiful. All I wanted to do was touch her. But I didn't know how. My right hand had a life of its own. I was fiddling with my fingers, silently urging her to reach out for me. And she did. And later, I blamed her for it, because to the casual observer it looked like Joey made the first move. But I encouraged her to do it. I willed her to do it. I wanted her so badly. She held my hand and hormones surged between us. Our bodies came closer and I reached carefully for her other hand. We held them up between us and held them there. I couldn't stop touching her and stroking her skin. She was so soft and vulnerable. But I was so frightened and tense. My body was rigid. Part of me wanted to throw myself into the depths of her, hold her, kiss her, maybe even act out that dream I had. But the other part of me wanted to run far, far away. And the other part won. I dropped her hands, made a flimsy excuse and ran away. And I've been hiding ever since.

She came home an hour or so after me and it wasn't long before she appeared in my room with medication, water and an assertion that she didn't believe my migraine story. I was horrible. I basically told her that everything was her fault, that she had misread signals that didn't exist and that I didn't feel anything for her more than friendship. She seemed to feel really bad, apologised, swore that she hadn't taken me out there because she expected anything to happen between us and wished me better. Then she left.

How on earth did I get into this mess? How on earth do I get out of it?

**Sunday 29****th**** March 2009**

**01:01**

Well, I just got back from the most ridiculous date in the history of the universe. And this time, it was all my fault. Still, at least Hugo showed up this time.

I'm not entirely sure how I went from nearly kissing Joey to going on a date with Hugo in the space of a day but it made sense at the time. Sort of. Well, not really. To be perfectly honest with you, nothing makes sense in my head right now.

I rushed out early in the morning and stayed out of Joey's way all day. She tried to call me a couple of times but I ignored her. Thankfully she didn't mention the missed calls when I saw her. I saw Ruby at the Surf Club and she mentioned that Joey wanted to cook us all a meal that evening. Panicked, I arranged a date with Hugo instead. Retrospectively, that was unforgivably rude. You don't do that to a friend, especially when they haven't done anything to you. What happened on the boat was a joint effort and I'm making her feel guilty about it because I can't handle all the emotions going on in my head and heart. I'm treating her terribly and I can't seem to stop it.

When I arrived home, she was cooking and had no idea that I wasn't attending. I presumed Ruby would have let her know. She pretended she didn't care. It was obvious that she did. I was cold with her and hurried away to get ready. I saw her before I left. The word that escaped her when she saw me all dressed up was "wow" and then she looked really embarrassed, as if she didn't mean to say it. Then I got embarrassed. She asked where I was off to. I told her I was going out with Hugo. She looked like I'd told her she was dying. I left as soon as I could.

The date was a disaster. All I could think about was Joey. All I ever think about is Joey and looking back through this diary, it's been that way without me noticing for a very long time. I hardly write about anything else at all anymore. It's like I don't have a life outside of her anymore. Joey is my world. She's governs all my emotions. And tonight, she governed my entire conversation. All I could think about was her and therefore all I could talk about was her. It just kept spewing out of me like vomit and I couldn't stop myself. And the more I tried, the more I failed. Poor Hugo was bored to tears. I finally shut up towards the end of the main course but Joey was still on my mind. I kept wondering how her meal with Ruby was going and if they were having a good time. I feel terrible that I let her down and that I ran away. Why couldn't I just have done the mature thing and spoken to her? I'm an adult, professional woman and I can't have a grown up conversation just because it feels a little awkward? Why am I behaving like this? Okay, so we nearly kissed. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Sometimes people have fleeting attractions. It doesn't have to matter. It could just have been two people, swept up in the moment, feeling a little crazy. It doesn't have to be the end of the world.

Well, I'd better stop writing now. Ruby's getting cranky about the light being on, although she wasn't so fussed about being kept awake when she wanted me to spill my guts to her instead of to my journal. I'd best stop writing now but I think I'm going to go and speak to Joey in the morning. We really need to sort this out. I care for her too much and she's such a special part of my life. I can't lose her now. We can work through anything if our friendship is as strong as we think it is. Yes, I'm going to talk to her. Maybe I could knock on her door now. No, it's too late. She's probably asleep. I'll wait until the morning.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Saturday 28****th**** March 2009**

**1:30pm**

Charlie couldn't have got out of the house faster this morning if she'd tried. She blames me for everything. She hates me. Maybe everything I wrote last night was completely inaccurate. Maybe she really doesn't have feelings for me. Maybe I'm some kind of sexual predator and I forced myself on her. Maybe she was playing with her fingers because she didn't know how to tell me to get lost. But then, she did take my other hand. I'm just so confused. And so angry with myself. I can't believe I've messed up the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. Everything that is good and happy in my world right now is about Charlie and now I've lost her. She won't even look at me. She won't take my calls. If she bothers to show for the meal I'm cooking for us all tonight then I'm likely to have a heart attack. I hope she does though. It's for everyone of course, but it's especially for her. I'm saying goodbye. I realised last night that I can't stay here. It was naive of me to think that I could live in the same house as someone I have unrequited feelings for. And I shouldn't be living off other people anyway. I'm going to make this goodbye/thank you meal and then slip away tonight. I have enough money on my credit card for a hotel and then I'm on my way. Where I'm going, I haven't got any idea but I'll figure something out. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. I need to learn to live without Charlie or I'll never learn to live at all. It's a shame I'm going to break my own heart in the process.

**Sunday 29****th**** March 2009**

**1:01am**

I'm sitting in my old bedroom in my old house – Brett's house. I managed to sneak in without him noticing and I'm just praying he doesn't find me. I couldn't get away until really late tonight, much later than intended (the whole evening didn't really go to plan) and it's too late to go to a hotel now. Logically, maybe I should have stayed at Leah's one more night but I knew that if I didn't leave that house behind then, I'd never do it. And I need to do this. I have to leave Charlie behind. I can't even think about her right now without crying and picturing what she might be doing. She's probably having sex with Hugo. Hugo, who she promised she wasn't into. Well, she's either into him or me. Either way, she's lying to me. I don't even know how I feel about her anymore. Okay, now I'm the liar. I'm head over heels in love with her. That pretty much sums it up.

**Sunday 29****th**** March 2009**

**2:04am**

I can't sleep. There's too much in my head. I guess I may as well write it all down. There's little else to do while I wait for Brett to go to work so I can escape to a hotel. I can't even pee because I'll wake him up.

Dinner didn't quite go to plan, although as it turned out, I had a blast. First Leah and VJ couldn't make it. Then Charlie couldn't – and she didn't even have the courtesy to tell me. She blamed it on Ruby who was meant to tell me but really, all it would have taken was a text. But she can't even bring herself to do that.

I'd already started cooking when Charlie got home, abrupt and cold and said she was going out and wouldn't be staying. Then Ruby cancelled. Stuck with a meal that would spoil, I suggested that Ruby bring the friends she was going out with round for the meal instead and thankfully, she jumped at the chance.

I saw Charlie before she went out and she looked more stunning than I've ever seen her, which is quite a feat. She's the type of woman who looks beautiful first thing in the morning, last thing at night, having had no sleep, under major stress, in uniform, in pyjamas... whatever. She'd look great in a bin bag. She'd look great in nothing. She'd look really great in nothing! Anyway, she broke my heart a little bit more by awkwardly declaring that she was going on a date with Hugo. I bet they're doing it right now. He's so lucky to get his hands on her. I bet she had a great time tonight and she's thrilled to be cured of any minor fluttering of attraction she may or may not have had towards me. I bet she didn't think about stupid, little me again from the moment she walked out the door. Ugh, I have to stop thinking about her! I'm doing the healthy thing. I'm walking away. I'm taking charge of my life. I'm leaving her behind.

The evening with Ruby and her mates was fun. Annie, Jai, Xavier and Xavier's brother Brendan came over. They liked my signature dish and we all played cards and laughed together. I tried not to think about Charlie, although she got mentioned once. I mentioned her date with Hugo and I tried to be upbeat about it and act like I didn't care but I think my voice was a little too chipper. I couldn't fail to notice the look that Ruby gave me. She totally has me sussed, which is another reason to get away from that family.

After the card game, people were starting to go so I excused myself to bed but actually, I grabbed the bag I'd packed and left. Brendan saw me but I doubt he'll say anything. I slipped away into the night, feeling nervous. I still don't like being out in the dark by myself. I crept into the house and now here I am, miserable, lonely and missing the place that has been more of a home to me than this place has ever been. Missing people that have been more of a family to me than I could ever have dreamed of. Why did it have to go like this? Why couldn't I have just kept my stupid hormones in check? Things were so perfect with Charlie before. Why did it have to get ruined? Why did I have to go and fall for her? Why won't she fall for me?

**Sunday 29****th**** March 2009**

**8:59pm**

You'd think something like nearly dying would put things into a bit of perspective but for me, not so much. I'm still as unhappy as ever and more determined than before to run away. I can't handle this town or anything that's happened in it and I can't handle Charlie. I can never see her again. She's a walking, talking, beautiful contradiction and if I spend any more time with her, my head is going to explode.

I can't even begin to describe what happened today, except that it was my worst nightmare. I knew that Robbo would never leave me alone. I knew that someday, he'd come after me. And he did. I was so stupid. I should have just left Summer Bay properly and permanently. I made myself vulnerable and gave him exactly the right opportunity to hurt me. I came so close to dying by his hand today and I was so scared. But the thing is now, I hardly even care. I don't even understand the feelings raging through me. All I can process is the pain I'm in. I can't fathom where it's coming from. All I know is that it hurts and I need to find a way of escaping.

Robbo found me at my hotel. He grabbed me. He tied me up. He tried to drown me in a bath of cold water. The cops burst in. Robbo fled but got caught. Charlie saved me. She held me. She cried. We had to go to the station. She got busy with interviewing Robbo. I got the distinct impression that even after everything, she still couldn't be around me. I left. I'm about to start packing. I'm leaving. Forever.

**Monday 30****th**** March 2009**

**2:30am**

Well, I didn't leave forever. In fact, I'm back at Charlie's place in her room. She's sleeping in Ruby's room again. And I'm even more confused than I was before and up until now, I hadn't believed that was possible. We kissed. No, let's clarify – she kissed me. _She _kissed me. She kissed _me. _She _kissed _me. And now, surprise, surprise, she's freaking out. I hope I'm not that bad at it! I've never had any complaints before! I laugh because I don't want to cry. This has been the most bewildering day in history and the situation isn't even close to nearing a conclusion yet.

While I was packing, Charlie knocked on my door. I considered not answering but then, knowing I was leaving her... the thought of never seeing her and not getting to say goodbye when she was right there on the other side of a piece of wood was too much to bear. I opened the door but I wasn't friendly. There was no way I was going to make anything easy on her. That would make things impossible for me. I knew I had to stay strong or I'd never leave in one piece. And I'd come too close to leaving in a body-bag that day to risk myself again. I know there's a big gap in this diary but I'm not ready to write about that yet. I continued packing while she fussed about me seeing a doctor. I know she's probably right but I don't want to. I feel fine. I don't want anyone prodding and poking me or handing me dumb leaflets about the effects of trauma. I nearly died. I'll get over it. I was raped. I'm getting over it. Charlie's breaking my heart. I'll get over it. All I need to do is shut down and stop feeling. It's obviously possible. That's what Charlie does all the time. God, I sound so mad at her. I don't even know if I am. I don't know what I'm feeling about her right now. She kissed me. But she looked so horrified before we parted company tonight and wouldn't talk to me about it that I just know she's going to tell me it was a terrible mistakes that she's ashamed of and embarrassed about. And just like Friday's incident, something that was actually amazingly beautiful it's going to end up feeling dirty and wrong.

I'm getting sidetracked. She kept going on about how close I came to dying. I fought tears. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about it. I don't want to write about it. The less I have to remember about Robbo having his hands on me _again, _having power over me _again_, the happier and better off I am. Then she wanted to know why I left and didn't tell her where I was going. The question broke me and I burst out something like I thought I was doing the right thing because she had a problem with me. I told her honestly that I couldn't be around her anymore because it's too difficult and confusing. She then started on that sanctimonious little trip she's developed about giving me false signals and I'd finally had enough. I called her on it. I told her that she gave me signals but they were real ones. She insisted that I was wrong but looking into her eyes as she said it, I knew she didn't believe that any more than I did. She looked so vulnerable standing there in front of me but I couldn't let the challenge go. I asked her about her date with Hugo, although part of me didn't really want the details. I still have awful images of those two in my head. I don't want her to be with anyone else but me. If only she'd get over the fact that I'm a girl and give into her feelings, I honestly believe that Charlie and I could be so happy together. I mean, I know she's probably too good for me but I swear I would love that woman with every inch of my being. There is nothing I wouldn't do for Charlie. Anything she wanted or needed from me, I'd provide, if only she'd give me the chance.

She dismissed my question with a 'fine'. She didn't want to talk about Hugo. I don't know whether that means it went well or badly really. I don't know if I want to find out. She was more focussed on where I was going. I told her I didn't know and then tried to get her to leave but she got upset. She didn't want to say goodbye like that, I guess. Then she really did ask the most ridiculous question I've ever heard. She stepped forward, desperately asking why I was doing this and asked if we could still be friends. No! Hasn't she heard a single word I've been saying? Has she never fallen so completely for someone that just being near them drives you crazy? How can she expect to keep me close like that, knowing how much we care for each other and not expect me to ever want to act on those feelings? I'd do anything for her but I don't think I'm capable of that. Being close but not close enough would be excruciating. And being held at a distance would destroy me. I either need to be with her or without her. That's the only choice. I didn't say anything but I think the look I gave her said what a thousand words couldn't. I watched her searching face and then she suddenly burst out, "Joey, I like men, okay? I have always liked men and I've never felt like this before!" I couldn't quite believe what she was saying to me. I had to ask her. I stared into her face, at her eyes and her mouth and suddenly I realised that she was going to admit that she liked me. I watched her swallow and fumble in her mind about how to express herself. Then she leant forward and kissed me.

The kiss only lasted for a few seconds but they were a couple of incredible seconds. It was actually me that pulled back. I was in shock. I couldn't believe that the most beautiful woman on the planet had actually kissed me. Me! Joey Collins. I may be utterly confused about the whole thing, especially with how we've left it but I swear, just thinking about it makes me tingle. I could probably write an epic poem about her lips. But I won't. Once we'd parted, I just stared at her. And she stared at me. She looked as overwhelmed as I did. And then we came together again. I don't think I'll ever forget the feel of her mouth against mine or her hands in my hair. The passion between us took my breath away and her touch, her body pressed against mine so tenderly but so firmly is something that, no matter what she says tomorrow, will be replayed in my head many, many times. It was tender, it was gentle, it got deeper than just lips pressing together chastely and it was full of emotion. It was the best kiss I've ever had.

When we parted though, Charlie looked so fragile. She didn't know where to look or what to do. Finally, her eyes rested on my face and she pleaded with me to come home. What choice did I have? I couldn't walk out if there was a tiny possibility that we could do that again. And I so desperately want to do that again. We carried my bags to her little, blue car and she drove us home in awkward silence. She couldn't even look at me. I know she was driving but nobody concentrates on the road that hard. When we got into the house, Leah was just taking some water up to bed. I put my stuff in Charlie's room. She said she'd bunk in with Ruby again. She's completely closed up. All the passion that I'd experienced twenty minutes before had been covered over as if it had never been there. She didn't want to communicate. I found myself wondering why I'd even bothered to come back and why she'd even bothered to ask me. I wanted to talk and she pleaded with me to discuss it tomorrow. She says she doesn't know where the kiss came from. I guess it did take us both by surprise. I mean, I know there are feelings but really, the last thing I expected was for her to kiss me.

I probably need to sleep. Today has been one of the longest days of my life. I need to rest and learn some patience. I need to remember exactly how hard it is to accept and understand when you first realise that you have feelings for someone of the same gender as you. It can feel like the end of the world. Just because I'm more or less over it, and largely, ironically, that's been because of Charlie, it doesn't mean she's in the same space as me. She is _definitely _not in the same space as me. I need to stop being angry and frustrated with her. I need to patient, calm and receptive to whatever she has to say. But she needs to be willing to say something, anything. And maybe eventually I'll be able to process the other thing that happened today too.


	14. Chapter 14

_I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has given me feedback, selected this as a favourite story or me as a favourite author, or chosen to be notified when I update the story (and apologies for messed about with chapters yesterday – all sorted now – woohoo!) I really appreciate all the lovely feedback and everything I have received and it's really encouraged me to keep writing. Thank you so much and I hope you enjoy the next instalment._

_xxx_

**Chapter Fourteen: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Monday 30****th**** March 2009**

**00:34**

Sometimes I could kick myself. Hard. For someone who prides herself on being reasonable, I really do make the most spontaneous, badly-thought-out decisions in the world. And they're not small things. They're big things. They're things that could change my life, who I am and have a knock-on effect for the people around me.

I kissed Joey. On Friday, I was freaking out because I _nearly_ kissed her but obviously that wasn't enough for me. I had to take it even further than that. I had to press her beautiful mouth against mine in a big, lesbian kiss. And once wasn't even enough! After the shock of kissing each other, we had to come back together again just to make sure. And we did it with even more gusto than the first time. And with tongues! I kissed a girl. I crushed my lips against hers. I opened my mouth the moment I felt her tongue seek entry. I pulled her close to me. My heart pounded against her chest because our bodies were pressed together that tightly. I ran my fingers through her hair. I held her. I wanted her. And the most mortifying thing about it is that I got more from that short kiss than I've ever got from any interaction with a man. I don't understand what's happening to me. I'm so beyond confused that it's not even funny.

Ugh, Ruby is complaining about the lamp being on. I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow so I guess I'd better try and sleep.

**Monday 30****th**** March 2009**

**03:29**

I couldn't sleep so now I'm sitting at the kitchen table writing and hoping, hoping, hoping that Joey doesn't suddenly need a glass of water or anything. I can't speak to her right now. I've requested that we talk about it tomorrow. It's too much for me. I need to understand my feelings within my own heart before I even begin to try and express them to her. And that's for her as much as me. She went through hell today. She nearly died. She was nearly murdered. She's pretending like she doesn't care but it's going to hit her at some point. I can't believe I nearly lost her. I think maybe that's where the kiss came from. We went through all that trauma and then she was going to skip town and abandon me and I so desperately wanted to keep her. So, if it was the thought of never seeing her again, maybe I don't feel anything more than friendship for her after all? Maybe I just got carried away. But then, if that's true, why would I have felt all those feelings before Robbo kidnapped her? And why would I have enjoyed the kiss so much? And why would such a big part of me just want to burst into her room, climb into her bed and kiss her again?

The day started with a stress headache. I got up, showered and dressed and as usual, couldn't get Joey out of my head. Ruby was up and about but we were both under the impression that Joey was still asleep. It wasn't like her to not be awake. Before all of this, she was always up and ready to see me off to work. And on Saturday morning, she hung around trying to get me to talk to her before I left but I wouldn't so I assumed it would be the same today. But she was nowhere to be seen. Ruby was contemplating gorging on the leftovers of the meal from the night before. I was surprised by exactly how much effort Joey had gone to and felt even worse about ditching her in favour of Hugo. I decided to do the right thing and knock on her door. I took a deep breath, raised my hand and then my phone rang. And that's what changed the course of the day really.

I was called to a hit and run and the victim turned out to be Tanya, Robbo's ex-girlfriend. The crash started a spiral of uncontrollable events and I felt so out of my depth all day. Robbo was one step ahead of us until it was almost too late. I nearly lost someone who has become as important to me as a member of my own family. If only I had managed to knock on Joey's door that morning. Perhaps I would have figured out much earlier that she was missing and I could have saved her from her ordeal. But then, I guess you can't live a life of 'what ifs'. One of the 'what ifs that I feel really terrible about it is, what if I hadn't been so damn distracted with everything else that I'd noticed Tanya's AVO request on my desk and pushed it through. Then maybe she would be in hospital fighting for her life right now. I can't even begin to process my guilt about that. So, as usual, I'll ignore it.

After identifying Tanya, I raced home, freaked Ruby out, ran into Joey's room and found that she'd left nothing but a note explaining that dinner (the one I hadn't bothered to show up for) was her way of saying thank you and goodbye and that she needed to stand on her own two feet. I basically spent the whole day racing around trying to find her and accidentally let slip to Watson that Joey's been staying with me. Aden provided a breakthrough when he came to the station and told me that he thought he'd seen Robbo following Joey and that she had her bags packed. I interrogate Brett and projected all my guilt and frustration about my own actions onto him and blamed him for whatever might have happened to Joey. He blamed me because I was meant to be looking after her. And he's right. I _was _meant to be looking after her and I _did _let her down.

We finally got a breakthrough and located a hotel that Joey had booked with her credit card. We arrived with backup, just in time. Robbo was trying to drown Joey in the bath. She was lying there in the cold water with tape over her mouth and he was holding her head under. She wasn't even struggling. She was barely conscious. He ran past me and I let him go. I knew there were other officers who would grab him but to be perfectly honest, even if it meant never catching up with him again, I would have let him pass me. All I could focus on was rescuing Joey. My Joey. I pulled her up out of the water and removed the tape, holding her close and encouraging her to breathe. She was like a little broken doll in my arms, pale and lifeless. She was freezing and could barely open her eyes. I was so frightened that she was going to slip away.

The next hour just passed in a strange blur. I eased Joey out of the bath. She was confused and shaking both from fright and cold and we ended up just sitting on the bathroom floor, leaning against the bath, both in tears for about twenty minutes. I hugged her tightly and tried to keep her warm and make her feel safe again. She couldn't speak. She could barely focus. I just kept whispering that she was safe. I kissed the top of her head several times and kept her closer until other officers came in to check on us. When she was more coherent, I gave her space to dry off and change clothes and then I took her with me to the station. We didn't speak. I'm not sure she could.

I took on Robbo's interview and I gave him hell. By the time I finished, Joey had convinced my colleagues to drive her back to the hell. Furious, I raced after her and found her packing up, ready to skip town as originally planned. Watching her folding her clothes away and talking to me like she didn't care anymore was excruciating. I couldn't bear it and I hated what we'd done to our relationship. Friendship. Relationship. I don't know what on earth it is Joey and I have but it means the world to me and I can't bear to lose it. Maybe I thought that by kissing her, I could save us. In an ideal world I know that I'd have Joey as my best friend, I'd retain the thrills that go through me (and her) every time we touch or look at each other but we'd never be in a position to take it further and complicate things. A line has to be drawn somewhere. But tonight, I crossed it. And I can't promise myself that I won't cross it again or that I even really regret crossing it. I mean, what do you do when you fall for the wrong person? Have I even fallen for her? I have never, ever felt this way about a woman before. Am I just responding to her feelings for me? Is it just because men have never been able to offer me what I want from them? And why can't they offer me what I want? Is it because I want women? If so, why have I never realised this before? Do I want women (plural) or is just Joey that's stolen my heart? There are just too many questions in my head that I have no way of answering.

In the hotel room we had this charged conversation. She'd closed herself off to me, as if engaging would make her change her mind. So I desperately tried to make her talk because I needed her to change her mind. I stayed with my outwardly unerring belief that she'd picked up false signals but unlike yesterday, she didn't let me get away with it. She told me that the signals were not false at all. And she's right. Retrospectively, even though I wasn't aware of it, I've been flirting outrageously with Joey since she moved in. I tried to make her realise exactly what happened to her today but she wasn't interested in that either. I begged her to stay and asked why we couldn't just be friends, which was possibly the wrong thing to say judging by how she looked at me. She told me that she couldn't be around me anymore because it was too hard and too confusing. The emotion in her voice caught me off guard and before I knew what was happening, I was stepping forward and blurting out that I'd never felt 'like this' before because I'd only ever liked men. Joey being Joey, she challenged me. I struggled to find the words to explain what I meant but I couldn't find them. So I kissed her. She actually looked more startled than I did. And then we kissed again on more equal terms and I'm not even sure I could do it justice if I described how incredible it was. For however long we were kissing, I was elevated to a perfect state of bliss. It didn't matter that we were both women. It didn't matter what work, or my Dad, or Ruby or my friends would think of me. It didn't matter what I thought about myself. What it meant for my life and my identity was utterly irrelevant. In that moment, all there was, was Joey and I and it was beautiful. I never wanted it to end.

But it did end. We came crashing back down to earth. My fears overtook me and I didn't know what to do next. I was so embarrassed and so aware that she was studying my every move and facial expression. I pleaded with her one more time to come home and she agreed surprisingly easily, despite the look of confusion on her face. My bewilderment stole my voice and I literally didn't speak to her again until we got home. It was the most awkward drive of my life! We bumped into Leah when we arrived and I was glad she was off to bed because I wasn't in the mood for polite conversation. Joey put her bags in my room and then asked me if we could talk but I didn't want to. I have to process all of this. I need to take a step back. I have to figure out who I am and I have to do it alone. I need distance from this whole thing and from Joey. The only problem with that is that every time I close my eyes, I'm back in that hotel room kissing her again and I don't want to leave.

**Tuesday 31****st**** March 2009**

**13:08**

The emotional hangover from yesterday is wearing very heavily on me. It's only lunch time and I'm already pretty much ready to curl up and cry myself to sleep. I hardly got a wink of sleep last night in the end and I was up pretty early this morning. Yesterday meant that there was a tonne of follow-up work to do and I wanted to get onto it straight away so as not to make a single mistake that might jeopardise justice for Joey and Tanya. Also, I couldn't face seeing Joey. My head is still cloudy.

I wasn't expecting Joey to be awake for hours but typically, she was up and about before I left. She didn't look like she'd slept well either. I can imagine that she and I were probably both up at the same time last night, sitting alone and confused in the same house. Perhaps we should have talked last night after all. No. I still don't know what to say to her. Leah was kind to her and I was glad to be leaving her in safe hands. Joey's comment about thinking about 'everything that happened last night' with a pointed look did not go unnoticed by me. Fortunately it did by Leah.

When I turned to leave, she followed me out of the house and asked me if we could have lunch. I said yes and at the time I meant it but when it came to eating, I still hadn't cleared my head so I just popped to the Diner, grabbed something small and ate while I worked. I hope she never finds out about it. While I was there, Leah and Colleen were both commenting about what a good friend I'd been to Joey. If only they knew how wrong I've done by her. I'm the worst friend in the world. I make her feel guilty when she hasn't even done anything. She's probably sitting at home now, sad, scared and alone and at least part of that is down to me. Yesterday, she went through a massive trauma, on top of what she's already been through and by the hands of the same person and here's me, kissing her and messing her around. What kind of person does that make me? I shouldn't be messing with her head. I should be there supporting her and being a good, kind friend. How on earth did all of this get so complicated?

I saw Robbo today actually. There's been a hold up about getting him into custody. He made some slimy comment about me giving Joey mouth to mouth. How can a creep like that be so perceptive about something so personal? Are Joey and I that obvious? Do other people realise that something is going on between us too? I hope not! I'd be mortified if anyone knew about any of this. What would they think of me?

Leah's cooking a special 'cheer up Joey' meal tonight and I don't know how I'm going to get through it. There's a very convincing part of me that feels compelled to stand up, rush home, sweep Joey off her feet, kiss her with even more passion than last night, make love to her and be with her in a committed, loving relationship. But I can't do that. I can't cope with that. The gutless part of me won't let me. What if what I'm feeling isn't real and I end up hurting her? What does it even mean that I'm sitting here imaging sex with a woman? What would people say if they found out? It's too much. I really wish I could clear the deluge in my mind – for my sake and Joey's. She doesn't deserve any of this.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Tuesday 31****st**** March 2009**

**6:21pm**

I can't breathe and I can't stop crying. And I've got forty minutes to fix my face, dry my tears and sit down to dinner with Leah, VJ, Ruby and Charlie. It'll be the last time I see Charlie for a while. She said she's taking the rest of the week off work to go and visit her Dad in order to clear her head. She means that she's going away to get away from me. Way to go Joey, you've driven her out of her own home. Well done! But the thing is, if Charlie is so desperate to get away from me, why was she so intent on bringing me back here in the first place? I don't understand why she didn't let me go when I wanted to?

I hardly slept last night and every time I dropped off, all I could see was Robbo's face or else I dreamt that I was submerged in water and I woke up in a panic. I got up as soon as I heard people in the kitchen and I caught Charlie trying to sneak out to work without seeing me. It felt so familiar to have her avoiding me. Things really haven't been the same between us since that boat trip. I followed her outside and begged her to meet me for lunch. She agreed but then she blew me out. I stayed at home pretty much all day, waiting for her to call and afraid to leave the house, even though I knew (or thought I knew) that Robbo was in jail. I just couldn't bear to be outside. Summer Bay is a pretty small town and everyone knows everyone's business. I couldn't handle the looks and whispers. But with Charlie not calling me and my patience wearing thin, I finally plucked up the courage to go and visit her at work.

Charlie wasn't terribly pleased to see me but I remained firm that we had to talk. She lied to my face and said she meant to ring but that she'd been too busy to take a break. Her left over lunch lay on her desk. She was anxious about her open door and practically begged me not to talk about what happened while she was at work but I was adamant that she wasn't going to keep pushing me away. I'd been trapped at home alone all day with nothing but my thoughts for company. I boldly reminded her that it had been her that kissed me the night before. She looked horrified that I'd said the words out loud and very quickly promised to come home straight after work so that we could talk about it. The panic on her face made me believe her. Satisfied, I let her guide me out of the office but my blood turned cold when we saw Robbo at the reception desk. He yelled something out about us being a 'happy couple'. I felt Charlie tense and we both tried not to react. I asked why he was still hanging around. She said something about a hold up and took me outside. I didn't want to be near him any longer than I had to.

I practically ran out of the building and ended up just walking randomly around for several hours. I wandered round the beach for a while, enjoying the solitude and the fresh air. Charlie was already home when I got back. She must have knocked off early. I found her in her and Ruby's room sorting out some laundry. I was nervous about seeing her. We've got to the point where I really have no idea what to expect from her anymore. She looked as beautiful as ever but tired and deflated at the same time, like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She'd stopped folding when I came in but couldn't let go of an item of clothing and was nervously playing with it and didn't seem able to talk so I started the conversation with an apology. During my walk I'd done a lot of thinking and I realise now that I've projected a lot of my feelings on her. In my head, Robbo is the epitome of evil and Charlie is the epitome of good. That's quite a pedestal to be on. It's a lot of pressure to be under. I think I've probably focussed a lot harder on her than I might otherwise have done, if all the other stuff hadn't been happening. She's helped me forget about all my pain and grief but really, I don't think I have forgotten it. I think she just allowed me to pretend I had. So I apologised for the pressure and she excused it.

Then I asked her to tell me what she was feeling. Really, in all of this, that's all I've ever wanted to know. She told me very early on that she 'doesn't do feelings'. She holds them in and doesn't share them and I didn't appreciate until very recently just how annoying that is. But then, until recently she did share them with me; because until recently, they weren't about me. But now they are and I really need her to let me in. She told me she didn't know herself what she felt and that's why she was avoiding the issue. So I blurted out that I loved her. She looked worried. I probably looked worried too! I felt worried. It's kind of a big deal to put your heart out there like that, especially with someone who was more than likely to break it. But it was a risk I had to take. I then took it one step further and wondered aloud if she might love me too. The fact that she didn't say no gave and continues to give me hope. She told me that she's confused because everything she assumed she knew about herself has been called into question now. And there are wider consequences of being attracted to me. It's not as simple as just saying yes or no.

I'd been standing this whole time but encouraged, I came and sat on the bed. I wanted her to talk to me. I wanted us to work it out together. She'd helped me come to terms with my sexuality once and for all and I wanted to be there to support her too. If anyone would understand, surely it would be me? But she said I couldn't help because she can't think clearly around me. Apparently it seems like she's two different people. When she's with me she's attracted to me and when she's not with me, she can convince herself that our kiss was just a heat of the moment thing. I can't help thinking that if, around me, there's an overwhelming attraction, that this is surely the answer but she keeps insisting that it's not that simple. We ended up chasing our tails a little bit because she didn't really have a solution and I didn't really understand why she couldn't just abandon her fears and give into the fact that we're meant to be together. But I tried to be gentle with her, especially when it became obvious that she was fighting tears. I've only seen her cry once before and that was when she rescued me from drowning. I don't really remember it very clearly. I just remember being held and a vague sound of her sobbing but it was muted, like she or I were very far away from each other. The only reason I knew we weren't was because I could feel her chest heaving against my back.

She starting thinking aloud, panicking that she only liked me in response to my feelings for her. But I think she fell for me at the same time so I don't believe that's true. She looked so vulnerable when she said, "It's nice to be loved." It took all my willpower not to reach out and hold her. She was concerned that it might be because she'd had bad experiences with men and then apologised. I'm not sure whether she felt bad because of my bad experience with Robbo or because well, it's not exactly what a girl wants to hear but either way, I didn't mind. I just cared about the fact that she was talking to me. All I've wanted was communication from her and I was pleased that she was finally letting me in, even if her heart wasn't full of roses and kittens.

I offered to give her some space and move out for a while. The fact that she'd admitted to having feelings, even feelings she desperately wanted to deny, has given me some hope. Right now, I'll pretty much do anything she needs me to in order to one day be able to have her in my life the way I desire. That's when she told me she was going away to see her Dad. Part of me broke inside. I was happy to move out because then at least I had the chance of being able to see her. I could possibly accidentally-on-purpose bump in her in the Diner or the Surf Club sometimes or we could arrange to meet on occasion. But if she's going away, that's an excruciating number of days without any contact at all. It's going to be hell. But I swallowed my feelings and accepted them. I told her that I'll miss her. Never a truer word has been spoken. Then I leant across the bed to kiss her cheek but she backed away and asked me not to. She may as well have slapped my face. I left. Now it's approaching seven o'clock and I've got to face dinner with all of them and try and deal with the fact that she's leaving me and while she might come back in body, she might be gone forever in spirit.

**Tuesday 31****st**** March 2009**

**9:41pm**

Charlie and Ruby just left to go and see their Dad and step-mother. Leah cooked us all a meal and I hope I was sufficiently cheerful, considering she made it to try and make me happy. Charlie and I sat beside each other and we were nice. I don't feel resentful or anything. I just feel sad and confused. And so does she. But we all got along nicely and VJ made us all laugh as he usually does. The meal was delicious. Charlie escaped as soon as she could, saying she had to pack. Ruby needed to pack too, although this wasn't an excuse. VJ scampered off to play video games while I helped Leah clear up. Then I went to my room and stayed there, wondering if Charlie would even say goodbye to me.

At quarter past nine, there was a quiet knock on my door. I opened up and she slipped inside saying she needed to get a few things she'd left in here. I sat on the bed while she rummaged through a couple of drawers. She put them down and then sat beside me on the bed. She told me that she would miss me too. I tried not to cry. She hugged me and held on for a really long time. I let myself hang around her neck and desperately resisted the urge to beg her to stay. Eventually we parted and she headed toward the door. I followed and stood with Leah and VJ as we waved Charlie and Ruby off at the car. How am I going to cope without her?

**Friday 3****rd**** April 2009**

**2:27pm**

I've been feeling really strange since Charlie's been gone. Leah's been in a very positive mood. She's started seeing Roman, although it's all a bit hush-hush and she's panicking about telling Charlie because he's her ex-boyfriend. I don't know how she'll react. It's probably the last thing she needs to hear at the moment on top of everything else and I'm definitely not nominating myself to be the person to tell her. That's Leah's lookout. But for now, Leah's bouncing around the place in delight and it's nice to see. You can't help but have your mood elevated around her right now!

It's been pretty hard to resist the temptation not to call or text Charlie. I've been missing her beautiful face so much but I've had to very firmly remind myself that she really, really doesn't want me to get in touch with her. The whole point of going away is to clear her head and probably to forget about me. I live in hope that she'll come home and realise that she can't live without me and want to give the world the finger, sweep me up in her loving arms and kiss me. But I have this horrible sinking feeling that this dream really isn't going to come into fruition.

I had to go and see my lawyer today. It was the first meeting I gone to with her without Charlie escorting me there. It was hard because I had to go through everything that happened on the day that Robbo abducted me. Again. I had to go through it with the police that night too. I had to do it alone then as well. I think that was one of the things that hurt so much. Charlie rescued me from the bath. She held me. She broke down. But once we got to the police station, she left me. She wasn't there. Then she came to find me. We kissed and then, once again, she left me and now I'm all alone. And I've had to go through all the days and this meeting without her there. And I need her. I was nearly murdered and I'm dealing with it alone. She promised she'd stand by me through everything from start to finish but she abandoned me partway through.

But now that I've talked about what Robbo did in depth with my lawyer, I think I might be able to start writing it down in here. So here goes...

I left Brett's house in the morning with all my worldly possessions. Little did I know, Robbo was tracking me. All I was aware of was my broken heart and my mission to get away from Charlie. The plan was to spend a night in a hotel, lick my wounds and then figure out what to do and where to go. I hadn't really planned much more than that. I spent the morning attempting to settle in. I unpacked properly, putting my things in place and attempting to make the dingy little room seem as homely as possible. I exited the room briefly and when I came back in, Robbo was behind the door. He grabbed me round the waist and covered my mouth to stop me from screaming. 'Frightened' doesn't even cover what I was feeling. A wave of nausea and panic overcame me and I did everything I could to fight him off. But just like last time, I achieved nothing. All I managed was to knock a couple of things off a table. He kept on talking to me conversationally while he taped up my hands, feet and mouth. He'd behaved the same way before, as if doing something like this wasn't really a big deal. My body was rigid to the point that the knot in my stomach was causing pain and I was trying desperately not to cry. He laid me down on my side on the bed and all I could see were images of what he'd done to me the first time. At that point I would have preferred him to kill me than to rape me again. Maybe that's why, when Charlie was going on about how close I came to dying, I didn't really care as much as I should have. Then he picked me up and carried me to the bathroom. I tried to scream but the tape over my mouth was too tight. He was so full of himself.

I had to lie there, restrained while he ran cold water into the tub and then he picked me up and put me in. It was freezing. I tried to cry out but I couldn't. I struggled but he was too strong for me. My legs flailed but hit nothing that would help me. Robbo's focus was keeping my head under and ensuring that I couldn't breathe. The last thing I saw before I started to drift away was his grinning face. The last thing I thought about was Charlie.

For a moment, I thought I was dead when she pulled me up out of the water. I thought I'd died and was experiencing what it would be like to have survived. But I quickly realised that I was in far too much pain for it to be any kind of happy afterlife. And if it was some kind of hell, Charlie wouldn't have been there. The next half an hour or so is a bit of a blur. I remember her holding me in the water, clutching at me and pulling the tape off my mouth, telling me that everything was okay, that she was there now and encouraging me to breathe. She eased me out of the tub and sat with me on the floor, holding me close, sobbing and kissing the top of my head.

So, that's it really. Once again, I let Robbo take me over. I just hope to God that he gets put away for what he did to me and that Tanya girl. My lawyer told me that he's been refused bail. I'm glad. It makes me feel safer. He never deserves to see the outside world again.

**Saturday 4****th**** April 2009**

**8:59pm**

Leah's stressed because VJ hasn't reacted well to her dating Roman. He won't speak to her. He asked me to ask her to pass him the cereal this morning.

I screamed the house down after a nightmare last night. Leah rushed in to see if I was alright and ended up having to make me a hot chocolate and sit up with me for half an hour until I'd calmed down. Perhaps writing about Robbo wasn't the greatest idea I'd ever had. I feel really bad about disturbing Leah's sleep, although she was really kind about it.

Charlie and Ruby are due back on Monday. Neither of them has been in touch. I miss Charlie.

**Sunday 5****th**** April 2009**

**11:38pm**

I saw Aden on the beach looking particularly stressed out. I went over and said hi but he didn't seem to want to talk. Charlie and Ruby are home tomorrow. I'm existing on nervous energy. VJ still won't talk to Leah. I was nightmare free last night, thank goodness.

**Monday 6****th**** April 2009**

**4:19pm**

Ruby came home without Charlie. I'm devastated. If she decided to stay one more day, surely that means she didn't want to come home to me?

I hung out with Leah in the morning and tried to cheer her up about VJ who's been a bit of a brat over the weekend. He wants Roman to be his friend, not hers. She didn't say anything but I think she's also a little nervous about Charlie's response to her and Roman too, considering she's Charlie's housemate and Roman's her ex. Charlie's talked to me at length about Roman. I know she was really cut up about it when he dumped her. Maybe it's jealousy and the lesbian in me coming out but honestly, I don't see what all the fuss is about. And from what I can tell, he didn't treat her that nicely. She deserves better. If Charlie chose me, I'd give her everything she wanted and more. She told me a while ago about how she'd hit the self-destruct button when Roman had ended it because she'd been really into him and how furious she'd been when she'd nearly drowned and he'd been the one to save him. She actually made me laugh that day because she'd been so busy ranting about the fact that Roman had saved her life, she'd completely missed out the fact that she'd nearly died saving Annie from a storm drain. She's a hero and she doesn't even realise it. She's a lot of things she doesn't even realise.

Ruby came home alone while I was talking to Leah. I had to rush out to hide my disappointment. I wound up at the Diner and ended up hanging up with Aden for a while. He got a call from Annie who said Belle was sick but he wouldn't go. I asked him if was alright but again, he didn't want to talk. I didn't pressure him but he seemed extremely stressed and very un-Aden-like. Then he started talking randomly about his Dad being an alcoholic. I can empathise with messed up fathers. I just let him talk. He obviously needed to offload. I hoped it helped. I don't know if it did.

I'd been really looking forward today being the day that I got to see Charlie and finally learning how she felt about me but I guess it's not to be. I'll have to wait and hope that she shows tomorrow.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Tuesday 31****st**** March 2009**

**18:03**

Well, Joey and I had 'the talk' and now I'm in floods of tears and if the way she left the room is anything to go by, I doubt she's faring much better than me. And we still have Leah's 'family dinner' to endure together too. Joy.

I knocked off work early to speak to Joey. I figured I wasn't actually getting any work done anyway so I may as well. She wasn't home when I got in so I tried to occupy myself with laundry. I'd already decided by that point that I had to get away so I started organising my stuff but made sure I didn't have a bag in sight or anything. I didn't want to upset Joey before I'd talked to her.

She got in not so long after me and came straight to my room. The conversation was emotional to say the least. All I wanted to do was take her into my arms and hold her. I wanted the world to stop turning, just for a moment so that I could do that and it wouldn't have any implications. I wanted us just to stop time for a few moments, cling on to each other, clear our heads and then move on and do the sensible thing. But I know it's impossible.

She urged me to tell her how I was feeling. I said I didn't know and that I was confused. So she told me how she was feeling. That's when she made it even harder than it already was. Joey told me that she's fallen in love with me. I'm torn between feeling so honoured that someone as incredible as her could fall for someone as messed up as me and being so devastated that she named what we have. Now that the word is out there, what do we do? It's just hanging there between us and I can't deal with it. And she took it further by suggesting that I love her too. And what's the worst thing about it? The fact that it's true. I do love her. But this journal is the only place I will ever reveal that. I cannot love her out loud. To tell Joey how I feel, to make it real would only make it worse for both of us.

She told me that she knew how she felt when we were on the boat. I guess that's when I knew too. Looking back, my feelings started way back when Joey first moved in. I mean, there must have been _something_ between us before that, although I don't think either of us had any idea what it was. There was just an overwhelming connection and it's grown and grown to... to this. I tried to explain where I was coming from, that it wasn't about just having feelings for her or not, that there are consequences and repercussions that I can't get my head around. She wanted us to work it out together. I guess, having been there, she thought she could help me. But she can't. Being around Joey drives me crazy in a way that I can't even explain. When she's in the room, it's like everything fades away. All I can see is her. All I can think about is her. I can't think clearly when she's near me. She makes my head spin, my skin tingle... All my senses are heightened just looking at her across the dinner table. I'm enthralled by everything about her. How can I then work any of this out while I'm seeing her every day? How can I expect her to help me decipher all the jumble my thoughts are in? That's why I need to go away. I need to figure this out alone.

Joey was pretty persuasive. She desperately wanted me to give into my feelings and it was so tempting to agree but I remained firm. She finally accepted that I needed space and offered to move out for a while. That's when I said I was going to visit Dad for a few days. I was fighting tears by this point and she didn't look like she was far behind me. She told me that she'd miss me and then she leant over to kiss my cheek. It was a simple gesture. It wasn't a sexual one. But I had to push her away. I know that if she'd made contact with my skin I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from turning my head and allowing my lips to make contact with hers. And then I would have defeated the whole point of the conversation. That's why I need to not have her near me right now, even though it's going to hurt both of us so much.

**Monday 6****th**** April 2009**

**18:15**

I just dropped Ruby at the bus stop to go home. I've decided to stay with Dad and Morag for one more day. I'm not ready to go back and face the music yet. I haven't cleared my head at all. I can picture Joey's face now when Ruby wanders back in, oblivious to the pain my absence is going to cause. I hate to think of hurting Joey even more than I already have done but I can't handle seeing her yet. I think I've reached a decision about all of this and she isn't going to like it.

The week has been so tough. Dad is much worse than the last time I saw him. He's coping but his memory is deteriorating and his mood is low at times. Sometimes he's just fine and other times he can hardly recognise us to the point that we can hardly recognise him and it breaks my heart and Ruby's both. I don't understand how Morag deals with it every day. I'm comforted only by the fact that he has care here from people who know exactly what they're doing and that he's in an entirely safe environment where he won't come to any harm. He did the right and sensible thing by leaving Summer Bay. On the plus side, at least he doesn't know that his daughter's turning into... whatever his daughter's turning into.

Ruby was full of questions on our trip. She knew that something was bothering me all week and I know I was distracted but I couldn't tell her about Joey. Part of me wanted to share all that had happened but deep down, I knew I couldn't. I can't tell anyone about it. It's too scary. It's too much. I can't admit that I have feelings - deep, potentially loving feelings for another woman. How can I? No, I can't do that. This thing with Joey runs deeper than anything I have ever felt with anyone before – deeper than my first boyfriend, the guy I dated while I was training, Roman, anyone. It's overpowering. But I won't be overpowered. I thought if I got away from it all, if I got away from her, I could forget about it but that hasn't happened. If anything, I've made it worse. Before, I could detach but this week, I've not been able to get Joey out of my head at all. She's been on my mind night and day, waking or sleeping. But just because the feelings are there and they're strong, it doesn't mean I have to act on them. It doesn't mean I have to give into lust or love or whatever it is that's coursing through my body and my soul. I don't want to be gay or bisexual or however I might class myself now. I don't want that for myself. I don't want a relationship with her and all the junk that will go with that. If being with her didn't have so many consequences, sure, I might jump in feet first like I normally do but it does so I'm not going there. I can't go there. And tomorrow, I'm going to have to drive home, take a deep breath, tell her and hope that we can still be part of each others' lives. I just hope to God she won't hate me. I couldn't bear to lose her just because I can't love her the way she wants me to. I hope to God that there's a way to work around this but it feels like the epitome of impossible.

Well, I have to go and start making dinner for Dad and Morag. I said I'd do it as a special goodbye thing.

**Wednesday 8****th**** April 2009**

**19:54**

It's over. She hates me. I've broken her heart and I've broken my own. Sitting here now and picturing Joey's face when I told her I couldn't be with her, I forget why that decision made so much sense to me. This entire situation is, as my grandmother used to say, 'utter pantaloons'. Ugh, I can't even make jokes. I can't even write about what happened. Everything in my world is spinning out of control and I've now probably lost the best thing that ever happened to me. And I've probably lost her forever. I'm going to bed. No, on second thoughts, I'm going out for a beer or several.

**Thursday 9****th**** April 2009**

**01:04**

Okay, I've drunk slightly too much, I'm in a terrible mood and the beer has loosened my tongue sufficiently well that I think I can write about Joey in here openly and honestly. And quite frankly, if I don't keep myself occupied, all I'm going to do is lie in bed and drive myself crazy, until I get up, run all the way to Joey's and declare my undying love for her. So, this may be a pretty long entry.

I got home on Tuesday night and she was out of her room before I'd even put my bag down. Leah was out on a date with Roman. It turns out they'd been seeing each other. Joey told me awkwardly about it before I left to see them at the hospital (they were in an accident that night... another long story). Leah thought I'd mind. I don't. So much has happened since my Roman days. It's almost amusing to think of Leah fretting about me minding them being together when my head is full of falling for a woman. All the way home, I'd been telling myself repeatedly that I was doing the right thing but my resolve dissolved the moment I saw her beautiful face. All I wanted to do was hold her. She looked so cute, standing there looking up at me so hopefully, hands shoved her pockets, so earnest. It was like the rest of her life was hanging on my next word. She was desperate for my answer. I realised that all I'd thought about that week was the hell I'd been going through. I hadn't spared a thought for what she must have been suffering, hanging around my house, in my room, with my things, all by herself. I kept stalling but she was insistent. She said that either I loved her or I didn't, simple as that. How I wish it was really as simple as that. I do love her. I know I love her. But I can't sacrifice everything I am and everything I have in order to be with her. There's too much at stake here. She begged me to put her out of her misery and she stroked my hair. I felt this thrill go through me. Every time she touches me, that happens. It has done for weeks – way before I was willing to admit that I felt anything for her. I remember at the Surf Club when I found Hugo hitting on her, she touched my leg and I jumped up like I'd been shot because she just made me tingle. I was almost glad that the phone rang while we were standing there so close, with her hand in my hair because I was fighting the urge to pull her towards me, wrap my arms around her, tell her I loved her and then kiss her. I still want to go and find her now. She's moved back in with her brother. She was so hurt and so cold towards me when she left. I can't believe this has happened to us.

Anyway, we did get interrupted. Leah and Roman had been in an accident and had to go to hospital. I spent most of today investigating and it looks like some school kid – likely a boy called Trey, threw a rock at their car with a sling shot. Leah's fine but Roman's unconscious. Nicole was in a state. I felt terrible leaving Joey but she understood. I went to get Ruby and we rushed to the hospital. Joey was in bed by the time I got home. I saw her briefly in the morning. As usual, she was up before I left but for once I was genuinely hurrying through the door and heading to work to investigate what happened. I basically spent the whole morning working and then tried to have lunch with Ruby but she was rushing off to see Xavier. She seemed to feel guilty and suggested Joey as alternative company. If only she knew! She commented about being worried about me and that I hadn't been myself for a while. I assured her that I was fine but I think I over emphasised in that way that people do when they're really, really not fine. But I decided to bite the bullet. I did go and see Joey. And now it feels like my life is over.

I brought back some lunch from the Diner for both of us. I hoped that maybe it would make it friendlier and less intense, although we never got to the eating part. When I got back, Joey was vacuuming. That girl never stops doing the housework. I've hardly lifted a finger since she moved in. She's like a little house-cleaning fairy. I stood, observing her for a few moments. I couldn't help myself. She's just so... I'm not even going to go there. She noticed me when I stepped further into the room and we started sorting lunch out but before I'd ever organised the plates we'd started talking about the difficult stuff. I told her how I'd gone away to forget about the fact that I was attracted to her but that I hadn't been able to stop thinking about her all week. She looked so hopeful that I was going to tell her we could be together. It broke me. She said, "So I was right? You love me too?" I couldn't say the L Word, as much I was feeling it, so I admitted to strong feelings. But then I said that I couldn't act on them. The look of heartbreak on her face is an image I'll never forget. She tried to say 'oh' but the words didn't come out. Then she asked why and it came out in this little squeak. She didn't cry. I did. You would have thought it would be the other way around. I explained that even being gay was part of who I am, I have the choice not to act on it. And I'm not going to. I can't. I don't have any idea who or what I am. I don't think I can be gay because I've had and enjoyed relationships and sex with men. Maybe it's a bisexual thing. Maybe it's just a Joey thing. Who knows? Personally, I haven't got a clue. But whatever it is, I'm not going to figure it out. I don't want to go there. It's off limits. Maybe I'm a coward – I'm sure Joey thinks I am – but it's my choice and that's the decision I've made, even if it makes me unhappy.

Joey decided to move out. I burst into tears and begged her to stay but she was adamant, hurt and angry. I've never seen her so rigid and cold before. It was like everything I recognised in her, all the cuteness, the softness, was gone. She'd closed herself up and turned as hard as possible in order to shut me out. It stung. But I guess she needed to push me away. That's what people do. That's what I do all the time. It's the way we protect ourselves. It was such an awkward conversation. I needed to cling to her and she needed to kick me to the curb. She said she couldn't be around me anymore. I reached out to her but she didn't want physical contact. I understood and withdrew. I was horrified when she said she'd go back to Brett. I foolishly told her she couldn't be someone she wasn't. She coldly said, "Why not? _You_ can." I was asking for it. She stormed away to pack then.

I hung around in the kitchen for a while. I couldn't bear to listen to her packing up her stuff. I just sat at the table, staring at our uneaten lunch and sobbed. I heard her enter the kitchen, hover in the doorway and then leave again without saying anything. Then my phone rang and I had to go back to work. I was rushed off my feet all afternoon and then all evening, even though I'd technically knocked off and come home. I was on the phone when she left. It was a hectic situation. Work were hassling me, Ruby had a sudden burst of insight into who might be behind the accident and then Joey appeared with her bags. I begged her to wait but she said she had a cab waiting and left. She barely looked at me. I couldn't even beg her because I had my boss on the phone and Ruby standing their oblivious.

After I finally finished work, I didn't know what to do with myself. I attempted to write in here (obviously, because there's a prior paragraph) and then I hit the Surf Club. I just sat by myself in a world of my own quite miserably. Hugo came to say hi and asked me on another date. I quite swiftly turned him down. If I am going to be with anyone, it's going to be Joey. And as I'm not going to be with her, I'm going to be a sad old spinster for the rest of my life. Okay, maybe that's a little over dramatic. What I mean is, and what I told Hugo is, that I need to not be on the dating market for a little while. I'm just so damn confused about life, love and myself. I need to figure out who I am and what I want. If anything is going to happen or not happen, it needs to be right – for me and whoever it does or doesn't happen with. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to dive head first into another disaster. Of course, Hugo thought I was talking about him. He couldn't have been further from the truth. He's not even on the radar. Everything was about Joey. Everything has been about Joey for the last... well, it feels like forever. And it feels like it's going to be forever. He left pretty quickly. I moped for a little longer and now I'm home. I wonder what Joey's doing now. What are things like with Brett? Is he being nice to her? I'm tucked up in bed and I didn't bother to change the sheets she left. I've just been cuddling up to the duvet she used. It smells like her and it makes me feel like we're still close. I miss her. Have I just made a huge mistake? I love her so much.


	17. Chapter 17

_Thank you to everyone who has reviewed my story and encouraged me by your wonderful comments. So sorry that some of the reviews don't show on the page – I had to delete the fanfic and put it back up again. But everyone's whose comments are missing, have been read and appreciated greatly and stored in my inbox! xxx_

**Chapter Seventeen: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Tuesday 7****th**** April 2009**

**10:59pm**

I was up early and waited around pretty much all day for Charlie. I bugged the hell out of Ruby asking on more than one occasion if she knew what time she was planning to arrive home. I didn't want to invade her space by calling her, knowing that she probably delayed her return because she didn't want to see me. The fact that she hasn't come rushing into my arms doesn't really bode well but she didn't reject me either which gives me a glimmer of hope.

Leah had a date with Roman tonight so I stayed home to baby-sit VJ. It wasn't exactly a chore. I love hanging out with him. He's such a sweet kid. But I was distracted by waiting for Charlie and watched the clock as if it was the most fascinating thing on earth. Finally, one hour and forty seven minutes after VJ had been tucked up safely in bed, Charlie stepped through the door. I tried not to pounce on her straight away but my legs moved me into the living room to greet her before I got much say in the matter. I'd almost forgotten how beautiful she is. Almost. Even after a long drive she was radiant.

I was desperate for her to give me a straight (ha!) answer but she was evasive. My whole future happiness was riding on what she was about to tell me but she was still playing the avoidance game and it was really hard. I maintain that it's a simple yes or no answer. She either loves me or she doesn't. But she doesn't see it that way, which makes me think that she does love me but she's put all these dumb road blocks in the way and she's pretending that they're impossible to get over. I pretty much begged her to put me out of my misery and I stroked her hair. It felt so good to touch her again. I just wanted to take her into my arms and keep her there. Even if she was about to break my heart, it would have been nice to hold her for a while first. At least then, walking away, I'd have the memory. All I have is our first and only kiss but that's been tainted by how much she freaked over it. She didn't push my hand away when I reached for her, like she did when I'd attempted to kiss her goodbye before she left. I'm taking that as a good sign.

Before we could talk any further though, Leah called to say she'd been in an accident. Something or other hit the windscreen and while Leah's fine, Roman is badly injured. Charlie was really upset and I had to awkwardly warn her that Leah and Roman are an item. So much for staying out of that one! She didn't seem to care. I can't work out if it was because of us or because of the situation or both. I hope it was both. She rushed out to get Ruby and go to the hospital and they're not back yet. I'm half waiting up and half considering going to bed. I doubt Charlie's going to be in the mood for talking when she gets in anyway and I am pretty tired. Maybe tomorrow is the best time. And it means that if she's going to end things for good between us, at least I have one more night of fantasy.

**Wednesday 8****th**** April 2009**

**1:41pm**

Charlie left the house really early this morning. I was arriving in the kitchen just as she was running off. I couldn't have caught up with her if I'd tried. I guess she had to start on Roman and Leah's case and find out what caused the accident. I hope it was that anyway. I hope she's not just avoiding me again.

There was a stilted hustle and bustle this morning. Ruby left for school, wondering where Charlie was so I let her know she'd gone to work. Leah was getting ready to go and see Roman and VJ begged her to let him come too. I made sure she didn't have to worry about cleaning up the breakfast things. Considering they're letting me stay here for free, I really have no objection to doing chores and stuff, especially at a time like this. I mean, I'm contributing to bills and stuff but Leah isn't charging me any rent. I'm essentially living on their charity.

While I was cleaning up the kitchen, I got the shock of my life when Brett appeared. He was like I'd never seen him before, nervous and unsure – clumsy even. He apologised for handling the Robbo situation so atrociously. I focussed on making coffee for us. I didn't know what to say to him, where to look or how to be. Last time I saw him was so awful. He told me I was sick and threw me out my own home. It was strange having him there so sorrowful. He told me that he wanted me to come home and suggested we lease a boat and run it together. I admit the idea appealed to me. Working with boats is my idea of Heaven. Actually, my idea of Heaven is owning my own boat, running it by myself, taking to the seas and having Charlie on board as my beautiful lover. Of course, that's unlikely to happen. Anyway, Brett kept saying how Dad would have hated how he'd handled things. I pointed out that Robbo wasn't the only reason Brett and I fell out. He seemed to want to sweep the whole gay thing under the carpet. That's all well and good on paper but what if I end up with a girlfriend (please let it be Charlie!)? Then what? We couldn't sweep it under the carpet then. It would be real, solid. I don't think Brett would cope somehow.

It's an option to consider. But like I told Brett, I'm hoping that there might be another option for me. Obviously I didn't tell him what the option was, but I'm still clinging desperately to the hope that Charlie might walk in here and tell me that she loves me and wants to be with me. Then I'll have no need to go anywhere. I'm sure I could get a job locally. I could start my life over, wash myself clean of everything that happened with Robbo and be happy in Charlie's arms. All I need is for her to say yes. And if she doesn't, well then, I guess I'll just have to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and attempt to move on. Maybe then Brett's idea will be a good one. Regardless, I'm glad we've made up. Perhaps from here we can develop a relationship again.

Well, I've taken a long enough break from housework. I'd better get on. Next task – vacuuming.

**Thursday 9****th**** April 2009**

**2:04am**

Well, my first option fell through. I'm now tucked up in bed back at Brett's house and it's never felt less like home.

Charlie came back not long after I'd got stuck into the vacuuming and she'd brought some lunch for us from the Diner. As usual, she swore she hadn't been avoiding me this morning but for once I actually believed her. Then she just started talking. It was surprising not to have to beg her to open up. She told me how overwhelmed she felt about being attracted to another woman and how it had taken her by surprise. She told me she'd hoped that by spending time apart she'd be able to get over it but that she hadn't been able to stop thinking about me. I guess that's a good thing but it doesn't make the situation any easier now.

Charlie has 'strong feelings' for me but she's decided not to act on them. I'd like to say I understand where she's coming from but that would require some level of reasoning. Mostly there are just tears right now. Why can't she act on them? I know it's hard. I got thrown out of my house, disowned by my brother... I lost everything because of my sexuality. I know exactly how damn hard it is to accept it when there's a part of you that doesn't fit in with what society deems as normal. But at least Charlie wouldn't be alone. If only she'd be willing to open up and deal with the side of herself that has strong feelings for me then we could have worked it out together. We could be united. We could be happy.

But she's not willing. She stood there trying to explain, to make me understand but al I could think about was leaving. I told her I'd be gone by the time she got home from work and then I left the kitchen in order to pack. She chased after me, tearfully begging me to stay. I told her I couldn't and I stuck to my guns no matter what she said and no matter how much she cried. The only thing that could have changed my mind would have been if she told me she'd been an idiot and she did want me after all. But she didn't. She let me go. I told her I was going back to Brett's. She said I couldn't be someone I wasn't. Well, if that wasn't the most ridiculous thing she could have said at that moment, I don't know what is. It competes with "We can still be friends, can't we?" If she can deny herself then why can't I? I've been doing it this long. And to be honest, if I can't be with Charlie, I don't think I want to be with anyone.

So, now I'm home and back to my sad little life after a brief dalliance with hope and happiness. Brett seemed pleased enough to see me. We were polite, if a little awkward. We ordered a takeaway and ate together for the first time in years. We didn't talk about Robbo and we didn't talk about sexuality. He did want to talk about his boat idea though and it does sound pretty exciting. And a way out of this hell hole sounds like a mighty plan to me. I don't think I can bear to be near Charlie again. Being around her, knowing that we're never going to have what we want from each other, and knowing that it could have been something so amazing, well, it's destroying me. And I hope it's destroying her too. I went for a walk this evening and caught sight of her leaving the Surf Club. Just looking at her, even from a distance can literally render me speechless and unable to move. She's captivating; especially in that jacket she was wearing tonight. She looked amazing. She looked sad but still amazing.

**Friday 10****th**** April 2009**

**4:15pm**

It's been a weird day. I much prefer Leah, Charlie, Ruby and VJ's house. I'm more comfortable there and much happier. Even though Brett and I are getting along better, this place just doesn't feel like home anymore. It's always felt like somewhere I need to hide who I really am.

I saw Charlie on the beach today. She was out for a run. It literally felt like I'd been stabbed through the heart. All the same feelings rushed up inside me and spilled over, only to be replaced by hurt, rejection and sorrow at being so let down. I look at her and see this beautiful, strong, confident woman and yet she won't go after what she wants because... because what? She's afraid of what it means for her life? She doesn't want to be 'gay'? I don't think being with me would even make her gay. She's obviously still attracted to men. She said to me last week that she's only been attracted to guys. Has she never heard of the word bisexual? It's called the LG**B**T community for a reason. There's no need for labels. All she needs to do is be brave enough to love me. We can worry about all the other junk later. Together.

She saw me walking on the beach and slowed. I think she might have been about to come over but my body language made it pretty clear that I didn't want her to. We hardly even said goodbye last night. She was on the phone to work and asked me to wait but I wouldn't. I hugged Ruby and waved cheerfully and left as quickly as I could. I knew if I'd hung around I would have broken down. I need to be friendly but distant. Maybe not even too friendly. I used to look forward to every moment I could spend with Charlie but now I dread bumping into her. The sooner Brett and I can get this boat business going and move away, the better off I am. I need to cut all ties and move on.

**Sunday 12****th**** April 2009**

**11:12am**

If Brett thinks I'm leaving with him now, he has another thing coming. We were living in a dreamland to believe that we could live together harmoniously. He doesn't accept me for who I am and he never will.

It all started when I got it into my stupid head that the way to get over Charlie was to meet someone else. So, I caught the bus out to my favourite bar and got talking to some nice girls. It was fun – much nicer than the last time I tried it. That was far too soon after what happened to have realistically considered anything like that. I kicked myself about being such an idiot for a long time back then but in retrospect, I suppose we all make stupid decisions when we're hurting. Maybe last night was a dumb decision too but I'm trying not to think about it like that. I kissed one of the girls I met. It was nice. She was nice. She wasn't Charlie, but she was nice. (I really need to learn not to compare everyone to Charlie or nobody is ever going to measure up). Anyway, she made me feel special for a while. She was beautiful and funny and had amazingly big... um... eyes. She invited me back to her place but there was no way I was prepared to take anything further than a kiss. No way. But I got her name (Melissa) and her number and I enjoyed my evening.

I got back this morning and Brett was furious that I'd stayed out all night. Back in the day, I'd crept in and out of the house but I hadn't bothered this time. I thought Brett and I had an understanding. I hadn't realised he'd freak about it. But he did. He started yelling, wanting to know where I'd been and who I'd been with. I didn't tell him anything but there's been a frosty silence between us since. I'm not doing this boat thing with him now. My new plan is to get a job away from Summer Bay, away from Brett and away from Charlie. Maybe there'll be some overseas work or something on offer if I start asking around down at the docks.

**Monday 13****th**** April 2009**

**3:26pm**

I just got back from the Diner, having bumped into Charlie. She attempted to have a conversation with me but I wasn't into it. Describing the scene as awkward doesn't really do it justice. She asked how I was, if living with Brett again was okay, if I'd found work, etc. My replies were monosyllabic and I did everything I could not to look into her beautiful eyes. That's what makes me melt most, I think. Her eyes are just so beautiful. I could gaze into them all day. Except I can't. Because she doesn't want me. I need to get away from her, from here more than ever now. If I have to keep running into Charlie every day of my life I'm going to crack up. It's like being on a diet and having a chocolate cake chasing you around all day and then running and hiding every time you decide to give in and eat it.

**Wednesday 15****th**** April 2009**

**6:18pm**

It's been a strange day. I was up early and down at the wharf job hunting. I managed to get talking to a skipper who's planning a long haul trip. It sounded absolutely perfect to me. I get to go away for the next however long and I was positively giddy at the thought. Things have calmed down with Brett but I'm perfectly happy to leave him behind. He's got it into his head that I was never gay until I met Charlie. It'd be funny if it weren't so tragic. He doesn't know anything about me. And this town has brought me nothing but grief so I doubt I'll miss it. And Charlie... well, she's the only one who could ever make me stay. When I applied for the job, I didn't think twice but after the conversation Charlie and I had this afternoon, I'm not so sure. The way she was with me, the things she said made me think, made me hope. It makes me sad to imagine all the things that will be left unsaid between us. And I can't even bear to consider all the things left undone. I'm in two minds about just upping and leaving tomorrow and going over to see her. If I go and speak to her, she could go and break my heart all over again. Or she could change her mind, take a chance and be with me. I'm now stuck with the decision of whether it's a risk my heart can take or not.

While I was job hunting, I bumped into Aden, who wasn't in a good space at all. He had to rush to work. Gibsy literally has no crew left aside from him now that I've quit and Robbo is in jail. I watched Aden go and was horrified to see them start arguing. Aden threw a punch and missed. Gibsy threw one back and smacked Aden in the face, leaving him with a bloody nose. I called the police. Then I carried on with my trial work day to prove that I was cut out for the long haul job I wanted.

The police arrived pretty quickly and surprise, surprise, it was Charlie and one of her colleagues who responded to my call. I watched them from a safe distance as they talked to Aden and Gibsy and then took Aden away (home, I later found out). Charlie passed by me on her way to the car. She smiled, looking pleased to see me. But I couldn't smile back. I just carried on working but she was stuck in my head pretty much all day. She's stuck in my head pretty much every day.

I got let off 'work' in the afternoon and told that I had the job if I wanted it. I accepted gratefully and was told to come back in an hour to confirm everything. I took the hour to buy a pack of beers and go and visit Aden. He seemed like he needed some cheering up. He was still sore and bleeding when I arrived – and miserable as hell. We chilled out together for a little while and he told me that Belle has gone into rehab for a drug problem and he has no idea where. He's so stressed out. I feel so bad for him. I had no idea all this was going on right in front of me. I guess I've been so caught up in my own dramas. Poor Belle. Poor Aden. He's been so good to me. I'd like to help him if I can. Well, I would, if I was staying. If I'm staying. That's the million dollar question really.

Aden was full of questions about why I was leaving. I said there was nothing to keep me here, which made him probe me about the court case and of course, Charlie. I was as vague as possible, which was surprisingly easy. I suppose it helps that I have no idea what's going on. She confused the hell out of me today. As usual. But I work chronologically and I'm not at that part of the story yet. Aden said that Charlie had been asking after me. I'm embarrassed by the thrill it sent rushing through me. I just kept thinking, if she's asking after me and if she's still smiling at me and trying to talk to me when I see her, maybe she's regretting turning me away. I just don't know anymore and I don't know if I can cope with being knocked back again if I try and find out.

I went back to confirm everything about tomorrow and I bumped into Charlie again. Well, actually Charlie slipped away from her colleague (he has a really funny walk) in order to talk to me. Just seeing her standing there, walking towards me was enough to make my heart leap into my throat. I was torn between wanting to scream at her and wanting and wrap my arms around her and smother her in kisses. I always feel like that about her these days. Things would be so simple if only Charlie would stop looking around, worrying about what everyone else is thinking and settling on what she really wants. She and I could be so amazing together. The amount of passion in that kiss we shared, the sheer number of charged moments we've had, the level of emotion between us - all it adds up to is that there is something so raw and so real there.

I didn't want to talk to Charlie on the wharf. I didn't want to talk to Charlie ever again. She begged me not to ignore her but I told her I was working and tried to walk away. She kept calling after me and the desperation in her voice felt like a tripwire. I tried to keep going but then she said something about having thought we'd parted as friends. Friends? Is she kidding me? There is so much wrong with that statement that I don't even know where to begin. I told her that I didn't think she understood quite how badly she broke my heart. And I believed it. She's broken it so badly that I don't think I've got anything that even resembles one anymore. It's in pieces. I'm running away but I know I'm going to take Charlie with me. From the first moment I met her, I was always going to take her with me. She's fused into my life to a point where I'm never going to be the same again. I can hardly breathe without her. She's on my mind when I wake up, shower, get dressed, work, eat, watch TV, read, sleep... Everything in my world revolves around her. And I love it and hate it in equal measure. Because she's not mine to revolve around. Well, I don't think she is.

Her next words are the ones that have confused me so much. They're the ones that are making me consider throwing caution to the wind and going over there to have it out with her once and for all so perhaps we can put this whole matter to rest. She told me that she did know how badly she'd broken my heart because she'd broken hers as well. She's broken her own heart? Over me? Surely that means she loves me? And if she loves me... how can there not be a chance for us then? If she is feeling even a hint of the pain that I'm going through right now then there must be some part of her, even a small part that wants to take back what she said. There must be a part of her that wants to be with me. I could hardly take in what she said. It broke me and elated me all at the same time. We both started to speak at the same moment but she got interrupted by her colleague. She smiled at me and then had no choice but to walk away.

And now I'm stuck with a choice. Do I leave as planned tomorrow with no goodbye or do I go and see her? There was so much left to say today. We got interrupted when there was so much on our minds. I need her to explain to me where she's coming from. Why is her heart broken? She's the one who made the stupid decision not to act on her feelings. And if she's still not going to, then why is she making a bad situation worse by telling me how lousy she's feeling? That's just mean. I don't know what to do. This is driving me crazy.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Friday 10****th**** April 2009**

**22:13**

I've been keeping myself pretty busy and what with Roman and Leah's accident and Miles now up on some stupid assault charge against some even more stupid pupil called Trey; Summer Bay is doing a good job of keeping me sufficiently distracted. And I really need it now that Joey has left a big, gaping hole in my life. Even though there are two and a half other people living here, I feel like I'm rattling around inside this house. Joey made this place a home somehow, even though she was technically just a guest. Even Ruby commented on that recently. She was saying how Joey brought this extra energy to the place. And it's true. She did. And now she's gone – because of me. I miss her so much it physically hurts.

I was making myself salad for dinner the other day while Ruby was swooning on the phone to Xavier and... I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I was jealous. I had to focus really hard on my salad leaves because I wanted to rip the phone away from her and throw it against the wall. My own little sister and I was jealous of her happiness. And why? Because I can't have it for myself. I want to be able to wander round the house talking openly on the phone to the person that I love. I want to be cute and sappy and loving and free to express all the warm fuzzies I can't help but feel. But I can't. Because the person I love is Joey. And Joey's a girl. Ruby would lose the plot, Dad... oh! I can't even begin to imagine what Dad's reaction would be. Work would be a nightmare; Colleen would have a field day and my friends... Leah, Martha... they'd feel differently about me. Even if they tried hard not to, they would. I know they would. I can't risk losing them all. But now it seems that I'm resenting them instead.

I was in a foul mood by the time Ruby got off the phone, made worse by the fact that I couldn't find the salad container that she constantly borrows and moves. I snapped at her about where it was and she produced it saying that Joey had moved it out of the way so she'd stop using it and annoying me. That's such a Joey thing to do. She's always looking out for me, trying to make life as easy and happy for me as she possibly can. I know all she ever wanted to do was love me. All I want to do is let her. But I can't. It's an impossible situation. Not here. Not now.

Ruby then started going on about missing Joey and I could barely contain my feelings. Then she apologised about being insensitive and how hard all this must be for me. I panicked. I was convinced for a few seconds that she knew about me and Joey. But she was talking about Roman. She thought I was worried about him. I mean, I am worried. Of course I am. But he isn't at the forefront of my mind. Maybe as a concerned friend or ex, he should be but I think Ruby thinks I still have feelings for him. And perhaps a few weeks ago, I still might have but then Joey came in knocked every other potential love interest completely out of the water as far as I'm concerned. There is nobody in my world but her now – the one person that truly loves me and the one person I could never allow myself to have.

It was strange really. When I thought Ruby knew, I was almost relieved. She didn't seem to care. She told me it was okay. I'm heartbroken that she was talking about Roman. I wish there was somebody I could talk to about this whole Joey thing. Perhaps if there was someone to confide in, I could find a way forward. If there was somebody to accept the situation, I might have the confidence to turn around to Joey and tell her we can be together. That's if she wants me still, of course. I saw her on the beach today while I was out for my morning run. I wanted to go over and say hi but she was clearly not in the mood for talking so I left it. She bristled when she saw me. I really hope she doesn't hate me forever.

**Saturday 11****th**** April 2009**

**18:56**

It was my day off today. I didn't do a whole lot. I went for a long workout to try and burn off some of my tension. There just seems to be so much going on right now.

Trey Palmer is causing so much trouble at the moment. He's got Miles up on assault charges and now it looks like Kirsty lied because she didn't want to give Trey an alibi for where he was when Roman and Leah had their accident. Roman's still in the hospital and Leah's frantic. Ruby and I have been trying to make sure that VJ is cared for and that dinner is on the table while she goes between home and the hospital. It's this kind of time that I miss Joey on a practical level as well as an emotional one. She really looked after us all when she was living here. We're all kind of lost without her. Leah, Ruby and VJ have all commented on it independently of each other and I just have to sit there quietly when they do. I can't talk about it.

I settled myself properly back into my room today. I put my stuff back into my drawers and finally changed the bedding. I made the room mine again after it being Joey's for so long. I don't like it this way. I liked Joey being here. I miss her.

**Sunday 12****th**** April 2009**

**11:12**

I just found a photograph under the bed that Joey and I took weeks ago when I took her out to the country for the day. We took it on her phone while we were walking. We're both grinning crazily into the camera. She'd obviously got it printed. We look so happy. I can't believe what's happened to us.

**Monday 13****th**** April 2009**

**13:14**

I just saw Joey at the Diner. I made her speak to me but she really didn't want to. It was like trying to get words out of Ruby when she was twelve. One word answers, wouldn't make eye contact, ran away as fast as she could... She's almost unrecognisable. What have I done to her?

**Wednesday 15****th**** April 2009**

**18:02**

It's been yet another heavy day. I swear I need a holiday before my mind explodes. And I mean a proper holiday. I love Dad so much but visiting him is difficult because he has so many care needs now. I just want to run off by myself where no-one knows me. Scratch that. I want to run off with Joey, where no-one knows us. We could be together without any pressure or judgement or fear. But of course, that's impractical and impossible so I need to stop dreaming about it. And to put things into perspective, there are far worse things going on. Roman found out today that he's blind. The doctor's can't find a biological reason for it and they're thinking it might be psychosomatic, which I imagine he's finding hard to accept. He's such a tough, strong person. I haven't even been able to visit him, except in a work capacity. It's difficult to see him looking so lost and vulnerable in that hospital bed. I don't have feelings for him anymore (it really does take quite a person to cure me of my Roman infatuation but hey, Joey managed it) but I do still care for him as a friend. He's not reacting well to it – who would? – but because of it, he's now broken up with Leah. She came home not long ago extremely upset. I spent time with her for a while and then she needed some space so I've escaped to my room to write for a little bit and then I'm going to cook for all of us.

On top of all that, we finally discovered the real culprit of the accident. Xavier came forward and admitted that he covered for his brother, Brendan. Brendan's severely autistic and not responsible for his actions but there are still implications. Someone has still been injured badly. And Xavier still lied. I'm far from the boy's biggest fan but I can't help but feel sorry for him. He was genuinely trying to do the right thing. He got it totally wrong but he did try. Ruby appears to be less forgiving though. She's been storming round here like she's trying to make our ears explode or something.

Joey called the police today when she witnessed her ex-boss assaulting Aden. He ended up with a bloody nose but I think his pride was hurt more than anything. We gave the guy a warning and took Aden home to rest. He was pretty hurt. As we took him to the car, we passed Joey. I tried to smile but she wasn't having any of it. That stung. I made sure Aden was alright and tried to ever-so-casually ask about Joey. He said that she seemed fine but that he hadn't seen much of her. He seemed to think she's going on a long haul trip for work. Why hasn't she told me? All these questions keep rattling around in my brain and it's taking everything I have not to charge round to see her and demand answers. I keep reminding myself that if she wanted me to know, she'd tell me. But then I keep wondering when she's going. What if it's soon? What if I run out of time to say goodbye? What if she leaves hating me? What if she leaves not knowing how much I love her?

Well, I think she knows now at least. We did talk today. I don't know if it did any good. It wasn't exactly the easiest conversation in the world. She started off pretty brittle, like she has every time I've managed to catch a glimpse of her this week. I hate the way she's been avoiding me. I just want to be near her. But I guess she can't be near me. She said to me today that I didn't understand how badly I broke her heart. But I do. I can see the pain etched on her face when she sees me. And I can feel it so deeply because it matches my own pain exactly. I broke my own heart when I broke hers. And I told her that. We seemed to connect over that somehow, over our poor, wounded hearts. We both started to speak after that. I said her name and she said mine and then we broke the tension with smiles. It was the first easy-ish moment we've shared for a long time. The way she was looking at me, so earnest, so longingly, just made me want to take back every bad word I've said. Why can't things be simple enough to allow me to do that? Before I could make any decisions and before either of us could proceed with whatever we were going to say next, I got called away.

So, we still haven't resolved anything and I still don't know if or when she's leaving the Bay. I need to know. She will say goodbye though, won't she? She wouldn't just leave? Not after everything we've been through? She wouldn't just leave me?


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Thursday 16****th**** April 2009**

**10:38am**

I'm sitting in the Diner and I just cannot stop smiling. Charlie and I are... together. I still can't get my head around the idea of that statement being true. I'm just so happy. It feels unreal. It's like someone wrote down my ultimate dream and gave it to me as a gift. Last night I got to kiss her, touch her, spend the night with her, fall asleep in her arms and hear her tell me that she loved me. I still can't believe it. She loves me. She wants to be with me. How is this even possible? I really can't stop smiling. This is insane. It's unbelievable. And I totally take back everything I've ever said about reality not matching up to fantasy because Charlie is everything I ever dreamed of and more.

After a lot of fretting yesterday, I finally decided that I couldn't leave without talking to Charlie and finding out what she meant when she'd told me her heart was broken. As usual, she'd been driving me to distraction while I was attempting to puzzle her out. She didn't want to be with me but she had strong feelings. She'd totally rejected me and broken my heart and yet she was constantly smiling at me and trying to make conversation any chance she got. I knew there was no way I could leave things the way they were. I couldn't walk away from this, from us, with everything so up in the air. We both needed some closure, even if that closure would be painful.

So, I showered, changed clothes, made myself look as attractive as possible and doused myself with confidence and marched over to her place to have it out with her once and for all. She was cooking when I arrived but eagerly put her plate down and came outside to speak to me. I told her firmly that we needed to finish our conversation and that if we didn't do it now we never would because I was leaving the next day. Those appeared to be the golden words because she literally flew back into the house, told the others she was going out, returned to me with a smile and then we drove down to the beach together.

Things were a little awkward on the drive down there and I felt my confidence wavering slightly. It was mostly because we both wanted to wait to talk once we'd parked somewhere and now we had a period of time where we had to dance around the issue right in front of us. She asked me about the job that was going to take me away from Summer Bay. I told her a little about it but work was hardly what I was interested in at that point. By then, all I wanted to know was if there was a chance for us.

Finally she parked up at the beach and we sat for a little while in silence before Charlie began to speak. She admitted to being scared of what people would think of her. It sounded like she would be embarrassed to be with me, which stung a little. I would be so proud to be with her. Correction – I _am _so proud to be with her. I can't believe I'm actually in a position to say that at last! She insisted that it wasn't about embarrassment, but about responsibilities. She's frightened. This isn't something she's ever considered before. I understand that. I told her that I didn't care what anyone else thought and that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what might have been. And it's true. It's pretty much the only reason why I went to see her last night. She gave me a tiny glimmer of hope on the wharf yesterday and I couldn't bear to pass up the chance of being with her if there was one, even if it meant being turned down yet again. That's how much I love her. That's how much I want to be with her. I'd face anything just to keep her close to me.

Charlie told me she thought I hated her when we'd spoken earlier. I couldn't help but laugh. Just the concept of me ever being able to hate Charlie is ridiculous. Sometimes I've wished I could hate her. But I can't. I love her too much. To me, Charlie is the epitome of beauty. She's kind, funny, strong, sexy, passionate... I fear I might burst out with some awful poetry some time soon. I'll try and resist. She just inspires so much love in me. We've been apart for half an hour and I already miss her! It's bordering on pathetic really. And it feels so strange. I guess it's because I've never had this before. I've read about it, I've seen it on TV and in movies but I've never known what real love is like, not until now. And it's wonderful.

But anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Inside the car, I told her again that I loved her. And that's when she said it. She told me she loved me too! Well, she was unsure about it. She stumbled over her words and said "I think" first but to be honest, when it comes to Charlie, I'll take what I can get. I think I love you, is a big step up from 'strong feelings'. And, again skipping ahead, she said it a hell of a lot more certainly later on that night. And she demonstrated it too! I asked her what we were going to do about it and she looked so torn so I nudged a little more and asked her outright if she wanted to be with me. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her face as she struggled to find the right answer. She kept licking her lips and didn't seem to know where to look. I stroked her hair. She smiled and turned to face and me and snuggled into my palm before saying the words I so desperately wanted, needed to hear. She told me that yes; she wanted to be with me and reached out to hold my hand. The pure elation that flowed through me then was overwhelming. Charlie, beautiful, wonderful, perfect Charlie wanted to be with me. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. I think back to the time on the boat when we came so close to kissing and she ran away. Then we really did kiss and she freaked out and left me. Then she came back and admitted her feelings but still rejected me. To have her there with me, present in mind and body and wanting all the same things I wanted was unreal.

We kissed then and it lasted a long time. It started off tentative and delicate, like neither of us could quite comprehend that we'd just decided to be together properly. But it didn't take long for all the feelings that have been gathering together over the last month or so to explode. I just couldn't stop kissing her, regardless of the fact that I was running out of air. My hands were roaming - stroking her back, her face, and her shoulders - stopping shy of any area that I'd never encountered before. Her hands were in my hair and our kisses became more urgent.

Frustrated with the awkwardness of our positions across the car seats, I grinned at her and told her there was nothing for it but for her to jump over. She'd done it before I'd even finished my sentence and the next thing I knew, Charlie was in my lap with her legs either side of mine and she was kissing me again. She reclined the seat without warning and I yelped in surprise but it didn't make me pause. After forcing 'confident Joey' back, I finally stopped being shy and allowed myself to work my hands round from her back to her chest. I felt her breathe in and we made eye contact and I silently asked if it was okay. She smiled at me and I took it as a good sign so I continued.

After quite a while of the best make-out session I have ever experienced in my life, I suddenly caught sight of the time. We'd been out for two hours and I wondered how long I'd get to keep her with me for, at which point she called Ruby and told her that she had to work all night and wouldn't be back until the morning. She's so cheeky! And a worryingly good liar. She pointed out that technically she would be 'pulling an all-nighter'; she'd just been creative about where she'd be and what she'd be doing. She then grinned extremely wickedly and kissed me again. I wondered where we ought to go and she pointed out that she'd never done this before and didn't know the clandestine meeting etiquette. I suggested a hotel and she climbed back into her own seat to start the car.

I gazed at her while she drove and she kept turning back to me and smiling, reaching out to hold my hand or stroke my leg whenever she could. She looked so beautiful. As she drove though, she looked like she had something on her mind and I figured out fairly quickly that she was shy of booking into a hotel with another woman. I mean, it's not like they weren't going to know what we were there for. To solve the problem, I directed her to Adam and Steve's Bed and Breakfast, out of town. I figured she'd feel safer going to a place owned by a gay couple. She teased me about bringing other girls there before her. I distracted her by leaning over and nuzzling her neck.

When we arrived, it was past closing time but Steve let us in anyway. I knew he would. He asked who my 'lovely young lady was'. I didn't know if Charlie would be into giving her name but she did and Steve nearly dropped me in it by saying "Oh, so _this _is..." in that really embarrassing, knowing way, which pretty much reveals that she's all I talk about these days. I cut him off and he shut up thankfully but not before Charlie had started laughing. At least she laughed. I was expecting her to be horrified.

We escaped to our room as quickly as possible and were kissing again before we'd even got the door closed. It was like a few minutes apart and in polite(ish) company had been too long. I guided her to the bed and then... I won't go into details but I will say that it was incredible and the best night of my life. She's every bit as beautiful as I've been picturing in my head all this time and just thinking about what we shared last night makes me glow. It was my first time since... and while there were moments that I was anxious, Charlie was so gentle with me and so aware of everything I've been through that nothing was frightening. I was able to relax with her and trust her. And she was nervous too. She's never been with a girl before and she was worried about 'getting it right'. She so got it right!

Afterwards, when we were snuggled up together, we still couldn't stop touching, even just stroking each other's skin, offering occasional kisses and cuddling as tightly as we could. She told me she loved me again in this dreamy kind of way that made me melt. I kissed her collar bone and told her I loved her too. It was the early hours of the morning when we fell asleep in each other's arms.

We made love again when we woke up and then reluctantly headed back into Summer Bay. Neither of us particularly wanted to deal with the real world and outside the comfort and safety of our hotel room, we were both shy again. Charlie dropped me off and asked me if I was alright. Words couldn't describe how alright I was, although I admit I was a bit frightened that it was going to be a one-night-stand and that in the light of day, she was going to change her mind. She's still struggling with the reality of telling people and seems to want to take us both off and run away where nobody knows us. That sounds wonderful to me but I know we can't live in utopia forever. Denialsville never really works, unfortunately.

I decided to go and tell the skipper that I wouldn't be taking that job after all but I needed confirmation from Charlie that this was right thing to do. I had to be so careful not to get carried away and expect more from her than she was willing to give. But she does want to give herself to me, even though she's frightened and I really admire her for that. She makes me so happy. She said she wants to tell Ruby first and I presume quickly because she doesn't want her to find out any other way. I offered to be there to help her but she thought Ruby would need some adjusting time before she could cope with Charlie and I as a couple. I really hope that Ruby can deal. While I was living there, she and I got on so nicely. She knows that I'm gay and she didn't have a problem with that at all so hopefully, even though it makes it more complicated because Charlie's her sister, she'll understand. I think we're more likely to get acceptance from Charlie's friends and family than mine, somehow.

I didn't quite know how to leave. We were in public in daylight so I didn't want to overstep the mark by kissing her so I just started to get out of the car. But she called me back and invited me to stay over at hers tonight. I was beyond thrilled. It just feels so coupley to be invited to sleep over at your girlfriend's house. Charlie's my girlfriend. Is she really my girlfriend? No, she can't be! I think she is. She's my girlfriend. Wow. And she's invited me over tonight... to sleep with her. I told her I loved her one more time and she kissed me. She kissed me right there in the middle of the day. I mean, to be fair, we were in the car, parked on the side of the road, away from where people were so the likelihood of anyone seeing us is at a minimum but still... she kissed me. And she didn't care. We kissed goodbye for a while. We seem to get lost in each other when our lips meet. Finally, I got out of the car and watched her drive away.

Since then, I've told the skipper that I can't go on the long haul and now I'm drinking very strong coffee and trying to stay awake after very little sleep. I should really probably think about going home to change.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Thursday 16****th**** April 2009**

**10:24**

I finally did it. I finally stopped letting fear dictate how I lived my life and now Joey and I are together. I can't believe I actually wrote that. But I did. And it's true. We're together. We're in love. And I know it's not always going to feel this way, not once people find out, but right now, I'm so happy. Even when I'm actually trying to focus on fretting and what I'm going to tell Ruby today, I can't stop remembering the wonder of last night and it makes me smile instead. I'm pretty much expecting to wander round the house with a big grin on my face all day and even though I only dropped Joey off about half an hour ago, I'm desperately fighting the urge to call her and get her over here. Half an hour just feels like too long apart, especially considering all the time we've already lost. I'm trying so hard to be rational and realistic, to try and prepare myself for people not feeling quite so elated as we are, but I can't seem to manage it. I'm like a kite without strings right now. Every time I try to think of how I'd explain this to people, Joey's beauty fills my head instead and I can't concentrate. I don't even know if I can write it all down in here because I've been swooning like a crazy person for this entire paragraph now. She just makes me feel so happy, so loved, so special. Joey is the most incredible person in the world and yet she's chosen to be with me. I never thought in a million years that she and I would ever end up making a go of things. I'd made such a firm decision not to. But when she came to me last night and said she was leaving and that this was our last chance, everything suddenly fell into place. I knew that I either had to grit my teeth and weather the storm and be with her or spend the rest of my life dreaming of what could have been. It feels like I just jumped off a cliff with no parachute. It's a long way down but Joey jumped too, she's holding my hand and we can get through anything as long as we're together. I think I'm going to need some caffeine before I actually attempt to explain what happened last night, a night which is up there as one of the very best I have ever had. She's just so perfect. Right, coffee! I will not start swooning again. But she really is beautiful.

**Thursday 16****th**** April 2009**

**11:03**

Well, my inability to focus on how people are going to react has been cured. Now I can't help panicking that I've made a huge mistake by getting with Joey. I hate that feeling because I know how much we love each other but if Ruby's reaction is anything to go by, then life is going to be even harder than I thought it was going to be. Half an hour ago, I was sat here unable to stop smiling and now I'm fighting tears. Ruby had seen us together when I dropped Joey off. She saw us kissing and then stormed in here while I was making my coffee, shouting the odds. She says I'm just pretending and that there is no way there is anything gay about me. Why does it have to be about the label? I'm not saying I'm a lesbian. I don't think I am. I don't know what I am, to be perfectly honest. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm in love with Joey. Well, I was sure of that until Ruby tried to convince me that I was using her and that my feelings weren't genuine. What if she's right? What if I'm just lonely or something? What if I end up hurting Joey yet again? I was so happy this morning, so peaceful and sure of myself and my new relationship and one row later it feels like everything is shattered. All I want to do is be with the person I love. Why should that be so hard? Speaking of, she's just arrived so I'd better close here.

**Thursday 16****th**** April 2009**

**13:12**

Joey's in the shower. She rushed over here as soon as I called to say Ruby had reacted badly and didn't have time to change clothes first. She'd left a few bits here when she moved out, enough to freshen up anyway so I thought I'd use the time apart to update what's happened last night and this morning. I wish I'd written about last night earlier so it wouldn't be tainted with Ruby's reaction. But at least when Ruby left here she was calmer and willing to support us and try her best to comprehend what's happening. Joey thinks it went well, and I guess the outcome was positive in the end but it was frightening there for a while. I suddenly know what it feels like to have the possibility of admitting who you really are, ripping your family apart. I dread to think what Dad and Morag will say. They're not high on my list of people to tell. Now that Ruby knows, I don't really want to share it anymore. Obviously we have to tell Leah because we all live together but the idea of other people wrecking what Joey and I have is too much to bear. I don't want our relationship to be marred and judged. There isn't anything wrong with us. We're just the same as everyone else.

Well, last night, I was finishing up in the kitchen when Joey knocked on the door. I was stunned to see her there. Things had been so awkward lately and we were both hurting so much that I didn't think she'd ever want to speak to me again. But there she was. We went outside to talk privately and she just seemed different. She was full of confidence and it became clear pretty quickly that she wasn't leaving until things were resolved between us somehow. She said she had a job lined up, starting tomorrow (today), which meant that she would be leaving Summer Bay. She basically said she'd be going unless I gave her a reason to stay. So, I yelled back into the house that I was going out and we went for a drive.

I pulled up at the beach and we sat together for a while. She patiently listened to the words tumbling out my mouth. I really tried to explain where I was coming from, how frightened I was of revealing the side of myself that could be attracted to a woman. We sadly live in a world where that kind of this does have its consequences. Maybe in some places, it truly doesn't matter but certainly here and at my job, it does. It matters a lot and I'm terrified of losing everything I've worked so hard to build. The conversation was a difficult one. It was so charged with emotion, like a single word could change the course of where we might go. Joey thought I was embarrassed to be with her. I said I wasn't but I guess in a way, she's right. I'm not embarrassed of her specifically, just by the fact that she's a woman. It feels so strange to be in love with a woman. But it also feels right. Joey makes my world complete. Most people spend their whole lives looking for 'the one' and as frightened as I am, as unsure as I am about the way forward, I honestly believe that I've found the person I'm meant to be with. She absolutely wasn't what I was looking for but it feels so right between us. After a lot of talking and me even admitting that I'd feared she hated me earlier that day, we both admitted that we loved each other. I stumbled over my words and I wasn't bold enough to say it without an 'I think' in front of it but it was a start. She asked what we were going to do about it. The smile on her face and the way she looked in the moonlight made me realise that it was all or nothing. She asked if I wanted to be with her and after waiting for my heart to stop hammering in my chest, I said yes. I reached for her hand and we kissed. And it was amazing.

I started off feeling so shy. Every contact sent a thrill through me and I had more time than last time to really focus on the details of what it was like to kiss her. She's so gentle and her lips are incredibly soft. I never wanted us to stop. And we didn't! The longer our kisses continued, the more relaxed we got. And the more relaxed we got, the more we were open to let our passion take over. I've wanted Joey for longer than I think I even realise. Looking back now, I must have had feelings for her before she even moved in here. My obsession with her case and my need to protect her was too strong for it to have ever been platonic between us. The more we kissed and the more I felt her fingertips exploring my body, the more overwhelmed I became. It didn't take long before I ended up on top of her in her seat, straddling her and continuing to kiss her with growing intensity. It was like a compulsion, an addiction. I reclined her seat so we could get more comfortable, still very aware of everywhere her hands went. My own hands wouldn't move further than her hair and face and they were shaking so badly but she was growing in confidence until after some hesitation, she ran her hands over my breasts. Even over my clothes, it set me on fire and left me wanting more. And even though there was a little voice in my head wondering what I was doing, and how could I be so thrilled at getting physical with a girl, her kisses and her touch silenced everything but our breathing.

Eventually, we started coming back to earth. We realised that we were sitting in a parked car, with steamed up windows at the beach; the situation was getting more and more intense and technically, I was on a time limit. If I'd just stayed out all night, there would have been questions that neither of us was really ready for. So I called Ruby and told her I had to stay at work all night. Maybe I shouldn't have lied but I just wanted the joy I was feeling with Joey to last.

We drove out to a hotel she knew of. It was run by a gay couple. I teased her about bringing other girls back there and to avoid answering, she stretched over and started kissing my neck. I thought I was going to crash the car! Distraction technique or not, I liked it. Driving was pretty hard to concentrate on, considering all I wanted to do was pull over and be with her there and then. We kept reaching out to touch each other's hands or legs and my driving was probably quite erratic. When we arrived, the owner obviously knew Joey pretty well and let slip that Joey had mentioned me. Rather than feeling worried, I was touched.

We escaped to our room as quickly as possible. She took charge and laid me on the bed the moment the door closed. The next few hours were magical. I don't think I've ever felt so happy before. Any fear I'd had about it not feeling right once we were really, really close, evaporated into nothing. Nothing has ever felt so meant to be in my life. Joey is so incredibly beautiful, although she appears to have no idea. I was fascinated by her body. I couldn't stop gazing and kissing and caressing. Every contact sent jolts through me and I could hardly believe we were really together in that way. Of course there were nerves – on both sides. I was frightened of getting it wrong. I know what to do with a man but with a woman, it's unexplored territory. Well, it _was_ anyway. We'd waited so long for each other that I was nervous of disappointing her; of not measuring up to what she might have in her head. And she was a little tense at times. It was her first time since what happened. I think that worried me more than my lack of confidence in my abilities. I was afraid of hurting her in some way and wrecking the experience for both of us. But we made sure that we kept communicating and beyond anything else, we really formed a bond of trust last night and everything went perfectly. I hope it was as good for her as it was for me. And it was incredible for me. She's incredible. No wonder the massage she gave me last month drove me so crazy. The things she can do with her hands... not to mention her mouth. Okay, I'm stopping there. This is a non-x-rated journal!

Afterwards, we just held each other, exchanging some kisses and touches and words. I told her with more clarity that I loved her and she returned the sentiment before we finally fell asleep, even though we knew it was only going to be for a few hours.

We woke up reluctantly and it felt really special to wake up so close to her. We knew we had to get back to normal life but we made love again before we left the hotel and then I drove us back home. I dropped her off so she could go and tell her new employers that she wasn't coming on the trip. It means a lot that she would give something like that up just to be with me. We were shy of each other and I think she was half expecting me to turn around and say it was a mistake. The only mistake I've made in all of this is not going for it when I first realised she was what I wanted. With reality hitting home, we talked about what we were going to do next. I said I wanted to tell Ruby first, although that didn't quite go to plan in the end. I felt the panic of telling people start to set in but I know that whatever else happens, I've always got Joey so I'm hoping that we can withstand the pressure together. I invited her to stay over tonight and she looked elated. She told me she loved me again in such an earnest way that I didn't know what to say. So I kissed her. A lot. Then she climbed out of the car and I drove home.

I was so happy this morning. I actually sang in the shower and I wasn't able to stop smiling while I was getting dressed, writing in here and generally pottering around. Then Ruby came storming in yelling at me. She'd seen us kissing in the car that morning and was completely freaking out. I wish so badly that she'd found out in the right way. I wanted to sit her down and explain everything to her calmly and maturely but it took a while for that to happen. At first she just yelled at me, told me I wasn't gay and that I was being unfair to Joey. That made me worry. Ruby knows me ridiculously well and I'm afraid of her being right. But then, how can she be? How can I be disingenuous when just thinking about Joey makes my heart race? It is real. I know it is. And as I pointed out to Ruby, I didn't just wake up one day and decide to give it a whirl. This decision took a ridiculous amount of time and trauma to reach. I didn't rush into it. And it wasn't something I could prevent. I've completely fallen for Joey and there is nothing I can do about it, even if I wanted to – which I don't.

Ruby stormed out and I fell apart. My first instinct was to call Joey and she was round within minutes. She found me in a heap on the sofa with my discarded journal and gathered me up into her arms. She just held me for a while and I let her strength carry me through my tears. Finally, I was able to talk. Well, I was mostly ranting about how badly Ruby had taken it. And she listened and she cared and she actually managed to make me laugh. I still have no idea how she managed it but she did and I was so grateful. I said that I wanted to be happy for us so she told me to just be happy then. It was a simple instruction that made so much sense and I hope that I can do it. We kissed then, only for Ruby to walk back into the house and freak out all over again. She either has the best or worse timing in the world. She started to leave but then came back in for round two – or maybe it was round three. I'm not sure how to divide it.

Anyway, she criticised me for thrusting it in her face (like I knew she was going to see us on either occasion). We yelled a lot. She couldn't handle me saying that Joey and I were together but how else is there to describe it? We're a couple now, just like any other couple in the Bay. I shouldn't have to phrase it differently to cater for other people's prejudices – not even my sister's. Finally, Joey, the voice of reason came into the kitchen and managed to calm us both down and convince Ruby to sit and talk properly. She made cups of tea and we settled uneasily down at the kitchen table to thrash it out in a more civilised manner.

The talk went better than I think any of us expected. I admitted that feelings had existed between us since day one. Ruby was intent on laying the entire 'blame' at Joey's door and accused her of making a move on me. I made sure to point out that if anyone made the first move, it was me. Joey seemed pleased that I'd shared that. It would be easy to pitch this whole thing as a lesbian seducing a straight girl but that's just not how it was. I had my part to play. In fact, I think I played a bigger part. Joey was shy of me. She said to Ruby that even when she'd fallen for me, she didn't think she'd have a chance of being with me. I know if I hadn't been silently begging her to bring it out into the open, she wouldn't have. But I wanted it. I wanted her. I needed her. I still do. I think I always will.

Eventually, it seemed like Ruby was willing to take it all on board. She asked questions like 'were we a couple now' and if I was going to tell Dad and Morag. I confirmed that we were in a relationship. Joey was positively glowing at that point! And I said I didn't want to tell people until I was ready, although Leah, as our housemate, needed to know straight away. Ruby seemed a little overwhelmed that she had to keep it a secret but she accepted it. I think she probably already told someone when she left and came back but hopefully it wasn't Colleen! The whole town would have known in a matter of seconds if it was. I presume it was Xavier, Annie or Jai. They're her closest friends. But anyway, the most important thing is that she gave me a hug and seemed prepared to accept things as they are. She even gave Joey a smile and a little wave when she walked out. She made quite a turn around from the screaming teenager who first confronted me this morning.

Now she's gone back to school and Joey and I have the day together. Leah is away until Sunday night. She couldn't cope with everything that has happened with Roman so she decided to take VJ and visit her family for the weekend. In theory, Joey and I have the place to ourselves (providing Ruby doesn't return _again_)! And after my first 'coming out' ordeal, I could really do with some comfort. I can hear her coming out of the shower actually. I think I'll go and find her before she manages to get dressed!


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty-One: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Friday 17****th**** April 2009**

**11:09am**

I'm back home but hopefully not for too long. Now that I'm with Charlie (that still sounds so strange to me), I'm not planning on being around this place for much of the time anymore. I want to spend as much time with her as I possibly can.

Just as I'd been thinking about leaving the Diner and going home to get changed yesterday, Charlie called me in floods of tears and asked me to come over. I raced round there and it turned out that Ruby had caught us kissing in the car and laid into her. I felt terrible. She was distraught. I held her until she was able to talk. She was traumatised, fretting about how Ruby had reacted, saying that if only we had been able to talk to her first rather than her finding out the way she had then it might be okay. I tried to make things better, to make her laugh a little and to encourage her to continue to be happy for us. We kissed right at the wrong moment – right as Ruby flew back into the room.

She flew right back out of it, furiously and I sat in the living room feeling like a complete wreck as I listened to her and Charlie arguing in the kitchen. I couldn't bear to hear them tearing chunks out of each other when normally they're so close. I just felt so responsible, like it was my fault. I did express that tentatively to Charlie later but she assured me that it wasn't my fault at all. I hadn't forced her to fall in love with me and we were in this together. That makes me feel better. I'd hate for bad reactions to cause her to resent me or something. I know this is going to be far from easy for us, for her.

Debating whether it was my place to interfere or not, I came into the kitchen and begged Charlie and Ruby to calm down and listen to each other. They agreed and I made some tea while we settled down at the table to talk it through. Ruby was pretty keen to pin everything on me. She said a couple of times that I made a pass at Charlie. I know that it would have been easy for Charlie to accept that version of events. I was proud of her for sticking up for me and telling the truth. I didn't seduce her, except perhaps in my head. I had quite a few seduction fantasies going on up there but in real life, Charlie made as many moves as I did, if not more and she told Ruby that. She told Ruby she'd had feelings for me from the start and declared that she and I were in a proper relationship. The way she spoke about us, the way she protected us and seemed so proud made me happy. I couldn't stop smiling. Ruby was less thrilled but I begged her to try and understand and she eventually came round to the idea. Charlie pointed out the upside of Ruby not having to share her room when I stayed over. Ruby declared that as too much information, making all three of us laugh. Charlie clapped her hand over her mouth, embarrassed, like she couldn't believe she'd just referred to us sleeping together. Oh, she was so adorable! We all got the giggles and Ruby seemed to depart on a happy note. Charlie was still quite shaken though. She says that Ruby was the easy person to tell and believes that it's only going to get harder from here. Maybe she's right but whatever the case; I know we can get through it. As long as we're together there's nothing we can't face.

I thought that with the difficult response we'd had, Charlie would change her mind about me staying the night but she didn't. Once Ruby had returned to school she and I spent the afternoon together. I took a shower because I still hadn't changed clothes and well... let's just say it took a while before I managed to get dressed! It was a magical afternoon of getting to know each other more intimately than we did before. We talked, laughed, made love and also spent some time cooking a meal together for us and Ruby. We had pasta and it was so nice to do something so domesticated together. It reminded me of when I first moved in and we were so happy, except this time we were a unit, a couple.

Dinner was pretty good. We'd feared it would be awkward but all three of us made an effort. Ruby asked us lots of questions about how we'd got together but warned us about 'too much information'. She told us about her day. Jai and Trey got into a fight and made things worse for Miles who's under investigation for assault. It all sounds very complicated to me. Ruby seemed pretty upset about it. She had an early night. I think she was subtly giving us some space and alone-time, although there wasn't really any need.

Charlie drove me to Brett's (I don't really think of it as home anymore). She parked round the corner. I went in, grabbed a few things and returned to Charlie who drove us back to the house. We pretty much went straight to her room, leaving the dishes until the morning.

It feels so strange, in a wonderful kind of way to be sleeping over at my girlfriend's house. It feels natural, like this is the way it was always meant to be. I know that Charlie won't find it easy when we're out in the real world and she struggles when we're with Ruby but when we're alone, everything feels perfect. I'm addicted to her company, her smile, her laugh, her touch, her body. For someone who's never been with a woman before, she sure knows what she's doing! She can illicit reactions from me I never thought anybody could, especially after everything. She's so beautiful in every way that it's possible to be beautiful. If this is what love is like then it was definitely worth waiting for. I feel like the luckiest person alive.

I reluctantly let her go into work this morning but not before doing everything I could to persuade her to stay. I nearly succeeded as well. I've discovered that kissing her neck is a particularly strong argument. I really like making these kinds of discoveries about her.

Once I was fully awake myself, I did the dishes and now I'm back at Brett's. He was still here when I arrived and interrogated me about where I was last night. I didn't tell him, which made him furious but he doesn't need to know about Charlie. She's vulnerable right now and she doesn't want the world to know about us yet. Plus, Brett isn't going to react well. I already know this. He threw me out when he discovered I was gay and single. He was furious when he found out I'd headed out to a gay bar last week. If he thought I actually had a partner, he'd freak out. We're in a state of bliss right now and I'm desperate for that to last as long as possible. We're not ready for the likes of my brother to burst our bubble yet. I just said I was out with friends and that he needed to let me spread my wings and do my own thing without demanding to know where I was all the time. He was not happy. But he had to go to work so he couldn't argue.

Today I have to do some chores around the house and now that I'm sticking around Summer Bay, I need to find a job. Charlie and I are having lunch together too. I can't wait!

**Friday 17****th**** April 2009**

**5:49pm**

My job hunting didn't go well but I still had a brilliant day, mostly because I'm still high on the wonder that is Charlie Buckton.

At Brett's house, I did my usual cleaning and tidying until lunch time when I headed to the Diner. Charlie was already there when I arrived. It took every ounce of self control I had not to fling myself into her arms right in front of everybody. Looking into her eyes and watching her hands not quite being able to settle themselves, I got the feeling that she was thinking the same thing, which made me feeling pretty good about myself! I quite enjoy having an effect of her! She smiled broadly at me and then presented a couple of paper bags of take away and we hurried to the exit. The moment we were a safe distance away from the Diner and along the beach, Charlie caught hold of my hand. I made conversation, asking about her day at work and she asked me what I'd got up to. She was concerned about Brett hassling me but I swore I didn't reveal anything about her.

We found a little, sheltered nook away from civilisation and were making out before we'd even sat down. Her kisses burned my lips and it felt like an age since I'd had her in my arms, even though really it had only been a few hours. I was surprised that she was willing to kiss me in public. I know we were hidden but we weren't _that _hidden. I couldn't stop myself from running my hands all over her body and I loved the way she moaned quietly with pleasure while she kissed me and let her hands explore as frantically as mine. If we'd have had more time I think we would have probably ended up going the whole way there and then, although possibly that would have been a bad idea, especially considering she was in her uniform. A police officer getting caught for public indecency probably wouldn't go down too well (no pun intended). Although, the uniform thing would probably be quite hot. I might mention that!

We barely had time to actually eat lunch because we got so carried away but we gobbled down our sandwiches eventually. I walked her back to work, wanting to spend as much time with her as possible. Then I headed down to the docks to try and find myself a job but so far, no luck. I've pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon beautifying myself and taking some more stuff to the house so that I don't have to keep popping back to Brett's. Now I'm waiting for Charlie to come back here. She just has to get changed from work and then we're heading out for dinner and a movie – classic and romantic! I can't wait!

**Saturday 18****th**** April 2009**

**2:59pm**

We had sex in the cinema! It's so not like me to misbehave like that but Charlie brings it out in me. Okay, well, maybe the sex was my idea. But she didn't take much persuading. In my defence, the movie wasn't very interesting. In the movie's defence, I barely looked at the screen before my hands began to wander. But really it was all Charlie's fault. If she wasn't so damn irresistible, I never would have had the idea in the first place.

After the film, she took me back to her place and I spent the night with her. I just hope we can continue doing this and being so happy together forever. I never want this to end. I'm certain that Charlie is 'the one', the love of my life, the person I was always supposed to be with.

This morning, I surprised her by hiring Alf's boat and taking her out for breakfast on it. She was really happy. I thought it would be nice to recreate that wonderful day we had a few weeks before, except this time when it came to kissing each other, there would be no running away. And there wasn't. We took the boat out and had just as much fun teaching Charlie to steer as last time! Once we'd settled somewhere we enjoyed the sun and ate together. It was a glorious morning and I never wanted it to end. I was sorely tempted to refuse to take us back to shore again. Getting intimate with the woman of my dreams on the deck of a beautiful boat in the sunshine is pretty much my idea of Heaven and I got that this morning. I've been wandering around in a daydream ever since!

Once we got back to shore, Charlie kissed me goodbye and headed to work. I went shopping and now, back at her place, I'm just about to make my signature dish. Ruby said she's staying the night at Annie's tonight and Leah is still away until tomorrow so we have the place to ourselves. The plan is to have a romantic meal and a romantic night. I wonder if this feeling really does last. I hope so.

**Sunday 19****th**** April 2009**

**6:16pm**

I'm curled up in bed with Charlie and I'm just spent the last few minutes watching her sleep. It's moments like this that I love so much, seeing her so peaceful, listening to her breath and feeling her so warm against my body. We've had a long but lovely day together and now she's exhausted so she's taking a nap but I can't sleep. I don't mind though. It's nice just curling up with her, writing in here and staying close. We're going out into the real world tonight and I know that Charlie is afraid. She, Ruby and I are going to the Diner for a meal and Leah is coming back from staying with her family so the plan is to tell her about us. We've been living in this dream world of love and sex and snuggles for the last few days and I guess now it's time to emerge. It's not going to be easy, I know that, but we'll get through. I think it'll be harder for Charlie than for me. I don't care who knows about us, to be honest. If I had my way, I'd be shouting it from the roof tops. But I've had longer to get used to my feelings and to accept that I'm gay. Charlie doesn't even know what she is. She's never even considered girls before. I'm the first woman she's been attracted to. She still likes guys. She's always liked them. She doesn't understand what loving me means for her life and she feels very confused. We know that people are going to charge in with all kinds of labels and accusations because that's what people do. So we need to take this one step at time, at Charlie's pace. The last thing I want to do is to frighten her or rush her or risk losing her. She means the world to me. I'd do anything to make her happy. And she does seem happy. We've got so lost in each other these last few days. I've been walking around on cloud nine and it seems like Charlie has too. I never imagined I'd ever be so lucky as to have someone as perfect as her, fall for me. This is the stuff that fairy tales are made of.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon making my signature dish or the "fishy soupy thing" as Ruby labelled it. I quite like that. I think it's found a new name! Charlie missed out on it the first time I made it here because she was still is denial about her feelings. She's asked me a couple of times to make it since because Ruby won't shut up about it so I decided to make it for her tonight as a treat. She was delighted when she got home and thankfully it seemed to meet expectations. Then to help her unwind from work, I ran her a bath and while she was in there, I lit the bedroom with candles. I got a little distracted when I went to call her out of the bath but eventually I got her back into the bedroom and she seemed touched by the gesture I'd made. I gave her a massage, which she seemed to really appreciate. Our nights together just seem to get better and better, which considering how amazing the first night was, is quite a feat. We seem to grow in confidence, communication and understanding what we both desire. I trust her completely and any initial trepidation I may have had from that first night has completely dissipated. Every time I look at her, I fall more deeply in love.

In direct response to me taking her out on the boat yesterday to recapture what a lovely time we'd had out there before, Charlie took me back out to the countryside today. We went for a walk like last time and had lunch in the same restaurant. Of course, it was a lot more romantic this time around. We weren't even considering getting together last time we were out there, although we both had untold feelings even then. It was a lovely day with lots of talking and hand holding. We planned how we were going to tell Leah and Charlie expressed how afraid she was of doing it. She told me that she was doing a talk at Ruby's school tomorrow too. I think she's amazing the way she works so hard. It's like there's nothing she can't do. That's what makes me know that she can get through anything anyone throws at her about us. She's such a strong, brave person. And even if she does flounder sometimes, I hope she knows that she's not alone. She has me and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her.

We tried and failed to keep our hands off each other all day. It's a new experience for me because I've never really done the whole relationship thing before. I've had flings, friends with benefits and the odd one-night-stand but never a relationship. I've only ever read about these kinds of feelings before where you're overcome with lust that you just need to have that person right in the moment. And I've only ever read about being overcome with love where you just want to hold that person, cling to them and express raw emotion. I've never experienced that for myself until now, until Charlie. It really is as wonderful as everyone insists it is. I'm well and truly hooked.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Saturday 18****th**** April 2009**

**14:03**

Life feels so unreal right now. It's like I couldn't have ever comprehended being this happy. We're living in this bubble of bliss and while I'm petrified of it bursting at any moment, I'm desperately clinging onto every wonderful moment Joey and I have. Ruby has been great at giving us alone-time together. I don't know if it's that she doesn't want to be around us because she's freaked out or she's just being nice. I'm letting myself believe that it's the latter. It's not hard. She's acting completely normal around us, and even asked us a tonne of questions over dinner about how we got together and when we knew we were in love. And besides, when I'm alone with Joey, all rational thought tends to fall out of my head anyway. Ideas of telling people slip from my mind. All I want to do is be alone with her, shut away from the world. Behind closed doors, all my fears evaporate. We go so much deeper than labels and social status. It's not about how we define ourselves. We just love each other and that's all that matters. I've never been one to totally relax. I've never found it easy to express myself completely. But with Joey, I can, and it feels wonderful. She makes me feel so safe. I can be completely who I am and she loves me anyway. I never thought that was possible. Everything about being with her is different to anything that I've ever experienced before and that's not because she's a woman, it's because she's Joey. When I wake up in the mornings, she wakes up with me, even if it's stupidly early. And I have no chance to be grumpy because she's lying there beside me all warm and looking so sleepy and smiley and cute. And she made it damn near impossible for me to get out of bed to go to work yesterday morning. I was so late because I couldn't get enough of her and she kept enticing me back under the covers. It was really quite unfair! But everything about Joey is adorable. I love the way that she slips out of bed when I'm in the shower and makes me coffee so that it's hot and ready for me before I get dressed. I catch her looking at me as if I'm particularly fascinating and it makes me stare back in exactly the same way. She always seems so thrilled to see me. I think I'm in real danger of losing myself in this girl and I don't even care. I feel like the luckiest person alive. This would all be so perfect if it wasn't for the whole gay thing. But then, people will come round, won't they?

On Thursday, after Ruby left us to go back to school, we had the house to ourselves for the entire afternoon and we took full advantage. In my defence, I'd had a pretty stressful day. 'Coming out', as it were, isn't the easiest thing in the world to do, so after all that tension, I needed some relief and Joey was more than happy to oblige. Plus, in all seriousness, if I'm completely honest, Ruby's anger threw me for a loop for a while. She made me question myself and Joey, even if only for a few moments. Being close again reminded me of exactly why I'm putting myself through this. And Joey does remind me. She lets me know that all that we may go through is worth it because something this amazing really can't be wrong. She is so beautiful and loving; she's so giving and kind. The more I get to know her, the more deeply I fall for her. I only ever want to be good to Joey and make her happy. That's what she deserves, especially after everything she's been through. She told me once, a while ago, way before any of this ever started that after what happened with Robbo, that she didn't think she could ever be with anybody again. She didn't think she'd ever be able to trust another person with her body or her soul. To think that she's trusting me now with both is a very special thing. And it's something that I'm going to treasure.

After dinner, I drove Joey back to Brett's and parked round the corner so she could grab some clean clothes and her toothbrush and things like that. We both agreed that Brett finding out about us could never lead to anything good. She said he'd kicked up a fuss already about her going to a gay bar last week. I tried not to express any jealousy about that vague mention. I know she didn't sleep with anyone because her first time since what happened to her was with me but I can't help but wonder what she did get up to. I know we weren't together then and I have no right but the thought of anyone even looking at my Joey pisses me off. I can't seem to help myself, even though I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm aware that if I just asked her outright, she'd tell me. She'd never keep a secret from me. She's too honest and real for that but I feel dumb asking so I'm going to keep quiet and not make a fuss about it. Besides, I might not have done anything with him but I did go on a date with Hugo in the midst of us getting together. Joey and I had nearly kissed and I flaunted my heterosexuality in her face. That must have hurt. I know it did. If it hadn't, she wouldn't have left home. And then Robbo wouldn't have had an opportunity to nearly murder her. And I wouldn't have to carry that guilt around with me for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. My point was that Brett really doesn't need to know about us. He'd completely flip. We don't need that pressure right now. I think after everything we've been through, Joey and I deserve a little tranquillity and happiness. She stayed the night and it was wonderful. I mean, the obvious was wonderful of course, but even more than that, it was special being able to fall asleep in her arms and wake up with her the following morning. I've not had the best experiences in the romance department in the past and I've woken up on more than one occasion with that awful sick feeling, wondering what the hell I did the night before. But waking up with Joey brings this peaceful, gentle calmness with it, like I'm in the right place, exactly where I'm meant to be.

Trying to get up and out of bed yesterday was almost impossible. I couldn't bear to creep out without saying goodbye. Firstly, it felt wrong; secondly, she woke up anyway and thirdly, I couldn't have coped with going so many hours without seeing her. So before I headed for my shower we cuddled a little bit. Then when I attempted to disentangled myself from where our legs were entwined, Joey wouldn't let me. She wrapped herself tighter around me and kissed me. Obviously, I had to kiss her back. To have resisted would just have been rude! Then she started kissing my neck. It's always been a sensitive spot but when Joey's lips are there... that's something else! She renders me completely at her mercy and that's exactly how she seems to want me! I pointed out that we never get anywhere when she starts that. She said we go plenty of places when she starts that and grinned at me so wickedly that I gave up all thoughts of getting up and I ended up half an hour late for work. Fortunately, I was the most senior person there that day so I got away with it but that girl really is incorrigible!

Work was long, especially knowing what was waiting for me at home. I kept drifting into daydreams about Joey, which is not productive! I slipped away to my lunch break as quickly as I could and got take out from the Diner. And it was a good thing too. I swear I could have ripped her clothes off the moment I saw her. If I'm planning on keeping our relationship a secret, I really need to work harder. Our interaction in public today was so awkward. We could hardly speak because of all the thoughts racing through our minds. We escaped to a deserted part of the beach as quickly as we could, forgot all about our food and made out for my entire break. I had to eat on my walk back to the station (escorted by Joey). I'm so lucky we didn't get caught! Police Officer Caught in Lesbian Clinch – I can see the headlines now. It wouldn't be pretty. It was hot though! I had an even worse time concentrating in the afternoon.

I drove home as quickly as possible, got changed and then took Joey to the movies. I'd genuinely intended to watch the film but Joey had other ideas. When I first met her, I assumed she was the picture of innocence. She really isn't. She was complaining of boredom before the film had even started, reaching for the popcorn and 'accidentally' missing and stroking my legs. I playfully slapped her hand away but she just giggled and started playing with my hair and stroking my shoulders before leaning over and planting kisses on any bit of exposed flesh she could find. I tried really hard to concentrate on the screen but before I knew what was happening, Joey's hand was under my shirt and well, it all went downhill from there! Yes, we were overtaken by the back row cliché. And it was fantastic!

Joey stayed the night again and we woke up a little more leisurely this morning because I didn't have to work until this afternoon. That's where I am now, although I'm taking a break that I'm not really entitled to in order to write in here. I want to capture everything that I've been getting up to these last few days but I know I won't write them down at home because when I'm there, all I want to do is be with Joey. And work has been pretty slow today so I thought I'd take advantage.

This morning, Joey surprised me by taking me out on Alf's boat again. It was such a lovely gesture. That was the first time and place that she and I really confronted our feelings, even though I did eventually run away. Apart from me fleeing, we did have such a lovely time together and it was nice to be able to relive that today. We had breakfast, which she'd organised in advance. Relaxing in the sun, eating, drinking and making love in her favourite place in the world was pretty special. I hated having to leave to come here but she said she has something romantic planned for tonight. How much more romantic can this girl get?

**Sunday 19****th**** April**

**09:18**

Joey's romantic was to make me her 'fishy soupy thing' (Ruby's description). Ruby had gone to spend the evening with Annie, which suited me just fine. It meant that I got to focus all my attention on Joey and even better than that, I got to receive all her attention! We had free reign of the house and didn't have to worry about noise!

When I got back, Joey was wearing tight jeans and that black vest that I like so much. Although, I know I've turned into a horny teenager again when all I could think about was her not wearing them anymore... Anyway, I got changed while she finished cooking and the food really was sublime. I feel even guiltier now that I missed it the first time around but I guess there's no point focussing on the past and what I nearly lost. The important thing is what I've got now. And what I've got is Joey. And that's more than enough for me.

After we'd eaten, she insisted that after my long day, I should go and relax in a hot bath while she did the dishes. I was reluctant to part from her company but she was insistent and promised a massage afterwards. I was hardly likely to turn an evening of pampering down. So, she ran me a bath, insisted on helping me get undressed and into the water and then disappeared. I thoroughly enjoyed relaxing and was delighted when Joey appeared in the doorway half an hour later. She announced that the bedroom was ready if I was. I told her I needed help getting up and as soon as she came over, I made a grab for her and she nearly fell in with me. I just couldn't stop kissing her. Half an hour apart had been far too long. She protested, saying that she still had her clothes on and couldn't get in so I quickly solved the problem.

The water was cold by the time we got out of the bathroom and into the bedroom and I discovered that she'd adorned the room with candles. It took my breath away. The gesture was just so sweet. I guess that sums Joey up really though. It feels like all she does is think of little ways to make me smile. I'm incredibly lucky to have her.

We had yet another wonderful night together and while I lay in bed with her curled up asleep in my arms, I thought about things I could do in return. So, I've settled on taking her out for the day today. When we had our day out before, when Joey first moved in, we had such a great time together and I'd love to recreate it, like she did for me yesterday on the boat. Only it would be more romantic this time, obviously.

I suggested it to her when we woke up this morning and she seemed really happy about it. I'm already dressed and she's finishing getting ready. I've asked Ruby if she'd like to go out to dinner with us tonight and she's agreed, which is nice. I feel bad that Joey and I have neglected her so much this weekend but I'm sure she understands. I hope Joey and I aren't so different in her opinion that she can't relate the feelings back to what she has with Xavier. We're also planning on telling Leah about us when she gets home tonight. I'm terrified. But I'm not going to think about it yet. For now I'm going to focus on the glorious day Joey and I have ahead of us. I'm going to focus on the goodness in my life and that goodness always comes from Joey.

**Monday 20****th**** April 2009**

**09:19**

It feels like life just went to hell. All my fears about non-acceptance and being the talk of the town just got realised. And it's all thanks to Joey's stupid, homophobic brother. Oh, we were so happy. We were bordering on sickening, we were that overjoyed and now it feels like everything is ruined and I don't know what to do. This is the biggest test yet. I love Joey so much and she truly does make me happy but I don't know if I can handle this. I don't know if I can cope with this 'queer' label (that sounds even worse than 'gay'). I'm feeling like I just want to leave her, walk out and go back to men. No, I don't even want to go back to men. I'd just be sad and alone because nobody would ever compare to Joey. How could I ever love anyone else but her now that I've experienced something so pure and wonderful? I couldn't. I feel like such a coward to even be considering walking out on her. I don't want to walk out on her. It's just a fleeting thought really. It's nothing I'd ever carry out. I love her too much to leave her. But all of this is so frightening. I hate it. I wish people would just leave us in peace.

Yesterday started off as such an amazing day. We drove out to the countryside and enjoyed a romantic day together. We walked hand in hand through the woods, wound up at the same restaurant as before to have lunch and spent a lot of time talking. I opened up a lot about my fears in regard to telling Leah (who like Ruby has now found out by accident). Joey was patient and understanding. I guess if anyone understands the difficulties of coming out then she does. She doesn't ever try to rush me and she doesn't throw the whole gay label at me either. We've pretty much settled on defining my sexuality as me being in love with her. That's the only way I can explain myself really. I almost wish I was gay. But I'm not. Maybe I'm bisexual. I don't know. I've never met another woman that I've been interested in enough to find out. All I understand about life right now is that I'm overwhelmingly, crazily besotted with Joey Collins and there's not a whole lot I can do about it. I've tried denying it. I've tried ignoring it. I've tried not being with her. But that just hurts us both. I know I've been pondering ending it but really, I know that's not an option. I love her too much. And besides, in this whole confusing situation, Joey is the only person who understands me. She gets me more than I get myself.

Anyway, after a beautiful day in the sunshine, we came back home. The plan was to get changed and relax a bit before we went out but being us, we got a little distracted. I napped afterwards for a little while. When I woke up, Joey was already awake and writing in her diary. I teased her about what she might be writing and she ended up reading me a little. She'd been writing about only ever having read about love and lust before but now that she had experienced it with me, it was every bit as wonderful as she'd heard. That makes me feel pretty good. I just hope we can keep it going through all of this.

We didn't have very much time to get ready for dinner but she still managed to persuade me to stay in bed for a little while longer. She really is very convincing. She promised to be 'quick but detailed'. How could I resist her charm? Oh, why can't things be as easy as they were that day, that moment? Why does life have to be about prejudice and labels? Why can't I just love Joey and let Joey love me without implications? Joey said to me last night that if she were a guy we wouldn't have any problems and she's absolutely right. But she's not a guy. She's a girl. And strangely, I wouldn't want her to be a guy. Yes, it would solve a lot of issues but with a different gender, wouldn't that change her inherent... Joeyness? Wouldn't I lose many of the things I love about her? I guess I just need to build myself up and attempt to be strong. We need to weather the storm and get through this. As long as we're together we can do it. If I didn't have her, I'd fall apart, I know I would.

On Sunday night, we got ready to go for dinner with Ruby. I was putting my keys in my bag when Joey came up behind me and wrapped her arms around me and kissed my shoulder. It's the small things that let me know that we're doing this for a reason. I don't think I'd cope without that loving connection with her. I asked if we could hold off telling Leah. I know she didn't want to but out of respect for me and my insecurities, she tried not to mind. She teased me about Leah not noticing when she came out of my room in the morning. We were a little late for Ruby because we got a bit distracted in the kitchen but she never needs to hear about that! I just wish that kind of thing was my biggest problem now.

Dinner was awkward. I guess it was our first foray into the outside world since we got together and it was the first time any real cracks began to show. Joey tried to hold my hand and I wouldn't let her. I wanted to. I really did but I just couldn't handle the idea of someone seeing us or what Ruby would think. Ruby and I bickered a little about the talk I'm giving at the school today. She thinks I'm personally targeting Xavier. It's not my fault! It's the subject that Mr Bartlett asked me to speak on. If I had my way, I wouldn't be speaking at all, especially now. Joey said something like she thought Ruby would be proud of me and Ruby quipped something back about not everyone being in love with me. It was intended as a joke. Joey found it amusing but I wanted the world to swallow me up. I mean, what if someone had heard? Then to make matters worse, Leah and VJ arrived. I know that Joey was desperate for me to tell her but I couldn't do it. Maybe if Leah had stayed, I might have. No, that's I lie. I'd be finding excuses now if she hadn't found out. The whole of Summer Bay probably knows already. I feel so humiliated.

I know that Joey was hurt by my silence and when Leah left and Ruby stood up and I panicked and grabbed her hand thinking she was following to tell her about Joey and I, things got ten times worse. But instinct just took over. I couldn't control myself. Joey looked so wounded, although she was trying really hard not to reveal how she felt. I promised I'd tell Leah the next day and she cheered up a little after that. I felt so bad because the last thing I want to do is hurt Joey but it was all too much.

Things were a little tense at home for a while. Leah and VJ were already in bed when we got there and Ruby wasn't far behind. Standing in the kitchen, I reached out to Joey and apologised. She accepted straight away and the atmosphere melted. She was right in what she said to me later – things really are great when we're alone together. It's just that they change when other people are around. She went to get changed into her pyjamas and I followed her. As has been fairly typical of us all weekend, we got a little carried away and then she remembered that there was a rugby game on that she wanted to watch so we went into the living room to watch together. We talked about things while we watched the game. She wanted to know what the sleeping arrangements were going to be that night. I hated to let her down by making us sleep separately but this is Leah's house and it felt wrong to be sneaking around behind her back. Poor Joey tried so hard to understand but she really didn't want us to sleep apart. I didn't want us to either. Waking up with her these past few mornings have been the most wonderful mornings of my entire existence. I love having Joey be the last thing I see before I close my eyes and the first thing I see when I open them again. I didn't want to sleep away from her any more than she did but it felt like that was the way it ought to be. It was a horrible conversation. I promised that it wouldn't always be that way and resolved that I would definitely come out to Leah the next day. There was no way I was spending another night apart from the woman I loved, especially when it upset her so much.

Just as we'd got back to doing what we do best – kissing – there was a loud banging on the door. Joey's first thought was Robbo and my heart nearly broke there and then at the fear etched on her face. Even though that monster is behind bars, she's still afraid of him. I wonder if Joey will ever truly be rid of that man and what he did to her. Will he always follow her around? She seems to have completely relaxed sexually and doesn't associate him with us – at least I hope not – but it must be so frightening to live a life where a knock on the door in the middle of the night can bring up so much panic. I assured her that Robbo was in jail and rushed to answer the door. Brett, her brother was standing there, drunk and angry. He started yelling and both of us, demanding to know why Joey had been away from home. He'd obviously twigged that she and I were together somehow and said I should be ashamed of myself. I told him that I was taking care of Joey and Joey said that we were a couple now. He said that she was sick and left. Of course, all the noise woke Leah up and she arrived just as we came bounding out of the closet. I'm really pretty lousy at this whole secret thing. For a cop, you'd think I'd be a bit better at covert operations but I'm proving to be quite dire. Three people have found out about Joey and I without either of us telling them. And this isn't even the worst part of the story.

Leah was really confused after Brett left and asked if Joey and I were seeing each other. Joey looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights and I know she was freaked about having outed me before I was ready. I told Leah that Joey and I were in love and apologised for not having told her before but that we'd been planning on explaining in the morning. She didn't really say anything but said we'd talk tomorrow and then went to bed. Joey looked set to fall apart after Brett's outburst so I rushed to her side and held her silently for a little while. We both know that this is the final nail in the coffin for her and her brother now. And with no living parents, Joey has no family left. Except for me. Ruby and I can be her family. If only I can get over my fears of being with her. She seemed so fragile in my arms, although I know she was trying to be tough, acting like it didn't matter that her brother had called her sick and told her she needed help. I suggested we just went to bed, at which point she burst into tears and asked that we stayed up a little longer because she wasn't ready to be alone yet. I said we could sleep together. I figured now that Leah knew, sharing a room really didn't matter anymore. She looked into my face with teary eyes and let me guide her into the bedroom.

It wasn't a night of passion or anything. She just curled up in my arms and we talked about the future. She asked if I'd meant it when I said that it wouldn't always be this way and I said I did. It's kind of hard to see it now, in light of what happened this morning, but I meant it last night when I told Joey that one day we'd be a normal couple just like any other. We started giggling over the idea of having our own little house and of course our own little boat, planning where we'd go on holidays and if we'd like a cat or a dog. We laughed over the fact that both of us would eventually like kids but it would make people's heads spin. It was strange not to find that conversation scary even though we've only been together for five minutes. I guess it feels like we've been together for a lot longer than that.

We fell asleep happily, which made it all the harder to wake up to what we did this morning. I woke up feeling strange and awkward as last night's encounter with Brett hit me. I know Joey was still hurting but she did her 'brave face' and was perky as a cheerleader over breakfast. All that kept going through my mind was wondering how Brett found out about us and how Leah was going to react in the cold light of day. Joey had switched from being hurt to being indignant about Brett and Leah was fine although she asked us not to make it too obvious to VJ, which is no problem for either of us. I don't want to make it too obvious to anybody. Everything was just about dealable until Xavier came into walk with Ruby to school and told me about my car.

Brett had spray-painted 'queer' on it in the night for the entire world to see. It's stuff like this that makes me want to run away and hide and forget about any feelings I've ever had for Joey. I feel awful saying it but it's true. On the one hand, I love her so much, on the other hand, how can I cope with having my car graffitied with things that aren't even true? I'm not queer! I'm not gay! I'm straight... with a curve. It's not like I'm suddenly decorating my office with rainbow flags. All I want to do is live a normal life with my girlfriend. It's not my fault that I've fallen in love with a girl. It was chance. I didn't choose it. I didn't want it! And should Joey and I end, I'd probably end up with a guy again. But I don't ever want Joey and I to end. She's the love of my life. Maybe I am 'queer'. I hate that word. It makes it sound like a sickness. Maybe I'm bisexual. Maybe I'm just in love with Joey. Maybe sexuality is an all-changing, fluid experience and people need to open up their damn minds and deal with it! And maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe none of this matters. I am beyond confused. And that really doesn't help. When people ask if I'm gay, I can't even give them an answer because I don't know and that really doesn't help my case.

So far at work, I've come out to and snapped at Watson and then snapped at Hugo who came in to ask about Xavier and Brendan, both of which were completely unfair of me. And now I've spent such a long time writing in here that I'm not even nearly as prepared for the school talk as I should have been. Today is shaping up to be just wonderful.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Monday 20****th**** April 2009**

**12:13pm**

I officially have no family. I will never forgive Brett for what he's done to Charlie. She was distraught when she left the house this morning. I'm surprised she even left, except she probably wanted to get away from me, the person who's wrecking her life just by loving her. I can't help feel like the best thing I could do for her right now is leave her. But I can't. Maybe I'm being selfish but I know that Charlie and I could be so happy together if we can just weather this storm. If I can get Brett out of my life (and I know he'll give up eventually), and the town settles down and stops talking about us, we'll be alright. It'll just take some time. We can be happy. We can be in love just like anyone else. That's what Charlie said to me last night. After Brett came storming round to the house and we inadvertently came out to Leah, she said there was no harm in us sharing a bed after all. We curled up together and ended up talking about the future – about houses and pets and kids and holidays and things like that and she said that she's looking forward to the time when we won't have to hide or feel awkward anymore. It feels nice to know that she's in this for the long haul as much as I am. Although, that was before we found out that Brett had spray painted 'queer' on her car. She still kissed me goodbye his morning but it was rushed and she was so tense and fragile. She'd switched into professional, 'nothing can touch me' mode. I hate it when she's like that. That's how she was when she was trying to fight her feelings for me in the first place and breaking through it is nearly impossible. I just hope that we can talk through it when she gets home from work tonight. I'm intending to meet up with her at lunch or something but she's not picking up her calls. This is not a good sign.

Last night, things were going moderately well. We got ready leisurely after Charlie woke up from her nap. I provided a few distraction techniques that made us a little bit late. I can't seem to help myself. She's just so breathtaking. Her beauty is intoxicating and I lose myself in her at every opportunity. I feel like I've wanted her for such a long time that to have her now makes me want to keep her close every second that I can. And she makes me so happy that I can't help but panic that any moment, she's going to be taken away from me somehow. Maybe that's why I'm so frightened about what happened today. I'm terrified that she's going to come home and tell me that she can't deal with all the crap that's getting thrown at us and she needs to go back to being straight, 'normal' Charlie again. I just couldn't bear to have been able to call her mine and then to lose her.

Dinner with Ruby was awkward but that was because of Charlie, not because of Ruby. She was obviously uncomfortable being 'out' with me. I tried to hold her hand and she snatched it away like I had some flesh-eating disease. Ruby was chatty and teased me about not everyone being in love with her sister. She was just playing. It made me laugh but it made Charlie panic. I know she was wondering who might have heard. They started bickering about the talk Charlie's giving at Ruby's school today, which I'm now worried about because the 'queer' thing is probably rife in the corridors by now. Two students saw it when we did and started laughing like the immature kids they are. Poor Charlie. I hope she doesn't get hassle. I just want to know that she's okay.

Anyway, Leah showed up with VJ. We'd planned on telling her that night but Charlie buckled under the pressure and kept quiet. And when she thought Ruby was going to tell her she completely freaked out. I'm trying to be understanding and supportive but it isn't easy. I'm so proud to be able to call Charlie my girlfriend and she's so ashamed to have fallen in love with me. I do get where she's coming from but it doesn't do much for your self-esteem. And I didn't have a whole lot to begin with. It gets a little confusing sometimes. When Charlie and I are alone together she makes me feel like the most special person on the planet. She makes me feel like a princess. She can't do enough for me; she's always got something nice to say or some kind of affectionate gesture. And when we're _together_, well, I've never felt so loved in all my life. But then the real world comes into play, other people feature and she gets nervous and embarrassed to be seen with me and it makes me feel rejected. Sometimes I don't know where I stand with her. There's some real conflict of emotion there.

Once we'd got home and Ruby, Leah and VJ were all in bed, Charlie was a different person. She was relaxed and comfortable again. I was feeling a little strange and awkward but the moment we were alone; she reached out to hold me. What can I say? I'm powerless against her beauty. I was more than happy to let her make things up to me and any negatives thoughts I had pretty much flew out of the window. I swear that girl could pretty much get away with anything. Okay, not anything. I mean, if she really hurt me or something then no amount of kisses or flashes of cleavage would win me over but for now, she has me under her thumb!

After we'd spent some quality time together, we got ready for bed and then hung out in the living room for a bit, which is where it all went wrong. She requested that we sleep separately. I tried to be a grown up about it but I felt like a stroppy teenager. I felt really sullen, even though I was desperate to be understanding of where Charlie was coming from. I just hated the thought of having to lie in her bed without her, knowing she wasn't far from me but that I couldn't be with her. The bed would have felt so big and so empty without her. I never saw myself as a snugly sleeper but with Charlie, I am. And I've not had one bad dream since we've been sharing – except for last night. I just feel so safe in her arms, like nothing could ever hurt me because she would never let them. And she would never do anything to hurt me herself either. That's a very special feeling to have and I'm going to hold onto it, despite how cold she was this morning when she left. I know she didn't really mean it. I hope she didn't anyway.

Anyway, we were talking and Charlie was trying to comfort me over having to sleep separately and promised that it wouldn't be forever when there was a loud banging on the door. Robbo immediately flashed in my mind. He always does whenever I feel afraid. Charlie jumped up to answer it. I followed. Brett charged into the kitchen wanting to know what Charlie had done to his sister. He seems to have got it into his head that I was a pretty, little, straight girl who got seduced by a big, lesbian cop. Our relationship couldn't be more mutual if we tried. It's almost funny how wrong Brett's got it. Almost. Charlie thought she was straight until she met me. I was the one who's known I was gay since before I knew what a lesbian was! The only reason Brett never knew about it was because I knew how badly he'd react. He's taking it out on Charlie and accusing her of leading me astray because she was the person who guided me out of the closet. He'd go crazy if he knew about Charlene or Robbo's sister or any of the girls I've met between them and Charlie. I think we can safely say that Brett and I now have a dead relationship. If he hadn't killed it by calling me sick and screaming at Charlie then he definitely did by spraying offensive graffiti on her car once we'd gone to bed. And in the process of shouting us down, we woke Leah and she found out about Charlie and me.

I was shaken by the time Brett left both because I knew our relationship was destroyed and also because I thought Charlie would be furious that Leah had found out before she was ready to tell her. Leah wasn't very communicative about it. She seemed shocked and said we'd all talk in the morning and then scurried off to bed. I'm not really one for tears but I admit I did cry once Charlie and I were alone in the kitchen. She wasn't angry or anything, although I think she was a bit shaken by Brett's outburst too. She just held me and we ended up curling up in bed together after all, figuring that now that Leah knew there was no need for a farcical separation that night. And to be honest, I don't think I could have coped with sleeping apart from her last night. I clung onto her for most of the night and I was restless through all my dreams.

I tried to be positive during breakfast the next day while I explained everything to Ruby, although Charlie and I were both pretty fragile. Leah came in and said that she didn't have any problems with us but didn't want VJ to know just yet because of all the upset with Roman. That's fine by me. Then everything went terribly wrong. Xavier arrived and brought us all outside to see that someone (Brett, obviously) had scrawled 'queer' across Charlie's car. Standing outside in the sunshine looking at those ugly words, with stupid school kids passing by and laughing was horrible. Charlie looked visibly shaken and I watched her just shut down. I couldn't even comfort her because I knew it would make it worse. Touching her would have just reminded her of exactly why she had to face that kind of abuse. I don't think she would have reacted well somehow.

Ruby and Xavier went to school. Leah focussed on getting VJ ready. Charlie phoned to get a lift to work instead of driving in, not wanting anyone to see the car. And I just hovered and panicked, not sure what to say. She sat at the kitchen table waiting for her colleague to pick her up, not speaking. I tried to talk. We both knew it was Brett. I muttered a few unflattering things about him but Charlie wasn't really interested. When her lift arrived, she jumped up. I grabbed her hand and pulled her back. She looked so broken. All I could do was apologise. She seemed to soften then. She told me that it wasn't my fault and she kissed me goodbye. It felt like she meant it. But then she hurried off to work, business-as-usual and didn't look back. She hasn't called me all morning or answered either of the two texts I sent. I just have to wait for her to come home and hope that everything is alright.

Once Charlie had left the house I didn't know what to do with myself. Leah made me some tea to help me calm down and we talked a little. It was actually nice to talk to someone besides Charlie about all of this. I haven't had anyone to turn to aside from her in all this time because I didn't want to spill her secrets. I mean, there's Ruby but she's Charlie's sister so if she's going to be anyone's confidante, it'll be hers. But even though Leah was Charlie's friend first, she feels more neutral. We sat and talked about how long it took for us to get together, how frightened Charlie has been about admitting how she feels and stuff like this only confirms that she won't be accepted for being with a woman. The more I thought about how Brett had behaved though, the angrier I got and no amount of tea was going to stop that. So I called him and I yelled at him. I hardly even remember what I said but it was something along the lines of 'how could you?' with a few choice swear words. I hung up on him before he'd even had the chance to talk back and the next thing I knew, he'd charged round to the house. Just the sight of him disgusted me. I hate knowing that we're related. As far as I'm concerned now, I don't have a brother. I can hardly believe that he would hurt Charlie like that. It's unforgivable. Well, no, the sad thing is that I can believe he'd hurt her like that. Brett and I had a screaming match outside the front of the house. I tried desperately to explain that I had always been gay and would always be gay but he wasn't hearing me. As far as he's concerned I was a heterosexual girl until Charlie came into my life. If only he knew! He thinks Charlie just got into my head somehow and changed me and that if I just went home with him and forgot about her than we could forget any of this ever happened. As if I ever want to go back to the life I was living before I ventured out of the closet. Charlie is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm not going to lose her now, especially not for the sake of my stupid brother's homophobic antics. I ended up storming away from him, he stormed after me and kicked the bucket of water Leah had put out to wash the car with on his way. Leah had been hovering with the phone in case things got to heated and she needed to call for help but just as things might have got out of hand, Hugo arrived and made Brett leave. I rushed inside and hid in Charlie's room. I didn't even thank him, which is pretty rude but I wasn't in a state to talk to anyone then. I hope he understands. I'll apologise and say thank you sometime when I'm feeling better. I'm sure Leah explained everything anyway. Now, I suppose it's just a waiting game. My priority is to get all my stuff out of Brett's house and leave him for good. I don't know whether I'd be able to stay here again or not but I will if I can. If not, I'll find somewhere. But I'm not staying in that house a moment longer than I have to. My other priority is to make everything as okay for Charlie as I can. I have a horrible feeling that this is just the beginning.

**Monday 20****th**** April 2009**

**7:19pm**

Well, I'm now stuck in the caravan park for the night and I don't think I could be more miserable if I tried. Brett tried to get me back to the house but I'd rather sleep on the street than be anywhere near him after what he's done.

Not content with spray painting 'queer' on Charlie's car and shooting his mouth off on two different occasions, Brett, in all his wisdom, charged down to the police station and filed a complaint of sexual misconduct against Charlie. I mean, please! What is he on? Sexual misconduct? He's making her out to be some kind of predator. That is so not how it was! Ugh, it makes me furious just thinking about it. And now I'm not even allowed to see her or speak to her until the case is resolved. I really hope they sort it out and realise the whole thing is a huge mistake by the morning. I don't want to be sleeping alone in an uncomfortable caravan. I want to be tucked up in bed with the woman I love. I just want people to leave us in peace. We're not doing anything wrong. Why are people demonising us? None of this makes sense.

After I'd finished my last entry, I got a call from the police station. I assumed Charlie had quite rightly opted to press charges against Brett but actually it was because they wanted to interview me about our relationship because he'd tried to make out that Charlie had forced me into bed or something. It makes me sick just thinking of Charlie being compared to someone like… well, you know who. As if she would do something like that. She's never manipulated me or hurt me or forced me to do anything. I was right there, happy and willing. In fact, that could be an understatement. I just can't bear to think of something so beautiful being tarnished with something so awful.

I briefly saw Charlie in the reception area but she wasn't even allowed to talk to me. She looked so broken and all I wanted to do was hold her but I was dragged off to be interviewed about the intimate details of our relationship. It was horrible. Without Charlie, I wasn't sure what to say. Was I allowed to admit we were together? Should I have kept quiet? In the end, I just told the truth. I explained that Brett had got it completely wrong and that I'd identified as gay for years and had other relationships with women. I said that yes, Charlie and I were in a relationship but that it was nothing like what it was being described as. I just hope I did the right thing. Presumably they just want our stories to match so hopefully Charlie told the truth too and we can be reunited tomorrow. I miss her so much already. I wonder what she's doing now and how she's feeling. I hope she's okay. I hate not being allowed to even talk to her. She's the centre of my world and right now it feels like everything is spinning out of control. I think the only way I'm going to manage to sleep tonight is to imagine that I'm tucked up in bed with her. I just hope this gets sorted out as quickly as possible.

**Tuesday 21****st**** April 2009**

**10:03am**

I had a terrible nights sleep. I just kept tossing and turning. All I could think about was Charlie. I just kept picturing her face and missing her so badly. And I came up with a things I wanted to say to Brett. I've said them now and I do feel a little better. He's still harping on about Charlie turning me gay. I screamed at him at the top of my lungs that I was having sex with girls when I was seventeen. Except I didn't phrase it quite a politely as that. His eyes nearly bulged out of his head and he choked on his next words. Then he stormed away and I haven't seen him since. Perhaps getting graphic about it wasn't the kindest thing I could have ever done but he deserved it.

I was still riled up when the police station called. They said that Charlie and I had identical stories and that no further investigation was necessary so the case has been dropped. I'm so happy! I'm rushing round to see her right now. I can't wait to see her again. Being apart was hell.

**Tuesday 21****st**** April 2009**

**11:17am**

Well, I arrived at the house and nobody was home. I have a key so I let myself in. Now I'm just waiting for her. I guess I should call and tell her I'm here or else I could be waiting forever and I'm so desperate to see her. I feel giddy as a school girl at the prospect. You'd think we'd been apart for weeks instead of a day. But I guess everything feels over dramatic when you're in love. And it's not like we haven't been through a lot. None of this has been easy. From the start there have been issues and this is the latest in the long, long line. Oh, I just can't wait to see her again. Right, I'm going to stop waffling and send her a text.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Monday 20****th**** April 2009**

**21:03**

I'm such an idiot. And a stubborn one at that. What was I thinking by going ahead and doing that stupid talk at school? The last thing either Ruby or I needed was that kind of hassle. And that wasn't even the worst thing that could have happened. It's just been a day of hell. First there was the graffiti, then there was the humiliation at Ruby's school and now, just to top it all off, I'm being treated like some kind of sex offender for falling in love. Brett's made this stupid complaint against me, insisting that I took advantage of his vulnerable sister and 'turned her gay'. If anyone turned anyone, she turned me! I was perfectly happy with men until she walked into my life. I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't want my life to change. I didn't want to go there with her. I didn't want to act on my feelings. But it was overwhelming for both of us and we couldn't help ourselves. There was nothing predatory about it. We fell in love. It was equal. Maybe I handled a couple of things badly, like I should have handed her case of before we ended up in a relationship, but the only reason I didn't do that was because I wasn't ready to admit how much I loved her. Oh, this is such a ridiculous mess! And these days, usually when I'm in a state like this, I talk to Joey and she makes me feel better again but I'm not even allowed to do that. I'm not allowed to talk to her or see her or anything. I don't even know where she's staying tonight. Is she at Brett's? Has she gone to a hotel? Where is she? I have no idea. I can't stop worrying about her. And I can't stop worrying about me. My entire career, my life could be on the line here, all because of homophobia. I never thought that would be something I'd ever have to face and yet here I am – queer, gay, bisexual, in love with a woman, whatever! I don't know. No, I do know. I'm not gay. I'm really not. And I'm tired of people labelling me that way. Just because I've fallen for Joey now doesn't mean I'm suddenly rejecting every relationship of the past as a lie. They were real. They may not have been love, they may not have left me so desperately besotted as Joey does, but they were still real. I'm not gay. I'm really, really not gay. I've never despised a word so much in all my life. I don't want to be part of this anymore. I just want to be normal. I can't stand to think of what people must be saying and thinking of me right now. I hate that Joey and I are such a scandal. All we ever wanted was to love each other and live in peace. None of this is fair. I don't even know if I can continue with her. Maybe if I just forget about her then I can go back to my old life and pretend she never existed. I can't bear for us to be treated like we're doing something wrong. I mean, are we doing something wrong? Did I take advantage? If I did, I didn't mean to. I'd rather die than hurt or abuse Joey, especially after everything she's already suffered. But I didn't 'turn her'. She identified as gay before I was on the scene. She's slept with several women. I know she has because she's told me about them. And she loves me. I can't have seduced her into something she didn't want. Because she does want it. She does love me. She does want to be with me. I haven't done anything wrong by her, I'm sure of it. I don't understand any of this. I just want to go to sleep and pretend it was all a bad dream.

Ruby has horrified when I showed up at the school this morning. Watson had suggested we postpone but being the stubborn mule I am, I ignored her and insisted we went. I really should have listened. It was hell from the moment we stepped inside the corridor and that little toad, Trey started making stupid jokes. I ignored him but during the talk, ironically on graffiti, he just kept on and started whispering with all his dorky friends. He kept shouting out dumb questions about my sexuality until Mr Bartlett removed him. But even with him gone, the damage was done. Ruby looked like she wanted to turn invisible. But at least she had Xavier to support her. The only person who could have comforted me at that point would have been Joey and that would obviously have been horribly inappropriate.

Joey tried to call me a couple of times and sent me a few texts but I didn't get a chance to respond and it's too late now. We can't get in touch with each other even sneakily because if anyone found out, there would be hell to pay. Watson has been really supportive though. She seemed surprised about my romantic developments, although not as surprised as I was, but she didn't judge me or anything. She took a bit of an ear bashing as I thundered back to the station.

When we got back, with me still ranting, I found Brett stepping out of an interview room. At first I assumed it was because he'd been arrested for what he did to my car but as it turned out, he'd filed this complaint against me. Everything after that went by in a rush. My colleagues have been really supportive but obviously they have to follow protocol. I've been removed from Joey's case and they hauled her in to be interviewed as well. I briefly saw her at reception and she looked so vulnerable. All I wanted to do was reach out to her but I wasn't allowed. And I wouldn't have even known what to say anyway. I've never been so lost before.

I was advised to take the rest of the day off, which I have and I've been nursing several beers since then. I'm now trying to gather my thoughts on the beach. It's starting to get dark but I have no intention of going home. I just want to sit here forever, not moving, not thinking, not crying, not doing anything. I just want to be alone. I can't stop fretting about Joey and I can't stop grieving for the mess I've made of things. I should have followed procedure. I should have been honest about what was happening at home and never left myself open to being investigated. I just hope they don't find a case to answer or I'm going to lose everything.

Yesterday I was so happy. I had a good job, a nice home, a lovely sister and a beautiful girlfriend. Today my job is in jeopardy, my home has been violated by a homophobe, my sister is ashamed to be seen with my and my beautiful girlfriend... I don't even know if I can be with her anymore. I can't live my life under this stupid 'queer' label. It's not me. It's not what I want. I love Joey from the very depths of my soul. I'm obviously not completely straight but I'm not gay either and I can't live as if I am. I don't know what the hell I am anymore. I've lost sight of myself. All of this is too hard. It's too much pressure. I'm not gay. I never will be gay. I don't want this. I can't cope.

**Tuesday 21****st**** April 2009**

**09:32**

I am a disgusting excuse for a human being. I can barely even handle writing down what I've done. I just wish I could forget about it and pretend that it never happened. But it did. And now I have to figure out what the hell to do about it. I slept with Hugo. I'm in a loving, committed relationship with Joey and I slept with Hugo. I've done some ridiculous things in my life but this takes the biscuit. How could I have even done this? I've got the most loving, beautiful partner in the world and I just throw it all away for nothing, for one night of insanity. And it wasn't even good! I mean, in a different life, I'm sure I would have enjoyed it. Hugo was everything you could want. He was everything I used to want. But now all I can see is Joey. And all I could think about was how wrong it was and how Joey was the person I'm supposed to be with. If she ever finds out about this, she'll leave me forever. I know she will. Last night was meant to prove that I was straight but all it did was prove just how much I love Joey and that I couldn't live without her. She can't ever, ever find out about what happened. It has to be a secret that I take to the grave. If I lose her now, I don't know what I'll do. I'll cope with any label they stick on me if only I get to keep her. I'm such a fool. I can't believe I did this. I'm selfish enough that I'll lie to keep her but really, I don't deserve her. Joey is so pure in heart. She's so real, so genuine, so loving and caring and kind. She deserves someone who'll treat her like a princess. She's settled for scum like me because she thinks I'm different than I am. Somehow, Joey sees the good in me. Actually, she brings out the good in me. She does make me a better person. It's just when I'm away from her that I mess up so terribly. Perhaps if I can count this as the last mistake then I can spend the rest of my life making it up to her, without her ever having to know what happened. Perhaps now I can treat her like the angel she is.

It all started last night when Hugo found me on the beach. I was just sitting in the dark, feeling sorry for myself. He labelled me as gay and it was just one person too many. I couldn't deal with people assuming that I'm a lesbian. I'm not. I don't want to be categorised as that. It's not fair. If I'm being completely honest, I was sober enough not to be able to blame on drink but I was over-emotional enough not to be thinking rationally. I just had this overwhelming urge to prove that I was straight. So I kissed him. It was okay. He's a good kisser, I guess. But when you've got gold you lose interest in bronze. Or at least you should. When I kiss Joey, the world stops spinning. The softness of her lips, the way her tongue begins to explore so tentatively and then she gains confidence in everything she does and holds me so much tighter... the way she smiles while she kisses me because we're both so happy to be together... the way she can't keep her hands to herself once we get going... all of that sends thrills through me. With Hugo it was nice but basic, stubbly and almost animalistic. Maybe once upon a time it would have been exciting. And I guess last night, it was, it must have been, in its way. But I didn't sleep with him because I wanted to. It wasn't about attraction or a desire for a connection. All I wanted was to be a normal, straight girl. More than anything, I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't the gay girl people are accusing me of being. I thought that if I could enjoy sex with a man, even though I love Joey, then there was still hope for me. But I can't even figure out if I enjoyed it or not. The earth didn't move, that's for sure. But that was probably more about the voice in my head screaming at me that this was the wrong thing to do. I know it was wrong. I'd take it back in a second if I could. I wish to God that it had never happened. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but I've never has as low an opinion of myself as I do right now. And I had to do that awful walk of shame out of his bedroom this morning in front of Martha, Xavier and Brendan. I just hope the four of them keep their mouths shut. If this gets out, Joey will leave me and there'll be nothing I can do about it. She's so vulnerable and she's been hurt by everyone in her life. She had a lousy relationship with her Dad, she lost him and her mother, she's broken all contact with her brother, there was the whole Robbo thing... I'm pretty much all she has. I can't believe I've let her down like this.

I rushed home to shower and change the minute I left Hugo's but no about of soap could make me feel clean. Then I called into work and they told me that Joey had backed up my story, there's no case to answer and everything is okay. Joey and I are free to see each other however we want. And I have the support of my colleagues, which is nice to know. I'd been so scared that they'd judge me but Watson and the others don't even care. Joey just texted me to say that she was at my place waiting for me. I'm stalling because I don't know how I can face her, knowing that I have to tell lies. I feel so guilty. I can't believe what I've done.

**Tuesday 21****st**** April 2009**

**13:41**

I've just nipped out to get some take away for Joey and I and I'm delaying things a little to spend some time writing. Neither of us had any burning desire to make proper food to eat so I volunteered to go and get some. I needed the time to call Hugo and make sure that he wouldn't tell anyone anything that happened between us. If I was ever unsure that Joey is the person I'm meant to be with, everything that happened yesterday proved it to me. I just wish I wasn't so lame that it took sleeping with someone else to show me the way. I wish so much that I could take it back.

I finally ventured back to the house and she was waiting for me as she said she would be. My heart skipped a beat when I saw her. She had her hair tied in such a pretty way and she was so thrilled to see me. My guilt tripled the moment I caught sight of her. She launched herself into my arms and I never wanted to let her go. She said that it had been torture not being allowed to speak to me last night. I can't stop picturing her sad and alone while I was... I can't even write down what I was doing. She declared that she'd never forgive Brett and encouraged me to press charges. I explained that in his twisted little way, he was really only protecting her. She said that she didn't need protecting from me with a sincerity that broke my heart. We're both in agreement about wondering how something so good can be treated as if it's so bad. We love each other just as passionately and just as innocently as a straight couple – although I fail to associate myself with any kind of innocence anymore. I just can't believe how badly I've treated the woman I love. I told her that the trauma was over now and that we were okay but I think I said it more to reassure myself. She pointed out that the only good thing about the whole mess was that we were out in the open now. And strangely, this morning, I actually don't care who knows about us and who doesn't. The whole town can talk about me from sunrise to sunset and I wouldn't give a damn so long as Joey never discovers my infidelity and I get to be with her for the rest of my life. She suggested we put yesterday behind us. I so desperately want to do that.

On my way to the Diner to get lunch, I called Hugo and arranged to meet him there. It was awkward and he made some really lame jokes but he was a gentleman. He wasn't offended by how sick I felt about what I'd done to Joey and didn't take on board the guilt I feel about using him either. He said that we both had issues to deal with that night. For me, it wasn't about him and I don't think he was particularly focussed on me last night either. I vocalised my decision not to tell Joey what happened. I don't see the point. It's never going to happen again so why hurt her with something she doesn't need to know about? I'd do anything to take it back. I know I can't but I can stop her from discovering the truth and I can make it up to her somehow, some way. Hugo promised that he would make sure Martha and Xavier don't spread the word, although he pointed out that Xavier might have told Ruby. I really, really hope he hasn't. I think my poor sister's head would explode if she knew exactly what kind of person I am. She's just coming round to the idea of Joey and me. I can't ruin it now.

Well, I've been out long enough. I'd better make my lunch order and head home to Joey. We're going to clean up the car, wipe the slate clean and start again. I'm going to make things work with Joey. I've made so many errors up to this point. I'm not going to mess up again. I'm going to do it right this time.


	25. Chapter 25

_I've had to play with the timelines a little bit over the last couple of chapters and over these next two on account of if I was following the way the episodes follow in other in Home and Away's version of "real time" then teenagers would be going to school on Saturday so it means that Charlie and Joey get to spend some more snuggle-time together before the proverbial hits the fan. I hope there are no objections! Thank you once again for all your support and wonderful comments!_

**Chapter Twenty-Five: Joey Collins Diary**

**Wednesday 22****nd**** April 2009**

**8:37pm**

Now that all the mess with Brett is done and dusted, Charlie and I have had a happy couple of days together. Things finally feel back to normal. In fact, they almost feel more normal than they were before. Charlie's still struggling and I know she's trying to keep that inside. She doesn't really want to talk about how she feels about everything that's happened but she does keep bursting out with sappy declarations of love. I'm not quite sure what I've done to deserve them but I'll take what I can get!

Charlie went out for lunch soon after we were finally allowed to see each other. Neither of us were in the mood to even make a sandwich so she volunteered to get take away from the Diner. I was reluctant to let her go and used lots of kisses to persuade her not to rush out right away. She was gone for a while and every second felt like an hour but finally she came back. We ate together and talked a little about what had happened the day before. Obviously she's still hurting over it because she's not being very open but I need to be patient and give her space. Charlie doesn't exactly find it easy to talk about her feelings at the best of times. She did express relief at the support of her colleagues though. Nobody seemed to care and obviously they didn't find a case to answer so maybe this is another step towards moving on.

After lunch, we got stuck into washing the car and getting rid of Brett's 'art'. I was surprised nobody had done it sooner to be honest. I'd been planning on getting it clean before Charlie got home from work yesterday but then I got the call from the police station and everything and so couldn't do it in the end. But as it turned out, we had a pretty fun afternoon, washing the car and getting into a water fight! It was nice to just laugh and relax and be normal together without feeling like we have the weight of the world on our shoulders.

Ruby arrived home with Xavier just as we were finishing. Charlie had soaked me so I was keen to get clean in the shower. Charlie was in the bedroom looking stressed out when I got out again. She muttered something about Ruby not forgiving her yet for embarrassing her at school and then she burst into tears and made me confirm that I knew how much she loved me. I rushed over to hold her and she wrapped her arms around me tightly, as if she needed me to support her weight. I didn't really know what to do so I just stroked her hair and her back and told her that I knew and that everything would be okay. We sat down on the bed and she apologised (as if that was necessary) and said that everything yesterday had just got on top of her. Then she kissed me in a way I haven't experienced up until now. There was just something so emotionally urgent in her. Normally her kisses are so gentle but this one wasn't. It was almost fierce. And she was still crying. Before I even knew what was happening, I was lying back on the bed and my towel had been removed. I stopped her momentarily and checked that she was okay. It felt strange to me, although not in an unpleasant way. She just kind of breathed that she needed me. So I kissed her back just as hard. We made love and again, it was different. Charlie was intent on only making me happy. I was hardly even allowed to touch her! The first time was rushed but satisfying and eventually we both relaxed and the whole not-touching thing turned into a very frustrating game! We missed dinner completely and curling up with her afterwards she seemed to get emotional again. I tried to lighten the mood by teasing her and asking if she'd turned into a stone butch. Then I had to explain that a stone butch is a woman who likes to do all the work. She was horrified and said that she was far too selfish to give up my touch full-time. I couldn't help be curious as to why she'd suddenly wanted to take charge. She laughed it off and said she just needed the practice to get perfect for me. She's already perfect. And I told her so. Then she got all sappy again and declared that she wanted to spend the rest of her life proving to me exactly how she felt about me. I think I can live with that!

She finally went for her long-overdue shower and I asked her to start treating me like a Queen by bringing me the paper. She wanted to know why and I pointed out that I was now homeless as well as unemployed and I needed to get my act together. She immediately invited me to move in. I objected, considering it's Leah's house so she sent her a text to ask. Leah replied saying she thought I already had moved back in and it was fine by her.

So, after clearing it with Ruby, who was in a fairly bad mood but still receptive to me becoming a full-timer, Charlie drove me over to Brett's to get the rest of my stuff. This time, she opted not to hide round the corner but actually came into the house with me, holding my hand. I pointed out that this was like waving a rag at a bull but she didn't care. Brett was typically aggressive and the whole experience was fairly traumatic for both of us, all three of us probably, but we got through it. Between Charlie and I, we got my stuff loaded up into the car and drove away, stopping off for take away on our way home. We really need to learn to cook more. Maybe sometime this week I'll cook dinner for all of us. It'll be a nice way of saying thank you to everyone for taking me in and for being so supportive.

So, last night we spent our first night together as a live-in couple. It was nice. She's made space for me in her room so that it can be my space as well as hers. That meant a lot to me.

I set to the task of getting a job this morning and succeeded. Hooray! It's not exactly what I was after as it's more stationary than I would have liked but it's still _something_ to do with the boating industry and it's better than nothing so it's good enough for me. I do get to go out sometimes but mostly I'm just arranging trips for people – like hour long sea view journeys and things like that. It's fine for now. I have to build up a good reputation down there, I know. I walked out of one job and pretty much everyone knows the awful reason why. And then I gave up another wonderful opportunity to go on a long haul and now everyone knows why that was too. Because I'm a big, scary lesbian! So I need to prove myself reliable around here if I'm going to get a position that I want to be in. And this job doesn't seem too bad, although it's a bit too focussed on administration. But I'll cope.

I start work tomorrow and to celebrate my new employment and the fact that she had a day off work, Charlie drove us up the coast for the day to spend the afternoon on the beach for a picnic, away from people we know. We had such a lovely time together. I wish every day could be like this. We came back down with a bump when we got home though. Leah was upset because a lunch thing with Roman hadn't gone that well. He's not coping with his blindness and he doesn't seem to want anyone to help him. Charlie had to go to work so I'm now sitting in front the TV, writing and keeping Leah company. I miss Charlie. It's going to be hard to get used to night shifts and having to sleep here without her. But at least I'm only sleeping alone because she's working. At least it's not because she's ashamed and hiding in Ruby's room or, God forbid, we've ended our relationship. Night shifts feel like the best reason out of a bad bunch.

**Thursday 23****rd**** April 2009**

**11:53pm**

I suddenly feel old and married. Charlie and I are currently tucked up in bed writing in our diaries with mugs of hot chocolate. I guess it's kind of cute.

I started my new job today and it felt really good to be back at work. My colleagues are all nice and I'm getting on well with the customers. Charlie popped in to see me in the morning on her way home from work, which was a pleasant surprise. We arranged to have lunch together and went out to the Diner for it. There were a few stares and nudges but we coped. We had a nice break together and she didn't pull away like I'd stung her when I touched her hand this time. Although, she might have wanted to. I'm not entirely sure. She tensed. But she didn't freak out and reject me. Call me what you like but I see that as progress. I got a call on my way back to work from Steve and he and invited Charlie and I to go and have dinner with him and Adam. I wasn't sure if Charlie would go for it but she readily agreed.

So, after a successful day at my shiny, new job, we drove out to see them and had a great evening. Away from Summer Bay and all the people she knows, Charlie seems to relax and not mind being seen with me, not to mention two obviously gay men. We laughed a lot. The boys interrogated Charlie within an inch of her life about whether she was good enough for me, but not in a scary way (I hope!). They then embarrassed me by revealing just how besotted I've been with her ever since we met.

On the way home, Charlie parked at the beach and we went for a quiet walk in the moonlight to finish the evening off. It felt so romantic walking along the surf with bare feet, holding hands and stopping to kiss whenever we felt like it. This is the kind of thing I've only ever dreamed about. Charlie really is the most perfect vision of beauty. I'm the luckiest girl in the entire world. I'm so happy. And I swear I'm not just writing that because she's peeking over my shoulder right now!

**Friday 24****th**** April 2009**

**5:45pm**

I appeared to be going on some kind of surprise trip for the weekend. The day started of normally enough. I had breakfast with Leah, Ruby, VJ and Charlie and then I went to work all day. Well, the only weird thing that happened was that Charlie and Ruby seemed to be arguing more than normal. I walked in on some kind of tense conversation. I guess it could either be Ruby still being mad at Charlie about the school thing. Although really, please give it up! However, with those two, it could have been something as insignificant as Ruby moving Charlie's stuff. She really is kind of possessive.

Work was really busy and I barely got time for a break but it was fun. I got home half an hour ago to find a note on the kitchen table from Charlie telling me to pack for the weekend because we were going away together. So now, I'm packed and ready and waiting for her to come home! She's far too good to me.

**Sunday 26****th**** April 2009**

**10:56pm**

Charlie and I just got back from the most perfect weekend away. She drove us out into the city and had booked a hotel. A hotel room for two women and Charlie Buckton booked it and checked us in all by herself! I'm really proud of her.

The drive was fun. We talked a lot and sang ridiculously loudly to the radio! We were pretty tired by the time we arrived so we just ordered room service and pretty much fell into bed and were asleep within minutes.

On the Saturday, we were up and out early and ready to take in the sights. We were such geeky tourists. We did the art galleries, museums (Charlie even found us a boating museum!) and everything remotely tacky that we could find, including buying overpriced souvenirs and having our photograph taken together in one of those booth things. That was fun!

In the afternoon we spotted a random play showing at a small theatre so we went to see it. She carefully warned me not to get any ideas because this was a theatre, not a cinema! As if I would! Honestly… The play was pretty funny and we both really enjoyed it.

We went back to the hotel afterwards for some chill out time and ended up taking full advantage of the king size bed. What can I say? It's a good way to relax! And if you can't get wrapped up in your girlfriend on a romantic trip away, when can you?

After dinner, I dragged her out to a gay bar I'd seen. She was hesitant. It's really not her scene but after some gentle persuasion, she was game to try it. I thought her brain was going to explode when she bumped into a couple of rather hefty drag queens. I nearly spilled my drink giggling at her fright. But she did settle and she did start to relax. We talked, we laughed, we danced and we even made friends with another group of tourists out partying on their last night. It was awesome.

Today we took everything as slowly as possible, including the drive home, although the 'registration plate game', 'the alphabet game' and 'I Spy' did get tedious after a while so Charlie was keen to speed up. Now she's tucked up in bed, like I should be but I'm feeling a little restless even though I'm utterly exhausted and I know I have to work tomorrow. Perhaps if I close my eyes really tightly, sleep will come.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter Twenty-Six: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Thursday 23****rd**** April 2009**

**01:04**

I'm working the night shift and things are pretty quiet so I thought I'd catch myself up in here. Things are so strange at the moment. I feel so overwhelmingly guilty and I'm trying my hardest to be the best partner in the world. Joey seems to be really happy now that all the Brett stuff is over but I can't bear my own deceit. Part of me thinks that I should just come out with it and tell her everything. Maybe if I'm honest about what happened and I really, really explain it then she might understand. I doubt it though. I don't even understand how I could do what I've done, so how could I even begin to explain it to Joey? I just keep picturing her face if I told her and I just can't bring myself to be the cause of that kind of pain. All I want is to make her happy. I'm just being a coward. I know it. Ruby knows it. I keep trying to find ways to let myself off the hook but no matter what I do, I'm firmly hanging there.

After I got back from getting lunch for us yesterday, Joey and I ate together. Obviously she wanted to talk about what happened but knowing the gruesome details that she doesn't, I really didn't want to discuss it. I'm terrified that she knows there's something wrong. I've been getting so paranoid that Joey knows everything and she's biding her time, waiting for me to tell the truth. But then, the way she is with me, I don't think that's possible. She's too real. She's too honest a person to play games. I don't know how I got into this mess. I feel like for the first time in my life I've got everything I didn't even know I wanted and every second I'm living in fear that it's going to be snatched away from me. And I know that if it is, I would deserve it. How would I even begin to win Joey back after what I've done?

After lunch, Joey suggested that we go and wash the car together. It was kind of cleansing for me. It was probably cleansing for Joey too. We were removing all the crap that yesterday threw at us, although more crap was slung that she realises. And we had fun while we were doing it. We had a water fight and laughed until it hurt! I enjoyed feeling normal again, and feeling normal with Joey. For a while there, I could pretend that I hadn't betrayed her and that she wasn't a million times too good for me.

Ruby came home and ruined all that, of course. Xavier had obviously rushed to school and told her about me leaving Hugo's bedroom that morning. She was furious – not to mention bewildered. As soon as Joey left to have a shower, she laid into me. Loudly. I had to beg her to keep her voice down. The last thing I need is for Joey to find out because Ruby and I are screaming at each other about it. She referred to it as my 'dirty little secret' and accused me of playing both Hugo and Joey. That's not what it was. I'm not 'playing' anybody. Okay, I used Hugo. We both know that. But I'm not anything but genuine about my love for Joey. She means everything to me. I couldn't live without her. I just wish I hadn't realised it so late.

I tried to explain to Ruby that yesterday I was messed up, confused and drunk and insisted that it should never have happened, although that really was stating the obvious. Of course it should never have happened. Just thinking about it makes me sick. I tried to keep Ruby quiet, shout her down and tell her that it was none of her business. Maybe it isn't. But it kind of is. She lives here, she's my sister, Joey's friend and housemate and with our relationship brought so publicly into her school, she's at the heart of what's happening. I can't believe I've cheapened what Joey and I have, for nothing.

Ruby was fiery and challenging as she tried to get her head around everything that I was saying. She wanted to know how I could announce that I'm gay and in love with Joey and yet still want to sleep with men when I feel like it. She's got it totally wrong. Firstly, I didn't 'announce' anything. Secondly, I am in love with Joey. And if I spend the rest of my life sleeping only with her and never go near a man again, I'll die complexly satisfied. Joey is more than enough for me. I've never been with someone so loving. No past relationship, fling or anything in between could ever compare to her - in any way. I tried to explain to Ruby that I had a stressful, horrible, crazy day that ended with me not even knowing if I'd be allowed to see Joey ever again. I admitted that things got on top of me and I made a terrible mistake but that I love Joey. So she demanded to know, if that was true, how I could cheat on her. Honestly, I don't know. I've been trying to rationalise it to myself and to Ruby that it wasn't cheating. But it was. We both know it, clear as day. Ruby then started making comments about me being in 'pretend lesbian land', which was out of line. How I identify is not what this is about. Or maybe it's exactly what it's about. I wouldn't have done it in the first place if I was comfortable in my own skin. Oh, I am so stupid!

I told Ruby that Hugo meant nothing. She countered my argument with that being the exact argument I was given by guys who have cheated on me in the past. And she's right. Whether there were feelings involved or not, whether the cheater thinks there were mitigating circumstances or whatever... it doesn't stop the betrayal hurting beyond the telling of it. All I can think about these days is my beautiful, fragile Joey and what I've done to her. She's been to hell and back these past few months and she finally trusted someone again. She trusted me. And I've just thrown it all away.

Ruby wanted to know what I was going to do when Joey found out. I've already spoken to Hugo who has promised that he, Martha and Xavier won't say anything. And Ruby has now promised that she won't say anything either, although she's obviously not happy about keeping secrets. I know she and Joey are close. Even before Joey and I got together, she and Ruby used to hang out and get along really well. I know it's not fair. But it would be so much worse if Joey knew. Nothing like this is ever going to happen again, everyone that knows will keep their mouths shut, so why bother upsetting Joey for no reason? Why risk losing her when if we can carry on the way we are? We can be so happy together. Ruby argued that if she'd have asked me yesterday, I would have assured her that it never would have happened in the first place, let alone again. She thinks I'm unreliable and probably all manner of other things. She warned me that I was going to regret this. I already do. I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. I'm going to do everything I can to make it up to Joey without her knowing why but I will never forgive myself. And I doubt Ruby will either.

I left the conversation then and sat in the bedroom trying to pull myself together when Joey appeared in her towel, fresh from the shower. She looked so innocent standing there, smiling at me. I was torn between feeling better and feeling worse. She saw the obvious stress on my face and her smile faded. It was replaced with concern. That's my Joey – always caring. I think I mumbled something about Ruby giving me hassle for humiliating her at school the previous day and then I promptly burst into tears. I still feel guilty about allowing her to comfort me, not knowing what she was really comforting me over. But then guilt is a feeling I guess I'm going to have to get used to if I'm going to keep this up. Every time she smiles at me, every time we laugh, every time we're intimate with each other... the guilt is always going to be there. I don't know how I'm going to handle that but I have to try. I can't lose her, not now. She held me and let me cry. I looked into her eyes and was suddenly overtaken by this overwhelming need to really be with her. I could bear for the last person I was with to have been someone that wasn't her. It should always have been her – always. I wanted to be with her but I couldn't bear to let her spend time fulfilling my needs. I just wanted it to all be about Joey. Maybe I needed to prove that I can love her like she deserves, that I can sacrifice my own selfishness and exist only to make her happy. She was a little confused. That's not how we've been up until this point. Until yesterday it was all about turn taking and communication but in the heat of the moment, I just wanted to make love to her, make her happy, fuse her spirit with mine and try to heal us from my betrayal. After the first time, where I know I was hurried, focussed and urgent, I relaxed a little more and took my time. Not letting her touch me became a bit of a thrill in the end as she and I got more playful with each other. It felt so wonderful I be with her again, to lose myself in her body and her soul.

We forgot all about dinner and every day things like that and she started joking around about me turning into something called a 'stone butch'. I'm still not quite sure what that is but I'm certain that's not me! I couldn't explain why I'd needed to take control, make it all about her and not allow myself to receive any of the joy that she'd normally bring me. To be honest though, I got my joy from making her happy. All I want is for Joey to be happy. I just wish I deserved to be the one to make her feel that way. I couldn't help but get over emotional with her, which must be a strange experience – a) because I'm not an over emotional kind of person, or at least I never used to be and b) because she has no idea where I'm coming from. I declared once again just how much I loved her. It made her happy.

She wanted to start looking for a job and a place to live, declaring that she never want to go back to Brett ever again. I insisted that she move in with us. It was kind of an impulse decision but it's not one that I regret. Joey living here as a guest was one thing but living here as my partner, feels different. I thought it might feel scary but it doesn't. I'm thrilled to know that she'll always be around. We wasted - correction – I wasted so much time in us getting together in the first place that I feel like we've got a lot to catch up on.

We spent most of last night moving her stuff out of Brett's place and into our home. Our home. That feels strangely warm and comfortable. I stepped inside Brett's house bold as brass, clutching Joey's hand. I hardly know what came over me but it suddenly felt like the right thing to do. For the first time since we've been together, it was Joey freaking out about us being coupley in front of people. Brett raged. We were both upset and a little shaken by the time we left. But it was worth doing. I guess we were trying to show him that no amount of graffiti or false claims can break us apart. Joey and I are in this together, we love each other, and there isn't anything he can do about it. It felt pretty good actually.

Today... well, technically yesterday but I'm too tired to really get technical, I had a day off. In the morning, Joey went out determined to find work so that she can contribute to the rent and start paying her way properly. She's been helping out so far, as and when she can but she's pretty determined to settle down, start afresh and do everything right, I think. I ended up exchanging a few unpleasant words with Ruby who was fascinated by how I could be so normal with Joey knowing what I'd done. I don't know how I've managed either. I'm pretty much treating Joey not finding out with the importance of retaining air in my lungs and if I'm strange with her, if I'm distracted or cold in any way because my own guilt is eating away at me, she'll get suspicious. Even though we haven't really known each other all that long in the grand scheme of life, Joey seems to know me better than I know myself. Well, she does in terms of feelings anyway. The only thing she has wrong is this illusion that I'm an amazing human being. I never was and I only proved that the other night.

Joey came back delighted, having organised a new job starting tomorrow morning... this morning... oh I can't even try to keep up with that. Starting when she wakes up. That makes sense. It's not one that involves much time actually out on the water but she gets to arrange trips and she's trying her hand at greeting the public and stuff, which will be good for her. I think it'll be something she excels at. She's very much a people person.

After she got home, we drove out further along the coast to spend some quality time together. We packed a picnic and had so much fun. Again, it was so nice to be normal with her and I almost forgot about all the angst for a while. Almost.

Leah was unhappy when we got home. She'd had an unsuccessful lunch with Roman. He's shut down even further than he used to be since he went blind and she's finding it hard to deal with. I feel so sorry for them both. I left Leah in Joey's capable hands and now I'm working. Well, I'm pretending to work. Obviously I'm really writing in here. In my defence, this town is hardly crime central.

**Thursday 23****rd**** April 2009**

**16:07**

I have had the laziest, loveliest day! The only positive about a night shift is that I get to lounge around all day. Although, it does throw my system out of whack, making me think day is night and night is day and everything.

On my way back home from work, I popped in to see Joey at her new work place, just to see how she was getting on and everything seemed fine. Maybe I'm biased, but I don't think there's anything Joey can't do. She's good at making people feel at ease and cared for. Ever since she moved into the house the first time, she's been cooking and cleaning and fussing over all of us like a mother hen, making sure we're all okay. It's endearing.

When I got back home, I fell into bed and slept until lunch time, when I rushed back out and took Joey for lunch at the Diner. And we lunched as a couple. In public. I won't lie and say it was easy. People did look. People did comment. But we stayed and I just about held it together when Joey touched my hand. I was teetering on the edge of panic but if I ever let my fear of being labelled as gay get in the way again, I know that I will lose her forever. If Joey is going to be my girlfriend, I need to learn to be proud of that and not ashamed and afraid of what people are thinking about me, her and us. Everyone just has to get used to it.

I walked Joey back to work and while we were on our way, one of the guys who run the hotel we went to the first night, called her for a catch up and invited us for dinner. I agreed immediately as it was obvious that Joey was really keen to go and see them. Plus, I thought it would be nice to go and hang out with her friends. So much of what we share is either just her and me or on my terms – with my sister or my friends. I wanted to do things that were about her too.

I'm now just chilling out at home in front of the TV and sleep is calling me once again, although I've got to get ready for our night out soon. I think it's going to be a lot of fun.

**Thursday 23****rd**** April 2009**

**23:57**

Adam and Steve are hilarious and ever so camp. It was definitely nice to see Joey in her own kind of situation with her own friends. She was so relaxed and none of us could stop laughing. I did get a friendly interrogation, which distressed me a little bit on the inside, although I hope I didn't let that show. I know they were just trying to vet me and make sure that I was good enough for their friend. Last week, I wouldn't have cared but now that I've confirmed to myself that she is definitely out of my league, it was a little difficult. But they meant no harm. They also spent a lot of time embarrassing Joey, telling some cute stories about her before I knew her and revealing just how besotted she's been with me from the start. That's quite nice to know! And I would have loved to have known Joey before all that trauma came into her life. She's said to me on more than one occasion that even though she tries hard not to let it matter, the thing with Robbo has changed her a lot, as it naturally would. She said she used to be a lot more carefree and bold than she is now but you know, as the days pass, I'm seeing more and more of the woman she's describing. I know her life will never be the same. How could it be? And I know she still struggles with it often, even though she doesn't voice that struggle. But I also know how strong she is and that she'll never let it destroy her. She's always going on about how brave I am but really, I'm a coward. She's the one who's brave. She's the one who makes me proud of her every single day.

On our way home from dinner, we stopped at the beach and went for a walk across the sand in bare feet, under the moonlight. It was ever so romantic. I'm not sure when I turned into a sap but here I am – in love to the point where there really is no turning back.

Now we're snuggled into bed, both writing in our journals with mugs of hot chocolate. And I'm determined to get a peek at what she's writing about me!

**Monday 27****th**** April 2009**

**14:09**

All I want to do is be able to write about the amazing weekend Joey and I had together but all I can think about is that my world might unravel at any minute. I realised this morning that I lost an earring and I was just telling Ruby and Joey about it when I suddenly remembered where I might have lost it – Hugo's. When it comes to not leaving evidence of my misdeeds, I suck. Not to mention the fact that those particular earrings have sentimental value; they were a gift from Dad for my 21st birthday. I can't bear to lose one of them but I'm not sure how I'm going to get away with going to Hugo's to find it. All that needs to happen is for Joey to see me, catch me off guard by asking where I found it, or for someone to mention that I was round there and she'll know. I keep holding onto hope that it's here somewhere. Ruby really isn't helping. Where is it? My stupidity seriously overwhelms me sometimes. And it's such a horrible thing to happen after our lovely weekend away.

On Friday we all had breakfast together and then Joey hurried off to get showered and Leah went to work, leaving Ruby to start hassling me about my infidelity. I begged her to leave it and stop punishing me. She told me that someone ought to punish me and remind me of what I've done because I seemed to have forgotten and Joey has no idea and worships the ground I walk on. I told her in no uncertain terms that I was aware of it every single second and I didn't need her to keep mentioning it. I mentioned that I was taking Joey away as a surprise for the weekend. Ruby knew it was a guilt trip in its most literal form. She's right. But it did feel like the right thing to do. Whether it's rooted in me seeking forgiveness from someone who doesn't know that she needs to give it, or not, Joey deserves to be treated nicely and I know she'll enjoy getting out the Bay for a few days. I booked a hotel and planned to do all sight-seeing stuff and spend some quality time together. Joey nearly walked in on us arguing. I've begged Ruby not to keep talking about it, especially when Joey is nearby but she's like a dog with a bone. We didn't tell her what we were fighting about and she let it drop as 'sister business'. I'm deflecting my feelings onto Ruby. I know I am. She's absolutely in the right. I've done wrong by Joey, now I'm being deceitful and I dragged her and Hugo into it all as well. I wish so much that I could take it all back.

I worked in the morning and then came home to pack my stuff for the weekend and leave a note for Joey to tell her to pack too. I wanted our trip to be a big surprise. When I got home she was beaming at me and sitting there all packed and ready to go. She launched herself into my arms in that adorable way she does whenever we've been apart because the boring, real world gets in the way. I love having her in my arms. She just fits so perfectly.

I got changed out of my uniform and then we set off to our hotel, which was really nice. Joey was stunned when I walked up to the desk and checked us into a room with a king sized bed without flinching. Inside I was developing a twitch but outside, I was cool, calm and collected. And I didn't miss the raised eyebrow from the prissy receptionist though. Joey unpacked like we were moving in. She's such a little home-maker. I'm glad that she's living with Leah, Ruby, VJ and I permanently now. It must have been hard to keep moving and feel so unsettled. Well, she's found a permanent home unless she discovers what I did. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen but if the time comes where I have to tell her, even though I know I'm probably doomed to failure, I will do everything I possibly can to convince her to stay.

We ordered room service for dinner and then pretty much fell asleep exhausted. We were awake early the next day though and ready for as much entertainment as we could handle. We had such a great time being dorky tourists. We did galleries, museums (even a boat one, which got Joey ever so excited); we saw a play and collected tacky souvenirs before retiring to the hotel room for a few hours. In the evening Joey dragged me out to gay bar. I admit I was pretty reluctant but she was really keen so I gave in. Actually it was pretty fun, once I'd got used to a world where the social conventions that I understand had flown out of the window. In Summer Bay, kissing Joey in public would make us stand out like sore thumbs. Here, the few straight couples we saw seemed out of place somehow, although there was a great feeling of unity, like you could be whoever you wanted to be and nobody would judge you. I admit I liked it, although I didn't know where to look when I saw my first real-life drag queen. Joey found my reactions hilarious. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not! But we drank, we talked, we danced, we laughed and we made friends with a small group who invited us to join them at their table. It was a nice place. I relaxed. And it was so good to feel completely normal with Joey in public.

We took Sunday really slowly – good-morning sex(!), eating breakfast and driving back home. I crashed straight away although I was aware of Joey's absence. She was feeling restless and had got up in the night to distract herself before finally coming into me in the early hours.

But reality set in first thing and now I'm so tense I might explode. Everything was rushed today. Well, I was rushed and so was Leah. Joey and Ruby were fine and relaxed. I was fretting and distracted. Ruby was sarcastic. Joey was helpful and tried to help me remember when I'd lost my earring. That's when I realised that I'd lost it 'that night'. I saw Ruby join the dots and Joey remained oblivious, feeling sorry for me. She said she would offer to help me retrace my steps but it would be pointless because we weren't together. Nope, we weren't together. I was busy betraying her with someone else. Once Joey had disappeared for a shower, Ruby just had to state the obvious, complete with a little hand gesture that probably would have made me laugh if it wasn't about me. Mostly I was just disgusted and snappy.

I've been on the edge about it all day. I've been distracted at work and fighting tears every time I even think about what I've done and how it could all come out now. Maybe I should just confess? I'm not sure I can live a life dealing with the constant fear that she's going to find me out. And what if she does find out in weeks, months or even years? Then what? She'll think everything we have has been a lie. And it hasn't. I do love Joey. I need her. She's the love of my life. I just made a stupid mistake. I don't know what to do for the best anymore. I've been trying to call Hugo all day but he's not picking up. I've left message after message and not heard anything back. If only I could speak to him, he could find the earring, I could come up with an excuse for where I found it and then everything will be okay again. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself.

Joey and I had arranged to have lunch at home so I had to gather myself together so that I could be normal with her. It was easier than I expected. Joey was in happy and adorable mode (is there another mode with her?) and we chattered away nicely. She was over the moon because some girl she'd gone to school with came to see her at work and was sympathetic over what Brett did to the car. It turns out that even though Joey wasn't out, everyone pretty much knew she was gay and they didn't care. She was so sweet with her little commentary. She said she didn't have any friends at school – but in an amused way, not a depressed kind of way. I would love to have known her back then, seen who she was and what she was like. It sounds like life was pretty hard and pretty lonely but she obviously survived pretty well to have flourished into the beautiful woman she is today. Anyway, she was surprised that coming out had been so easy. They'd all known anyway. She finished with "I just wish they'd told me." It was cute. Everything about Joey is cute.

After she left, I tried again to look for the earring. Ruby found me and pointed out the unlikelihood of it being in our house. For once she seemed to be sympathetic as she listened to me stress over not being able to get in touch with Hugo. I know she freaked out at first about Joey and me but she's swung round to the idea pretty quickly. She gets on well with Joey and she doesn't want us to break up over this any more than I do.

Now that my shift is over, I don't quite know what to do with myself. I've been writing in here forever, there's nothing on TV, I'm not in the mood to even go for a run. I'm a mess. And Joey will be home soon so I have to get my head together. I can't keep letting her down.


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Monday 27****th**** April 2009**

**5:49pm**

Life was the picture of happiness this morning and now I feel like I'm in hell. Charlie, my Charlie, the woman that I love and trust with everything that I am is nothing but a liar and a cheat. When I confronted her just now I so desperately wanted her to tell me I was wrong and that I'd misunderstood but she confirmed that I knew the truth. She slept with Hugo last week behind my back on the night that she and I were forced apart because of Brett. I feel sick just thinking about it. How could she have done this? How could she have not told me? I just… I don't understand. And it was a week ago. A whole week ago. I look back over how happy we've been since then, or at least how happy I've been and I'm embarrassed. Has Charlie been laughing at me this whole time? There was me thinking that she and I were so strong and that there was nothing we couldn't face and all that time she'd… And she slept with him on Monday night and with me on Tuesday afternoon. No wonder she was so different with me. I thought she was just being loving but perhaps I should have realised there was an ulterior motive. I'm such an idiot. And what makes it worse is that everyone knew but me. Hugo (obviously), Ruby, Xavier and goodness knows who else. They've all been deceiving me. They've all been thinking, hey that Joey, what a moron – wandering around in a little dolly daydream, believing that Charlie could really be in love with her. I don't even know who Charlie is anymore. But she's not even close to whom I believed her to be. The Charlie I knew I loved was kind, genuine, honest and caring. And she's gone. What I don't understand is why she'd put us both through everything we've suffered if she was only going to throw it all away again for a one-night-stand? That doesn't make sense. She swears she loves me and not him but surely there must be some feelings there? Why would she break my heart like this yet again if there weren't? How could she do this to me? To us? I'm so confused. I can't breathe. If I didn't love her so much I'd hate her.

Today started off so normally. I was quite happy living in blissful ignorance. I had breakfast with my 'family' and was busy fussing over Leah who was in a hurry to get to work but I was insistent that she had to eat at least one slice of toast, even if it was while she was travelling. I can't help wondering now if Leah knew. I know that Ruby was aware of what Charlie did. But I can't blame her for not telling me. Charlie's her sister. What could she do? I assume that's what they've really been arguing about all week. Maybe Ruby wanted Charlie to tell the truth. I wish she had. I mean, I don't know if I could have forgiven her then but I might have been able to try at least. Now, there's no chance. I can't stand the sight of her. I never, ever thought I'd say that about Charlie. She's been my sun, my moon and my stars for so long and now everything is lost. How could she betray me like this?

I guess, retrospectively, everything started to unravel at breakfast. Charlie walked into the room distracted because she'd lost an earring. I had no idea then that one earring was going to change my life and wreck my entire happiness. I just feel like everything she's done this week, all the declarations, that romantic weekend away, the sex, the kisses, the time with my friends, going to the gay bar, even the stupid boat museum, was all a lie. It's been tarnished by her betrayal. She was only doing it because she felt guilty for being a cheating bitch, a cheat. She's not a bitch. I can't call her that. I can't bring myself to do it. Looking at her tonight with the truth out there, she looked as broken as I felt. Well, I guess she shouldn't have fucked Hugo then! Ugh. I'm going round in circles here! I can't stand her and I love her all at the same time. None of this makes any sense at all. Charlie, why did you have to destroy us?

I worked all day and bumped into Casey from school. She'd heard about what happened with Brett and wanted to offer her support, which meant a lot to me. It was weird because back then, I wasn't out and I hadn't realised that pretty much everyone had clocked me. I giggled with Charlie about it later that I wish they'd told me about it at the time! It might have made it easier to come out and accept who I was. In light of recent events, it makes me wonder, how life might have turned out if I'd accepted myself and come out earlier. Would I have ended up living here? Would I have ended up in the violent situation I did? Would I have met Charlie? Would I change that if I could? I honestly I don't know. Charlie breathed life into me. She gave me my self-respect back. She let me know what it's like to love and be loved. She took me to places that I've only ever dreamed about. But then, did she really love me? How can she when she's done this? Has this whole thing been a lie? But why would she lie? Why would she go through all of this for nothing? Why am I asking myself the same questions again and again and again? Maybe I should talk to her. No, I can't. I can't see her. I never want to talk to her or see her ever again. Yet again she's broken my heart. I swore I'd never allow myself to be vulnerable with another person, not after what Robbo did to me but I trusted Charlie. I trusted her with my heart, with my body and with my soul. I trusted her with everything I had. I told her exactly how difficult it was to let myself be with somebody again. She knew exactly how frightened I was and she still let me think she was the one. She still let me think I was doing the right thing. Not so long ago, all I could associate my body with was pain and violence, humiliation and trauma. I was terrified of being undressed with her, of letting her touch me, kiss me and be intimate with me. She healed me from that and I was so grateful. But now I just feel cheap, like none of it was real, as if she wasn't the person I should have allowed myself to do that with. And then I end up feeling guilty because despite what she's done to me now, I shouldn't take away what she did for me then.

I keep losing my concentration. I was meant to be trying to write about my day. But I guess I should cut myself some slack. It understandable that I'd be a little distracted by the fact that Charlie just destroyed every ounce of happiness I've been feeling for the past week or so. Seeing Casey again was really nice. I know we weren't exactly friends at school. I didn't really have anyone I could call a friend back then. I was a loner, a loser really. But she was nice enough. She never hassled me or gave me a hard time. She was pretty as well. It made me feel good today to know that she was on my side over Brett's. Everything felt good this morning. I was so happy at lunch time, it was bordering on sickening. I remembering chattering away to Charlie and now all I can wonder is what was she thinking? Was she really listening to me or was she only thinking about her earring and fretting about getting caught? And was her concern about getting caught because she loves me or because of her own pride? This time yesterday I thought I understood her. I thought I knew her. I thought we understood each other.

I went back to work and on my way back home I popped into the Diner to ask Leah if she minded me cooking pasta for dinner tonight. I think I mentioned the idea in here last week. Charlie and I get too much take away and I had the stupid notion that cooking a meal for everyone would be a nice gesture. And I specifically chosen pasta because Charlie likes it so much. Once again I feel like a total fool. Here I am, paying attention to all the small details about her, soaking up everything I can because I love her so damn much. Here I am, finding every way I can to please her. And there she is, flipping on her back, spreading her legs for Hugo and letting him do all kinds of things to her. Okay, I just made myself feel nauseas. And tearful. I want to be the only one that gets to be with Charlie! I want to be the only one who gets to kiss her and hold her and make love to her. I want to be the only one who makes her climax, who makes her happy. What if she's just been pretending all this time? What if I never satisfied her? What if everything she's done for me this week has been her desperately trying to make things work because she does love me but the physical side isn't there? What if she's been faking it all along? Do I even want to know if that's the truth? I'm not sure I could handle it. But if all these questions keep spinning round in my brain then I'm just going to get too dizzy.

While I was at the Diner, Pippa came in and dropped off a lost phone. It was quickly identified as being Hugo's. I offered to take it over to him, feeling like I still owed him for helping me out with Brett last week. If only I knew! God, I wish I didn't know. No, I'm glad I know. I just wish Charlie had grown a pair and told me herself instead of letting me discover her lies myself. I found the earring while he was trying to give me a voucher for a free diving lesson. I don't even know why he did that. I mean, didn't he feel guilty? Why would he want he want to spend time with me knowing that he'd slept with my girlfriend? That doesn't make any sense. If he hadn't tried to promote his stupid business, I never would have spotted the stud. I challenged him about it and his panic just confirmed everything I feared. He lied and said that it was Martha's but I knew. I knew it was Charlie's and I knew with perfect clarity how it had got there. Suddenly everything fell into place. She's been so attentive. She's worked so hard on being relaxed in pubic. She's been overly romantic. And on that Tuesday, the very next day after she did the deed, she was so broken. I thought she was overwrought because of Brett but now I realise it was guilt eating her up. No wonder she was so desperate to confirm how much she loved me. No wonder she wouldn't let me touch her during sex. She made me think that afternoon was about something else, that it was about making me feel special and loved. But it was about her feeling dirty. She essentially brought Hugo into our bed. She went from him right back to me. I hope to God that she showered first.

I had to trick him into revealing the truth. I made out like Charlie had told me everything. He was relieved and spilled everything, including the fact that Ruby and Xavier knew. Fighting tears, I fled. Charlie was on the phone when I stormed into the house. She looked stricken. I presume Hugo had figured out that I was bluffing and phoned ahead to warn her that I'd discovered her dirty, little secret. Maybe I should have taken some time out to think about what I wanted to say to her but instinct took over and I charged right over to tell her what I knew. I told her that I'd found her earring and that she'd never guess where, except yes, she would because she knew where it was the whole time. She looked like she'd gone into shock. She just kept staring at me, as if she was numb and didn't know what to say. I accused her of sleeping with Hugo. I laid it out as a statement of fact and once she'd found her voice, as small as it was, she admitted it was true. I turned to leave and she begged for a chance to explain. I didn't want to hear it really but I guess I hoped for something, anything that would make it not as bad as it was. Turning back, I asked if she loved him. She immediately said no and that she loved me. Well, she has a funny way of showing it! And I told her that. She can provide all the intimacy and gestures she likes but sleeping with some guy behind my back doesn't generally suggest that she has any kind of genuine love or respect for me, does it? Charlie insisted that Hugo was a mistake. She apologised and told me that she didn't tell me because she didn't want to lose me. I'd like to say that I walked away from her angry and indignant. In all honesty, it took everything I had to leave. I think it probably looked easy but it wasn't. I was on the verge of cracking and telling her that it was okay and I could forgive. I still want to forgive. I wish I could. She looked so broken. But it hurts too much. I can't bear to think of what she did. It was fight or flight. I could have stayed and argued with her. We could have screamed and cried together. We could have got engaged in all the drama and said a tonne of things we'd only regret or I could have left. So I chose to leave. It was too much for me to stay in that room. I couldn't bear to keep looking at her, staring into her in face as she fought tears and feeling both our pain coming off us in waves, threatening to drown us. As I turned away, she grabbed my arm, wanting me to stay. The touch of her hand, knowing where it had been was enough to tip me over the edge. I hissed at her not to touch me. I actually growled. And then I fled. I walked around for a while and then sat down to write. Now I'm getting restless again so I'm going to start walking. I need to try and clear my head.


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Monday 27****th**** April 2009**

**22:12**

Joey knows. My life is over. And I completely deserve it. I feel like shit.

**Monday 27****th**** April 2009**

**22:54**

It all started when Hugo called to say that he'd accidentally revealed everything to Joey. She'd figured it out and tricked him into it. Idiot. No, that's not fair. It's not his fault. It's mine. Everything is my fault. I can't get the image of Joey's beautiful, hurt face out my mind. I will never be able to. How could I do this to her? How could I be so stupid? I can't even write about this.

**Monday 27****th**** April 2009**

**23:32**

Joey was behind me the moment I'd hung up the phone from Hugo. She looked so angry and betrayed, disgusted and in disbelief that I'd destroyed everything we have. She mirrored my own feelings. I'm disgusted with myself. All my guilt came rushing out into the open but I was struck dumb and immobile and I couldn't articulate myself. She opened with sarcasm, saying she'd found my earring and that I'd never guess where, only I would because I'd known all along where it was. I realise now that I should have told her. I thought that by making things up to her without revealing the truth, things would be better but it's only made things worse because it makes all the joy we've shared this week look like a cheap lie. I can picture her all alone right now, analysing everything we've said and done. She accused me of sleeping with Hugo. I stared at her. What else could I do but admit it? She turned to leave. I panicked, found my voice and begged her to hear me out, although I didn't know what I could possibly say to explain myself. What excuse is there for cheating on your partner, especially one who has done nothing but treat you like a Princess since before you even got together? I've put Joey through hell from the moment I realised I was attracted to her. I've pushed and pulled her in so many different directions. I kissed her and then I ran away. I came back and told her I couldn't be with her. I sent her signals and then tried to convince her that it was all in her head. I finally allowed us to be together and then I cheated on her. I hate myself for what I've put her through. And it would be no surprise to me if she hates me now too. I deserve to be hated. I never deserved her love in the first place. That doesn't deserve me craving it though. It doesn't stop me needing it and desperately wanting it back.

Joey's first question was: did I love Hugo? The idea was ridiculous. I'm not even remotely into him. I was using him because I was so messed up. I insisted that I didn't and that I loved her. She pointed out that I had a funny way of showing it. I tried to explain that it was a mistake and that I was sorry. I said that the only reason I hadn't told her was because I was afraid of losing her. Unsurprisingly, that didn't wash as a valid argument and she turned to leave. I just couldn't bear to have Joey, my beautiful Joey, walk out of me. Instinctively, I reached out to hold onto her. She whirled round and snarled at me not touch her and then stormed out. I have never seen her like that before. I didn't know she was even capable of that level of anger. I was taken aback. That is not my Joey. I think even I underestimated the level of hurt I've caused her. How can one stupid mistake cost so much? Once again, like it's been with everything with Joey, I have never felt like this before in my life. I've never loved so deeply, I've never been so lost and now I've never felt so guilty or so regretful. Everything with us is so extreme.

After she left, I broke down. I didn't even manage to sit on the couch. I just fell in a heap on the floor and let sobs wrack my body. I couldn't breathe. My lungs ached to the point that I thought I was going to have a panic attack. It took a long time before I could even consider pulling myself together. The only reason I was able to move was because I had to rush to the bathroom to throw up. Even though I was threatening to run late for work, I made a detour to go and see Hugo. I had to find out exactly what he'd said to Joey. I needed some kind of clarity. As soon as he opened the door, I bombarded him with questions about exactly what he'd said. I knew it wouldn't really help but I hoped that by finding out word for word what Joey knew, maybe it would guide me as I tried to resolve things with her. I know I was clutching at straws but it was all I had. It's still all I have even though as every second passes I become more painfully aware that I've lost her. Joey won't come back to me and why should she? It's over. I've lost the best thing I've ever had.

Hugo was obviously feeling guilty, even though it wasn't really his fault. He said that Joey found the earring and made out that I'd told her about what happened and he believed her. He apologised. But all of this my fault. I _should_ have told her. I was an idiot not to. Maybe if I had, if I'd have broken it to Joey gently, she may have found a way to forgive me. I doubt it, but she might have been willing to try. When I last saw her at the Caravan Park tonight, it sounded like the thing she was most upset about was the deceit, the fact that I'd gone from Hugo to her without mentioning anything. Maybe if I had, things wouldn't be quite as messy as they are now. But I guess it's not helpful to live on 'what if'.

I was tearful when I was talking to Hugo. I let him hug me even though I knew Joey would hate the idea of me even talking to him, let alone having any kind of physical contact. I felt like I was betraying her all over again but I needed someone to be kind to me. He asked where she was but I didn't know and I had to start my shift so I couldn't even look for her. I tried hard to fight the urge to break down again, which is when Hugo reached out to me, just as Martha walked in. I felt horribly awkward and rushed out. The last thing I need is for someone to mention to Joey that I was with Hugo again – even though we weren't doing anything. She'd walk even further away from me, if that's possible. I hate myself for losing her.

As I was leaving, I got a call from work. I assumed I was about to get told off for being so late but it was to order me straight to the caravan park where a fire had broken out.

The fire was already out by the time I got there and the services were dealing with the aftermath. I went straight inside the house to figure out what had happened. Miles was inside with Jai, Ruby and surprisingly, Joey. She fled the moment she saw me. All sense of professionalism flew out of the window then I chased after her, catching up outside on Miles' back porch. She looked so fragile, obviously not wanting to talk to me. I was choked up again, having only just pulled myself together. There was so much I wanted to say but everything tumbling out of my mouth wasn't sounding right. I begged her to give me a chance to explain. She did stay but I knew she didn't really want to hear anything from me. She looked torn between wanting to hear me say the right things to make everything alright again and wanting to scream and shout at me, hate me and swear to never forgive me for as long as she lives. I so desperately want to say the right thing but really, is that possible? I told her that I knew how stupid I had been and that it had been a mistake. I tried to explain my reasons for doing what I did – that I'd felt so awful about Brett's claim against me and that I hadn't even known if I'd ever be allowed to see Joey again and that that night everything had seemed so wrong. But it sounded lame even to me so goodness knows how it sounded to Joey. She challenged me to admit that I'd slept with the first man I'd found to prove that I wasn't gay. And she's right. That's exactly what it was about. That's how weak and pathetic I am. I managed 'probably' and she looked utterly disgusted. I guess I've fallen off the pedestal she put me on the day we met.

Joey wanted to know if I'd enjoyed it. I've been dreading the question since before she even found out. The honest truth is that I don't know. I was hardly even present in my body during _it_. Hugo did all the right things, made all the right noises, went at the right pace. On a different night, in a different life, I would have enjoyed it. But now, no, not really. My head was, as ever, as it should be, full of Joey. The only person I can love, the only person I can enjoy being with, the only person who can get that kind of reaction out of me, is her. So on the one hand, if I hadn't been so lost, I would have enjoyed it. But on the other, I didn't. I avoided the question tonight because neither yes or no would have been truth or would have sufficed. If I'd have said yes, it would have destroyed us forever and there would be no turning back. If I'd have said no, she would have wanted to know why I'd cheated on her for nothing – the least I could have done was enjoy doing it. So I just begged her not to let this whole thing matter and insisted yet again that it was a huge mistake. She told me then that how and why it happened wasn't the issue. The thing that hurt most was that I'd gone from Hugo's bed, back to ours. That's what makes me think that if only I hadn't lied about it, maybe we'd be in a better position to work through all this. There was a time when Joey would have done anything for me but now I've lost her. She told me that what I've done makes her feel like I mean nothing to her. That's what breaks me. I can't bear for her to think that. How can she think she means nothing? She means everything! Well, I guess she's got every right to think that really. I've not exactly demonstrated how much I love her. I've been pretty inept at treating her as she deserves to be treated. In fact, I've treated her the opposite of how she deserves to be treated. I thought I was doing so well this week by doing everything I could to make her feel special but I was a fool. Now I've just made her feel cheap and used. Everything I tried to do to make her feel loved, appreciated and adored is now tainted by my deceit. I did it because I loved her but it's marred by my guilt. It was rooted in what happened with Hugo. She had all these memories in her head – the laughter, the conversations, the sex, the trip away, the dinners, spending time with her friends – everything we shared, she had them as beautiful things but now they're all ruined. I ruined them. I hate myself for what I've done to her.

Ruby interrupted us unwillingly. I had a job to do and I was being nudged to do it. After some lingering looks between Joey and I that I never wanted to end, she walked away. There was so much pain her stare. I hoped that if we stared at each other long enough, she'd break and come back to me somehow. If she could read my expression, see the sorrow in my eyes then she'd know how bad I felt. I just kept willing her to relent, fall into my arms and let me make things up to her. But she didn't. She left. I got back to work, taking statements and making sure everything was safe and everyone was okay. We're still not sure how the fire started but somehow it did and Geoff and Claudia, who were having sex in one of the vans, nearly died. Summer Bay is clearly learning a lesson about sex the hard way, myself included. As I was leaving, Ruby pulled me aside to ask if I was okay. She'd figured out that Joey knew about me and Hugo. I gave her a muted nod because speaking about it would only open up the floodgates again. She gave me a hug and I rushed off. Now I'm sitting at my desk pretending to work but I can't stop thinking about the state my life is in long enough to even consider pressing on with this stupid fire.

**Tuesday 28****th**** April 2009**

**05:47**

Tonight is shaping up to be the longest night of my life. I've worked the fire case to death and Joey has run around in my head all night. I've cried, I've paced, I've snapped at anyone who dares to come within a couple of paces of me and I've cried a little more. I've drunk so much coffee that I'm seeing spots and my hands are shaking. And great, now I'm crying again.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I can't stop thinking about Joey and wondering what she's doing now. Where is she? Would she have stayed at home? Is she lying in our bed right now? Is she asleep or awake? Or did she leave home? But where would she have gone? The caravan park is too chaotic and the only local hotel is the same one that Robbo nearly killed her at so surely she wouldn't go there. But then, maybe the place she nearly died at would be preferable to a place she's shared with me. I don't know. Would she go to Brett's? I mean, he was right about me, after all. I am no good for her. Maybe Joey's gone back with her tail between her legs, told him she's sorry and asked to go back. I hope not. But that's what she did last time I hurt her. Why do I keep hurting her?

I know I need to do something – and fast. I just don't know what. We need to talk. But every time I try, I don't have the right words to say and Joey just ends up leaving as upset as she arrived. There is nothing I can do to explain my position. There's no reason or excuse for what I did. She was hurting just as much as I was that night. She didn't know whether she would see me again either but she didn't jump into bed with someone else. Will she now? Would she do that to me to get her own back? What if she does? She could be off now in some gay bar getting it on with some random, beautiful woman and be getting ready to shove it in my face tomorrow – ha, Charlie, I can cheat too! And I wouldn't have a leg to stand on because it wouldn't even be cheating. I think I can safely say that I've been dumped, after all. Would she do that? No, she wouldn't. She wouldn't hurt me like that. Oh, why did I even have to let that horrible image enter my head? Now I can't forget it. I was so jealous when she told me about going to a gay bar when we weren't together before and I'm getting paranoid again now. I can only imagine how bad Joey's feeling at the thought of me and Hugo. How could I do this to her?

I wonder if it's worse that it was a guy. Would it be better if I'd gone with another woman? No, I don't think anything could make this awful situation worse or better somehow. It's pretty much as bad as it could be and it's staying that way. I've lost Joey. But I won't give up. I'll drive her crazy with persistent begging for forgiveness and I won't let go even though I know it's pointless. I've had so many chances with her and I've blown all of them. You don't get given a gift like her and then throw it away only to be allowed to pick it back up again. Life doesn't work like that. I should have known what I had when I had it. I realised too late how perfect Joey was. Regardless of gender, Joey is the most incredible person I have ever met in my entire life. And she loved me. She was willing to sacrifice her family for me; she gave up a chance to do a job that she loved and to travel, all for me. She would have done anything for me and I've just thrown away our chance at happiness for nothing. We both know she deserves better than anything I could have ever given her.

**Tuesday 28****th**** April 2009**

**09:04**

Joey moved out. I came in this morning hoping that she'd be around but Ruby and Annie were on their way to school. Ruby asked Annie for some privacy and then delicately told me that Joey had moved most of her stuff out last night. She said that she'd be back later this morning for the rest of it. Ruby has been really sweet. We both understand why Joey can't forgive me. Neither of us would or do forgive me either, I don't think. But Ruby has been kind and sweet and supportive. She put her arms around me and kissed the top of my head before she went to school.

I found Joey's Ipod between the couch cushions and I've basically been clutching it and crying ever since while curled up on the bed, hugging the pyjama top she left under her pillow. I feel sick. I just want to rewind time and take back what I did. But I can't and I need to get over that. I need to focus on trying to make it right. If I know anything, I know I can't live without Joey Collins. Now that I've experienced what it's like to let go and be with the woman I love and forget about judgements and gossip and scandal… I can't lose it for the sake of some stupid mistake. I have to find some way of making it up to her. I just don't know how. But there must be a way. There must be. Please, please let there be a way. Surely she can't love me as much as she says she does and still be able to find walking away so easy?

**Tuesday 28****th**** April 2009**

**14:08**

She's not going to forgive me. All I can do now is give her space and hope that at some point she'll miss me enough to come and take me back. I'm aware that this isn't exactly a pro-active approach but what the hell else can I do?

I waited around for Joey this morning, knowing that she would be dropping by to collect the rest of her things. I was making coffee when I heard the door go and I bounded into the living room like a Labrador. She stopped dead when she saw me and said Ruby had led her to believe that I wasn't home. I said I was. Obviously I was playing the 'state the obvious' game. She figured Ruby had lied. Obviously Joey was joining in with the game too. I begged for the chance for us to talk properly. She insisted that she didn't have time and started packing up the rest of her stuff. I begged some more and she relented, albeit briefly. I told her again that Hugo meant nothing to me and she looked like she was going to cry. She said that she didn't know whether it would hurt more or less to think that I had feelings for someone else or to know that I had thrown our relationship away for the sake of a one-night stand. I stupidly said I hadn't realised what I was losing and she looked at me like I'd slapped her. She asked what I thought was going to happen.

"Did you think I'd say oh well, never mind, sleep with who like so long as you like me best?"

She pushed past me and started to gather the rest of her things together in a little pile by the door as quickly as possible, obviously eager to get away from me. She was cold and empty. She wanted nothing to do with me. I followed her round, pleading with her to listen to me, reiterating how sorry I was, insisting that I needed her and that I'd never forgive myself for what I'd done. She said that made two of us on both counts. At least that means she needs me, even if she doesn't want me anymore, I guess. When she was all packed, she stood in the living room, paused and looked around to check she had everything. I couldn't bear for it to be goodbye. I asked her if there was no way we could work through this and she said no. I cried. She tried not to. She stepped forward and put her hands on my hips, almost kindly. She said that she couldn't be around me anymore because every time she saw me, all she could think about was me and Hugo and it was destroying her from the inside. She told me that she couldn't believe that after everything we'd been through, everything we'd endured together, I could have done this to us. Before she'd found out what I'd done there would have been nothing she wouldn't have done for me but this was too much to take and for her own sanity, she couldn't be with me now. She finished by saying that she'd given me everything she had, her heart, her soul, her mind and her body; she'd taken the scariest risk of her life by being with me even though she was 'damaged goods' but that I'd trashed it and that that was something she just couldn't recover from. And then she left.

Ever since then, I've been wallowing in my own grief. In Joey's hurry, she left her Ipod again. I've taken it down to the pier with me. I'm almost holding it to ransom by keeping it with me. If she wants it, she'll have to see me again to get it. And then maybe we can talk some more. I hated everything she said to me today. I hated the broken expression on her face as she spoke. And I hated the fact that everything she said is true. Except for her being damaged goods. She shouldn't refer to herself that way. It's not right. She's not… she's perfect. She's beautiful and wonderful and strong and funny and kind. She's so heartbreakingly perfect. I know there's no hope for us. After everything we've been through, we've finally gone too far. If I pressure her too much now, she'll run away and I really will lose her forever. Maybe I just need to wait for her. Surely she knows how much I love her and how desperately I want to be with her? Perhaps she'll come round of her own accord? Perhaps she'll think life without me isn't good enough and she'll come back? I've always been a bit of a fantasist. No, I know how this is going to go. Joey will survive because that's what she does. She will miss me because she loves me as a genuinely as she always said she did. But she'll cope and then she'll meet someone else. And I'll fall apart. I'll probably drink too much and end up in bed with the wrong person – yet again because let's face it, I don't learn from my mistakes – and I'll tumble through this pit of despair, proving every day to Joey that she got out at the right time. I'll sink while she floats. She'll move on and aim high. She'll excel at work, fall in love and be happy like she deserves to be. And I'll live a pointless existence, watch from a distance and never stop punishing myself for letting the best thing that ever happened to me slip through my fingers. Who says I don't have ambition?


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Tuesday 28****th**** April 2009**

**2:04am**

I'm currently at Adam and Steve's hotel, a little bit drunk, still pretty maudlin and trying to ignore the fact that this was the same building in which Charlie and I first made love. You know, before she stabbed me in the back and opened her legs for Hugo. I mean, yuck! He's not even good looking! With his scruffy hair and stubble and… penis. But hey, I should have known. Charlie's a straight girl through and through. She was never going to stick with me, was she? And who could blame her? What have I got to offer her? I'm just a small-town girl, a rape victim, constantly homeless, from a lousy family, I have no real skills, I'm never going to make something particularly special of myself… Let's face it – the best thing about me was Charlie. And now she's gone. I'm driving myself crazy imaging what they did together that night. While I was miserable and alone in that horrible caravan, she was with him. Whose idea was it? How many times did they do it? What position were they in? Did Charlie enjoy it? She never answered when I asked. Did she orgasm? Was it better than anything I've been able to give her? Did she stay the night with him? Did he hold her afterwards? Was there an emotional connection? Does she have feelings for him? Any at all? Would it be better or worse if she did? Have they been in touch since it happened? What does she think of him naked? Does she find him more attractive than me? Has she ever compared us? Does he kiss better than I do? Does he kiss differently than I do? Ugh! I am never going to get any sleep tonight.

Adam and Steve have been a blessing. I called them and asked them to wait up for me and said I'd be an hour or so depending on buses. I guess they heard my tone of voice because the next thing I knew, Steve was telling me to stay where I was and that they were coming to get me. I finished collecting stuff from Charlie's house (not my home anymore) and dumping it at Brett's (also not my home anymore) and then waited outside the Surf Club for my friends to come and get me to take me to their place. In the car, I tearfully explained what had happened and they've been great. Once we were in their living room, they set a large glass of wine in front of me and the three of us drank for a good few hours. They asked if it was the kind of night where they needed to a) say bad things about Charlie, b) take me out and get me laid or c) listen without insulting Charlie because I still loved her too much to hear a bad word against her but I could still curse her name as much as I liked. I love gay men. They always know exactly how to make me laugh, even when my world is collapsing around me. I opted for C. I hurled a lot of abuse that I didn't really mean at Charlie and they slipped a few times and added a couple of things in, mostly for humorous effect and once we'd ploughed through three bottles of wine and started yawning, they booked me into a room free of charge and now I'm here unable to sleep. I'm so glad I know these guys. I don't know what I would have done or where I would have gone without them. I couldn't have gone to Brett's, although his place is useful for storing my stuff. He didn't get much say about it and I didn't give him any time to gloat about Charlie, although it doesn't take a genius to work out that everything has gone tits up. And I certainly couldn't have slept at Charlie's house. I know she's on a night shift tonight and will be busy saving Summer Bay one crime at a time but the thought of sleeping in a bed that we've shared together and created so many memories in just makes me want to cry. There is no way I was going to check into the Bay's only hotel – one near-murder and mine and Charlie's first kiss pretty much overrides any intention of mine to stay there and the caravan park is chaos tonight. So Adam and Steve are all I have. See, I'm a fountain of prospects. I can't think why Charlie would stray from me!

After my last entry, I went for a walk and stumbled upon a fire at the caravan park. Everything was crazy as Miles, Ruby, Jai and others were trying to put out one of the vans. Instinct took over and I leapt in to help. I have no idea what started it. To be honest, I don't really care but obviously it needed dealing with, especially once we realised that Geoff and some girl (I think her name is Claudia) were in the caravan. They managed to get Claudia out but Geoff passed out from smoke inhalation so Jai jumped in to save him. We managed to get everyone a safe distance away. The fire brigade, ambulance and police were called and I made sure Ruby was alright. She was curious as to why I was there and if I was okay. The last thing I wanted to do was start bitching about her sister so I said I'd just fancied a walk. Then of course, her sister walked in. So I walked out. I thought I could hide outside for a while because Charlie was all dressed up in her uniform so she obviously had a job to do. She's always so committed to work; I wasn't expecting her to rush out after me. I couldn't help but feel special, that professionalism flew out of the window for me. And feeling special makes me feel pathetic. I can't mean that much to her or else we wouldn't be in this damn mess.

Seeing Charlie was hard. All I wanted to do was sink down on my knees, hold onto her waist and beg her to tell me why she did it, why she couldn't love me enough to stay faithful. But I was too broken, too numb to handle that conversation. I keep hoping that Charlie will give me a reason to forgive her, to take her back. It's pathetic, I know but I want so badly for all of this to go away. I just want us to be 'us' again. I want there to be no such thing as Hugo or Charlie's little dalliance with temporary insanity. I want life to be how I thought it was this week – perfect us. I want it to be trips to the city, days out on the beach, snuggles, sex, laughter and love. I want it to be breakfasts with my 'family' and lunches with my lover. I don't want it to be about finding earrings in the house of the man that the love of my life screwed last week behind my back. That's not fair. That's not how this was supposed to go. It's not what I signed up to and it's not what makes sense. I keep thinking back to the night we got together. Charlie was so frightened and so fragile. She was so nervous about finally admitting that she loved and wanted to be with me. Why go through everything we went through just to throw it all away again on a whim, an impulse decision? I don't get it. I feel so lost.

Outside, words tumbled out of Charlie's mouth about how she hadn't meant to hurt me (don't cheat on me then) and that it was a mistake. She said twice that it was a mistake. I spent a lot of the time staring into her eyes and there was so much pain in her expression that I know she was telling the truth. I understand that she would take it back if she could but the problem is that she can't. She can regret sleeping with Hugo all she wants, but she can't turn back the clock. She did it and now she has to live with the consequences. How can she expect us to go back to the way were after this? How could I ever be sexual with her again knowing where she's been and what she's done? I'd drive myself crazy with comparisons and paranoia and I know that I'd destroy us by not trusting her. I can see myself always demanding to know where she is and what she's doing, constantly afraid of her going with someone else – or with him again. And if she ever dared to so much as look at him or talk to him, I'd lose the plot. That's no way for either of us to live, is it? My heart might be willing me to forgive and forget but my head knows I can't. Not now and maybe not ever. But definitely not now. It's too raw.

Charlie tried to explain herself but it was all so hollow. She said everything had felt so wrong that day and blamed it on being accused of using her position to seduce me. Well, she may not have conducted herself badly sexually when it came to getting with me but she did the night she had sex with Hugo. That was some terrible decision making at its best. I still can't believe she did this. I accused her of trying to prove her heterosexuality and she admitted that it was probably true. In the best case scenario, that's true, I suppose. It's the best rationalisation in my head but it's only the best of a bad bunch. I know it's something for me to cling to when my mind starts to wander and I start panicking about not satisfying her. What if I haven't been fulfilling her? What if for the week and half that we've been together, Charlie's been faking it with me? What if the truth is that she got so sexually frustrated that she just had to go with a man to satisfy her desires? I was feeling so confident about that side of things before but now I feel so deflated. I got everything I wanted and more from Charlie. What if it wasn't the same for her? I'd feel awful. In my head we were this hot, horny, happy couple – but what if we weren't? I gave her everything I had. I was creative, thoughtful, varied, spontaneous and imaginative. We used props and played games as well as had the ability to keep it simple but meaningful. And she seemed to really enjoy herself. But then, if I've learned anything about Charlie today, it's that she's a good liar. What if she's just been pretending this whole time? Do I even want to know if she was?

Anyway, I'm getting side tracked. Outside, Charlie was pleading with me to give her another chance. She talked about being in so much pain that night because she hadn't even been allowed to speak to me. How does she think I coped? I was in the same position. But I didn't go and bang someone else. I simply waited for her and held onto my faith that everything would be okay. I kept on with the mantra that 'we will endure' and believed that the police would ignore Brett's stupid claim. I didn't let things get so on top of me that I destroyed the one thing that was keeping both of us strong – us. We've said from the moment we got together that we would cope as long as we were together. Now, I don't know what either of us will do.

I asked Charlie if she'd enjoyed it but she avoided the question, which is not helping my paranoia. I keep getting these images of Charlie screaming Hugo's name in some kind of wild orgasm and then throwing her beautiful body against him, glistening with sweat and telling him how much better he was than me. Realistically, even if he was, I know Charlie isn't cruel enough to do that but I can't stop thinking about it. And I can't even hold that tightly to that claim because right now I don't feel like I know Charlie at all. Yesterday I would have said that Charlie would never have cheated on me in the first place and now look what's happened.

I guess the thing that hurts the most is that she lied to me. It's unlikely but possible that I might have been able to handle it if, when she'd come home the next morning after her dirty, disgusting night and I'd humiliated myself by greeting her like a puppy and told her how much I'd missed her and how it had been torture not being with her the night before… I've lost where I was going with that sentence. My bitterness engulfed me. Oh, yes – it's possible that if she'd sat me down, told me the truth and begged me to forgive her that eventually, I might have been able to. If we'd have talked about it properly, if she'd have explained everything and categorically told me that he was the most lousy lay ever, that we might have been able to work through it together. But she didn't do that. She went out to get me lunch. And now that I think about it, she took an exceptionally long time. Where was she? What was she doing? Who was she doing it with? Then we washed the car. Then, after I got out of the shower, she got all emotional. I thought it was a hangover from Brett but actually it was her guilt about sleeping with a man behind my back. And she let me _comfort_ her. Then she made love to me. For hours. And hours. She wouldn't let me touch her, she told me that it was all for me, she brought me to climax so many times that I was exhausted and she made me think it was because she loved me so much but it was a lie. It was all because she felt ashamed of herself. I guess she was trying to cleanse herself of what she'd done. And then throughout the week she made such an effort to be 'out and proud' but again, it all feels so hollow now that I know it wasn't because she was okay with us, it was because she had something to prove. And then our wonderful weekend away is yet another thing tarnished by the fact that it was wrapped up with deceit. I don't know who she is anymore. I can never trust her again.

I told her that by going straight from Hugo back to me makes me feel like I mean nothing to her and she looked like I'd punched her in the face. She desperately tried to tell me that she'd lied because she was trying to protect me. Yeah, right. She was trying to protect herself. She's convinced herself that the only reason she didn't tell the truth was because she was afraid of losing me. But she should have known that the truth always outs, especially round here. She was an idiot if she thought I wouldn't discover her sordid night of passion. I just feel stupid that it took me a week to figure it out. Looking back, there were so many signs but being so ridiculously in love, I never would have suspected Charlie of a misdeed. Up until today, Charlie was perfection personified in my eyes. I wish I never had found out. I would have been more than happy to go on living a lie. We would have been so happy pretending that she'd never made this stupid mistake.

Part of me wanted to take her back tonight but I know I can't do that. Even if one day we did get back together – which is very, very unlikely – it can't be now. Even so, while I was gazing at her, so sad, it took all my willpower not to gather her up into my arms, hold her, kiss her and tell her everything would be okay. I don't think I have ever seen someone look so sorry for themselves before. But Ruby interrupted us. She said that people were waiting for Charlie, who had abandoned her duties to talk to me. Charlie clearly didn't want to. I left then. I couldn't handle the emotions running through me or through her and I didn't think it was fair on anyone to keep holding proceedings up. Miles, Ruby, Jai, Geoff, Claudia and everyone had been through a massive trauma with the fire and everything and they needed their police officer to do her best for them.

I ended up nursing a glass of wine at the Surf Club but got interrupted by Hugo of all people. He was one of the two worst people I could have seen at that moment. If I hadn't been so depressed and depleted of all energy I think I would have thrown my drink over him. But looking at him, standing there all nervous and sheepish for thrusting his cock inside my girlfriend (the wine I had with Adam and Steve is obviously loosening my tongue) just made him pathetic and I actually felt a little sorry for him. He hovered nearby and told me that Charlie was looking for me. So, she obviously spoke to him after I'd seen her at her house. Great. I wonder just how much time they spend together. And what they talk about. And what they do. I'm working on the assumption that all this happened just once but what if it was more than that? No. Now I know I'm overreacting and catasrophising. I know it was just that once. I can't trust Charlie on much right now but she would have owned up if it was more than that. Plus, stupid Hugo would have revealed it when I tricked him. Moron.

In his defence, Hugo did attempt to shoulder all the responsibility for what happened the night and he genuinely seemed to feel really bad about it. But it takes two to tango and I know that Charlie was at least 50% to blame. She's already basically admitted to me that she slept with Hugo because she wanted to feel normal, whatever that might be. And all that says to me is that she knew exactly what she was doing. And that with me, she'll never feel that way. And as someone who has only ever wanted to feel normal her entire life, I know it means that Charlie and I can never really be happy together. I can accept that I'm gay. I like girls. I have always liked girls. I like their hair, their eyes, their breasts, their legs, their everything. I like kissing them, touching them, sleeping with them, having flings, relationships… all kinds of things. That's it. I like girls. I'm used to it now. I'm bordering on proud. Being with Charlie makes me feel normal. She makes me feel complete. But Charlie is far from being in the same place as me. She's only ever liked guys before, she doesn't understand why she likes me and she doesn't know if she just likes me or if she likes other girls too. She hasn't got a clue how she identifies and her world has turned upside down. Being with me makes her feel abnormal. It makes her feel unsettled. She can't handle it. She doesn't like it. And everyone craves normality, no matter what they say.

Hugo said that on 'that night', Charlie was confused, messed up and irrational and that he took advantage when she was vulnerable. I stated firmly that she had a choice and she made it. He obviously feels really guilty about it. I wasn't very receptive to him but I wonder now if there was some truth in what he said. Was Charlie in her right mind? I mean, sometimes people do crazy things when they're upset. But no, that's no excuse. Hurt or not, you still know the difference between right and wrong. She still cheated on me. When we got together, we didn't say it was some casual thing. We were in it for the long haul. We pledged commitment to each other. We were discussing the future – houses, boats, pets… We were talking about babies for crying out loud! You don't go in for all of that and then break it on a whim because you had a bad day.

Hugo implored me to forgive Charlie for making a mistake. They keep referring to it as a mistake – him and Charlie both. I'm starting to hate the word. It's not like it was something small. It wasn't like she posted a letter without a stamp or she washed colours with whites! Those are mistakes! She took my love and my trust and she threw it back in my face. She lied to me. She cheated on me. How can I forgive that? Charlie was the best thing that ever happened to me. She's been my reason for living since I met her. I look back on my life and everything seemed like it was survivable because I had Charlie. Through battling with my sexuality, having no friends at school, losing my Mum, the struggles I had with Dad, never quite knowing what my place in the world was, everything with Robbo and everything with Brett… Charlie became my light at the end of the tunnel. Life was starting to get so good again because I had her. And now I've lost her. Now I've lost myself.

I walked out on Hugo saying that I hoped he could make Charlie happy because I obviously can't, and then headed to Charlie's house, hoping nobody would be home. Ruby was there. She pounced on me as soon as I arrived, having figured out what had happened. She followed me around while I packed my stuff up, which made it harder and easier simultaneously. On the one hand, it meant that I had no time to linger and cry over everything that had been lost, which I found difficult. I'd wanted to spend a little time amongst Charlie's stuff and say goodbye to it, to her but with Ruby there, I didn't feel like I could do that. But then, it made it easier in some ways because perhaps it wouldn't have been helpful to do that. And besides, I have enough of her etched in my memory that I probably didn't really need to spend a vast amount of time hugging her teddy bear or anything. I didn't manage to get everything I wanted anyway because it was too much to carry and frankly, I was exhausted, physically and emotionally, so I have to go back for the rest of it tomorrow so maybe I'll have some time then.

Ruby begged me to stay and insisted that Charlie was crazy about me. Yep – crazy enough to sleep with someone else! Obviously Charlie and Ruby have been discussing this whole thing at length because Ruby knew exactly why Charlie hadn't confessed. She said that she knew what Charlie had done was unforgivable but that she'd kept it a secret because she hadn't wanted to lose me. I'm getting pretty sick of that line. If she didn't want to lose me then she should have kept her hands to herself. Not to mention other parts of her body. But I'm not prepared to get poor Ruby involved in our traumas, even if her sister is. She had such a hard time getting her head around us being together but she got used to it quickly and she has been so supportive. She's been wonderful to me since the first moment we met and it's unfair to drag her into this. She asked where they could reach me and I said I didn't know but that I'd be back tomorrow for the rest of my things. I'm going to text her in the morning to make sure that Charlie isn't around when I go to collect my stuff. I really don't want to see her again. I'm tired of her trying to explain herself.

I dragged my bags across town, let myself into Brett's house and dumped them in a heap in my bedroom. Brett found me and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. I told him I was using my room as storage but I wouldn't be sticking around and then I left and waited for Adam and Steve. And now here I am, still heartbroken.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter Thirty: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Tuesday 28****th**** April 2009**

**18:00**

Joey's gone. It's over. She kissed me goodbye. And she left.

**Tuesday 28****th**** April 2009**

**19:30**

I can't believe she walked out. She just sailed away. I don't even think she wanted to. But essentially I forced her. My stupidity meant that it was impossible for her to stay here. She's gone for a minimum of three months. I drove my Joey away. I've lost her. I've lost everything. I hate myself.

**Tuesday 28****th**** April 2009**

**20:42**

What's she doing now? Is she thinking about me or is she focussing on her new life? What's going to happen with us when she gets back? Will anything happen at all? Or have I lost her forever? Probably. I don't deserve her. I feel sick. I can't breathe.

**Tuesday 28****th**** April 2009**

**21:53**

Ruby keeps calling me but I don't want to pick up. I don't want to go home. I don't want to talk to or see anyone. I just keep staring out at the horizon hoping that Joey will get that clapped out old boat to turn around and bring her home again. I'd do anything to keep her with me. Anything.

**Tuesday 28****th**** April 2009**

**22:03**

Joey, please come home. I miss you. I love you. I'm so sorry. I need you. I can't do this by myself. Please? Please come home. Please?

**Tuesday 28****th**** April 2009**

**23:49**

I'm at home in bed. Ruby and Xavier came and found me and steered me home. I couldn't talk to them but I gather that Joey sent a text somehow to ask Ruby to make sure I was okay. After everything I've done she still cares. That's my Joey. No, not my Joey anymore. I feel numb.

**Wednesday 29****th**** April 2009**

**04:30**

I slipped out early (or late, depending on your perspective) and left Ruby a note. She came to spend the night in my room to keep me company. Maybe she was trying to keep me safe. To be honest, I have no idea what I'm capable of right now. She tucked me into bed and I could barely co-operate. The only thing that filled my head was the image of Joey on that boat, staring back at me as she sailed into the distance. I can't believe she's gone. At least while she was here there was always that possibility of winning her back, or even, failing that, of bumping into her, seeing her from a distance. But now she's gone. She'll be away from me for a minimum of three months. It feels like she's left me forever. I can still feel her kiss on my lips. I hope I'll never stop feeling it, even though it was a kiss goodbye. Right now, I'm sitting in my car, the car that's been a focal point for so much of our romance. It was in these seats that Joey and I decided to go for it. We shared or hopes and our fears. We kissed tentatively here and then to the point where we knew there would be no turning back because we were so consumed with each other so we headed out to a hotel. It was by kissing in this car the following morning that we were first found out by Ruby. We've taken a fair few journeys in here together, laughing, talking, singing and playing stupid games. She nearly made me crash on more than one occasion by running her hand up and down my thigh or by leaning over and kissing my neck in that way that drives me crazy. I don't think anyone has ever had the effect on me that Joey Collins does. I don't think anyone ever will. If only I had been able to remember that when Hugo found me that night on the beach. It was this car that played a huge part in our downfall too. When Brett scrawled 'queer' on the side of it, that kick-started a massive chain of events that caused me to behave like an imbecile and eventually lose one of the two most important people in my life. So now I'm here, parked at the beach, waiting for the sunrise. Joey's probably getting up right about now, getting ready to start work, wherever she is. It's strange how I can picture her so clearly, right down to the little beanie that she's probably got on her head. I wonder what life on a trawler will be like for her. I guess it'll be hard work but then, she's hardly work shy. And her first love is being out on the water. I worry for her though. Will she get along with her colleagues? I hope she doesn't find any trouble out there. I hope she doesn't suffer nightmares like she used to. She only had a couple of bad nights sleep while we were together. She claimed that I was her cure. How will she sleep now? Is she safe out there? What if there's a storm or something? Where is she going? Will she sleep on the boat or will they stay somewhere on land? What kind of people will she meet? Will she find another girlfriend? Will she fall in love with someone else and forget about me? She should. I know she should. And if I was a better person than I am, I should be happy for her. If I was a better person than I am I wouldn't have driven her away.

After she'd packed up, I took her Ipod down to the pier and sat by myself for a little while. I wrote in here for a bit and then sat with my feet dangling in the water listening to the music she had stored on the device. I repeated _Love Only Hurts_ a fair few times, I must admit. That song will always remind me of Joey. That was the moment that I knew I loved her. I didn't tell her. I don't think I've ever admitted to her exactly when I knew, although she admitted it to me readily enough. But I knew on the boat, the same as she did, that I'd fallen desperately, unwillingly in love with Joey. Just thinking about that moment on the boat when we were holding hands, standing so close, hearts thumping and so ready to kiss, makes me tingle. If I could go back to that moment, knowing everything I know now, I wouldn't run from her. I would hold her in my arms, capture her mouth with mine and kiss her a thousand times. I'd never let her go. If I had my time again there are so many things that I would do differently. There are so many mistakes I would rectify. Joey and I could have been happy for so much longer. We could still be happy now if it wasn't for my muddled mind. Why couldn't I save us?

While I was listening to music, Ruby came and sat beside me. She had a library period and she came to find me because she was worried. It was sweet of her. Retrospectively, I have a lot to thank Ruby for. I know she found it hard to accept that Joey and I were an item but once she did accept it, she was amazing. And if it hadn't been for her, I never would have had the chance to say goodbye. She asked me what had happened with Joey earlier. I said we'd talked a little and that Joey had run off as soon as she could. Ruby admitted to wanting us to make up. I guess that makes two of us. She seemed as sad last night as I was. Ruby challenged me on the pier in a way that only she can get away with me. I said that all I could do was wait for Joey to miss me enough to come back and she looked aghast that I was being so defeatist and willing to give up and let her go. I asked what I ought to do.

"Fight for her, Charlie!" she said very firmly.

I thought about it for a little while, wondering silently how the hell I could fight for someone that I'd betrayed so badly. What right did I have to even try? Ruby told me to go and tell her how badly I wanted to be with her, to tell her all the things that she needed to hear, to do anything necessary to make it work. So I got up and I ran to Brett's house hoping to find her there.

Brett was typically unwelcoming. He told me that Joey had taken a job that meant she would be away for several months. Obviously that was news to me and he said it was news to him too. Apparently she'd shown up that morning to grab her stuff and now she was gone. Without thinking, I broke into a run and headed towards the wharf, praying that I would catch her in time.

Joey was tossing her bags on deck when I arrived. I slowed when I realised she'd seen me and wasn't hurling herself on board as quickly as possible. I didn't want to be so out of breath from my sprint that I couldn't talk to her once I'd reached her. She looked vulnerable and small, torn between wanting to tell me to get lost and wanting to hear me out. Fortunately, she did the latter. I'd only just made it in time. They were literally about to head out and we only had a few precious moments together. I was desperate to make them meaningful. I didn't have any fancy words. All I could do was beg her to stay but she was firm about having made up her mind. I pleaded with her to change it and give us time to work through what had happened but she refused, even though I know her well enough to realise that it was touch and go. Perhaps if I'd had more time to convince her, she might have stayed. She looked like she wanted to stay. Right up until the last moment I had a clear view of her beautiful features, she looked like she wasn't sure she'd done the right thing. But she told me that it would never work if she stayed. I said she didn't know that but she insisted that she knew herself. She told me that it was one thing to say she could forgive me and that she could get over what I did but saying it didn't make it true. I get where she was coming from. It was hard to take, knowing that it meant saying goodbye, but when she said it like that, I understood. So much of what Joey and I have been through together has been about me. I guess this needs to be about her now. She needs to do what's right for herself and stop putting me first, even if what's right for her is hard on both of us.

The only thing that gave me hope was her saying that in three months things might be easier for us. I'm now clinging to the idea that she'll be home in three months time and then we can start working through it all. Perhaps with time and distance, new experiences and a chance to live without each other, we'll learn to live with each other. I know I have a lot of crap to sort out in my own head. Maybe that's what I need to spend the next three months doing. If I can make myself strong and settled, perhaps I can be the person that Joey needs me to be when she gets home. And similarly, Joey's been through so much over these last couple of months, maybe some time away from it all – from Summer Bay, her brother, Robbo and me (as much as I hate putting myself in the same bracket) – will help her to heal and feel strong again. I feel sad because I wanted to be the person to help her heal but I guess sometimes it doesn't work that way. Sometimes you need to do these things for yourself.

I did protest about the three-month thing. I couldn't help it. I can rationalise about it now but at the time, she might has well have told me she was leaving forever and I told her so. I begged her to stay again. She looked so torn, gazing between me and the boat and then back to me again before telling me she had to go. I could hardly bear to watch as she hoisted her bag onto her shoulder and prepared to get on board, prepared to leave me. And yet somehow, I couldn't tear my eyes away, knowing this could be the last time I ever saw her. I know she says that she'll be back in three months time but at this point I can hardly trust anything and it honestly feels like three years. It's only been a few hours and I feel like it's already been days.

I gave Joey her Ipod back and she looked devastated, as if I was handing back her love somehow. I let my fingers touch hers deliberately and that same spark was still there, even just through our fingertips. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to grab hold of her and try to keep her on land, keep her with me. I wanted to tell her… I don't even know what I wanted to tell her. I wanted to say a thousand things. I wanted her to know that I love her, that I'll miss her, that I'm sorry, that I need her, that I'll wait for her, that in three months time I'll be right here to welcome her home, desperate to try again and make things work. But the words were all jumbled in my head and I couldn't speak. I hope she knows. I hope to God she knows all of those things.

Right before she left, Joey told me that she'd miss me. I still couldn't speak. I knew I'd break if I tried any words so I just nodded. I hope she understood. She leaned in and kissed me then. Her hand flew into my hair as she pulled me close to her, pressing my mouth hard against hers, both of us rushing together with all the hurt and pain, love and loss we were experiencing. It was a simple kiss. It was barely even passionate. It wasn't romantic. But so much was said between us that couldn't have been uttered in words. Then she jumped on board and stood there while the boat pulled away. We never broke eye contact as she drifted further and further out of my reach. As the vessel turned to head out of the Bay, she hurried to the back so that she could keep looking at me, alone on the wharf, for as long as possible. I saw her mouth move. I don't know if she called something out or not. I didn't hear anything. I guess I'll never know. But I gazed at her retreating body until she wasn't even a dot in the distance. And then I fell to my knees in a hysterical heap on the wooden floorboards.

I stayed there for a good long while, crying and writing a little. I haven't been able to get Joey out of my head since. Looking back, I haven't been able to get Joey out of my head since I first met her. If I've learnt anything over the last couple of months it's that I've just loved and lost my soul mate. I got so focussed on the details of her being female that I completely missed the point, the bigger picture, which that I was lucky enough to find her in the first place. Now I need to do whatever it takes to make myself good enough to get her back.

The sun is well and truly up now. Joey's probably awake and busy already. I just had to come out here this morning. It made me feel like I was spending time with her somehow. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to get through the next three months. They're going to be excruciating. I just feel so empty. With Joey gone there is already a void. But I need to fill it with myself. I need to be a whole, complete person, someone loving and loveable for when she returns. I have a lot to prove when she gets home. It won't be an easy task to make her stay but I'm going to give it everything I have. I'm going to give _her_ everything I have. I may not be the best person in the world, but I'm going to give her the best I've got to offer and I'm hoping that's enough.


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter Thirty-One: Ruby Buckton's Secret Musings**

**Wed 29****th**** April 2009**

**9:04PM**

Charlie and I have been through a hell of a lot together in our years but I swear this is the most broken she has ever been. And I am including the time that one of her boyfriends cheated on her with her best friend, the time that another boyfriend dumped her via the phone when they'd been dating for a year and I'm even including Roman Time. I just hope she doesn't go off and do the whole 'I hate the world, I'm going to drink myself into oblivion thing' because that is really not fun. Right now, I don't think she has the energy to do much, to be honest. After Joey left yesterday, Charlie just sat there on the wharf until dark. I wasn't fussed at first because I presumed that she and Joey had made up and were off doing things that makes my brain want to fall out. But eventually I started calling just to ask if she was alright and got no response. That's when I received a message from Joey. When the message first came though, I presumed it was her and Charlie texting together from her phone. But the message read: "I've gone away 4 a few months. Sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Please look after Charlie 4 me and make sure she gets home safely tonight. J xx". So Xavier and I went down and found her just sitting on the wharf. She didn't even look like herself. She was just slumped, looking like she couldn't bear to feel any emotion. She neither recognised nor responded to us and getting her home was literally a case of picking her up, slinging her arms round both our shoulders and forcing her to put one foot in front of the other. I tucked her into bed and then curled up beside her, after I'd said goodbye to Xavier, who has been so supportive over this whole thing. He's been so sweet and it's not even like he doesn't have his own stuff going on. I crept in beside Charlie in an attempt to keep her company. I attempted the whole conversation thing but Charlie either wouldn't or couldn't talk.

She was gone when I woke up this morning. She'd come back to earth enough to tell me that she'd gone for a walk and she was home when I got in tonight. She was a little more communicative and thanked me for my support. But what else am I going to do, except support her? Charlie means everything to me. It's been us against the world for so long. Okay, so I might have freaked a little when she suddenly announced that she was into girls, or more specifically, into Joey, but that wasn't really what it was about. I pride myself on knowing Charlie better than she knows herself and she's the same with me. We just connect somehow. And I had no idea at all that the Joey thing was going to happen. I mean, it was obvious from day one that Joey was into Charlie. Her eyes never left her and she'd get a big grin on her face whenever they were talking or mucking around. And retrospectively, Charlie was probably responding even then but I still didn't see it coming. I thought it might play out that Joey the Lesbian would have a crazy crush on my straight sister, like that girl... I forget her name, did while they were training. I never even considered that Charlie would fall just as deeply in love. So, while I have never ever had anything against gay people – finding out that Charlie was whatever the hell she is, upset me on the basis that it was something I didn't know about her.

But really, once I saw them together (the third time, when they _weren't _making out, which with a man or a woman, I don't want to see my own sister do!), I started to be able to deal. They're so natural together. I realised that Charlie gets the same grin on her face around Joey and I wonder now why I didn't spot it before. They make each other so happy. Maybe you don't have to be fully gay or whatever to find love with someone of the same gender. I only like guys. I only like Xavier. I don't really know about this stuff but I still don't think Charlie is a fully fledged lesbian. I don't think she ever will be. She just loves Joey.

And they were happy together until she messed it up. I can still hardly believe that she slept with Hugo. Once upon a time, closing my eyes to the details, I would have been thrilled. I wanted them to date (largely because then Charlie would have to accept Xavier and get to know him better). But now I realise that she's meant to be with Joey. And now she realises it too. But although I have no doubt that Joey still loves Charlie, I understand why she had to go. I mean, so much has happened to her here and Charlie cheating on her was probably the last straw.

I just wish it had worked out some other way. I'd thought that Charlie would be able to fix things but I guess there are some mistakes that you just can't take back. I gather that Joey's only away for three months though so maybe when she comes home... You never know. On the downside, I now have to put up with miserable Charlie. She is literally bordering on vacant! She doesn't want to do anything and she doesn't want to talk. So far tonight, all she managed to do was stare at a point just beyond the television show we were watching. And it was a cop show! Normally she yells at the characters that they're doing it wrong and unrealistically, to the point where the rest of us miss the plot! But today – nothing. It's like she left with Joey yesterday. This is just a shell of her former self that we're meant to be interacting with somehow.

I know she'll pull herself together. I know she'll start speaking, probably run around solving other people's problems in order to avoid her own and work excessively hard over the next three months. But right now, I can't see her being herself again, not until Joey comes back and they can sort this mess out. I hope they can fix things. And if Charlie can stay faithful while Joey's away, I'm sure that'll go a long way to proving her love and commitment. And that's all Joey ever wanted. She quite obviously loves Charlie to the point that her heart's threatening to bust out of her chest. And I think all she wanted was for Charlie to love her back. And when she did, Joey was so happy. And so was Charlie. But now that it's over, I doubt Joey is coping any better, to be perfectly honest.

This whole situation is beyond sad. I know I accused Charlie of living in Pretend Lesbian Land but I honestly think this is real. I gave her hell for sleeping with Hugo but thinking about it now, he took advantage of her. There is no way Charlie was in her right mind that night. She was devastated and vulnerable and he chose to sleep with her anyway, even though it was only what she thought she wanted. And I've told him so. He didn't take it on board. I didn't expect him to but I hope every time he sees the lonely mess my sister's in, that he feels guilty. I guess all that's left to do is wait for Joey to come back. But three months is a long, long time to be putting up with Charlie as she is. But of course, I'll do it. I love her and she would do the same for me. We protect each other. We've always protected each other. She's spent most of her life taking care of me, especially since Mum died and Dad got sick. Now it's my turn to give her something back. I think I'll go and check on her and see if she needs anything. Honestly... between Charlie, Joey and Hugo; Geoff and Claudia and I heard on the grapevine that Nicole and Aden have been getting pretty close too... Between all of them, I think the whole town needs to go on Relationship Training and remembering how to be in the right bedroom, with the right person, at the right time!


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter Thirty-Two: Joey Collins' Diary**

**Tuesday 28****th**** April 2009**

**4:39pm**

I can't believe that I'm leaving Summer Bay. I can't believe that I'm leaving Charlie Buckton. But I am and I'm not even saying goodbye. Part of me wants to run to her but what's the point? It's not like she won't understand why I've left. What is there left to say? I can't leave in a storm of righteous anger because I don't even feel that anymore. All I feel is sad. Empty. Hollow. And what purpose would that kind of goodbye pose? It would just make me want to stay and leave us both in tears. No, I think it's best if I just go. Maybe once I've gone, I'll be able to gather my thoughts together enough to write to her. The job is only three months long and the pathetic part of me hopes that maybe then, Charlie and I could work out. Sometimes I wish I could just cut out the part of me that loves Charlie so much. I wish it would just die. But I don't think you develop strong feelings like that for someone and ever have them go away. I think they'll always be there, even hidden deeply. She changed my life. She saved me. She protected me. And even if it was only for a short time, she loved me. It breaks my heart to think something as cheap as cheating would be the end of us but as much as I want to forgive and forget, at this point in time, I don't think I have the capacity. Charlie's broken me and I need to find away to heal myself. I need to find a way to heal from everything. I need to learn to be happy by myself and not rely on another person, not rely on her. Maybe I can come back a different person. Maybe I can return as the kind of person that Charlie could truly love and respect and stay with. If she loves me as much as she keeps saying, three months apart would surely be hard for her. And if they're hard enough, perhaps when I get back she'll be able to get her head around the fact that she's not heterosexual. As much as I've been focussing on the sex part, as much as I let my own insecurities cloud my judgement, deep down I know what Hugo was about. She was trying to feel normal. Being with a woman has blown Charlie's mind since she first knew she had feelings for me. Everything rational in her pushes against us. She can't deal. I guess I'm hoping that she'll realise what she's lost, learn that it's not such a trauma to be different and accept that she loves me. I thought she was starting to but it was all a lie. When I get back, I desperately hope things will have changed for her, for me, for us.

I'm currently sitting on the beach, absorbing the last beautiful sight of this place before I go. I left Adam and Steve's in the morning and headed straight to the dock to find a job that would take me away. Fortunately, there was something going. They were a crew member short and leaving today so I signed up as quickly as I could. Then I quit my other job, although that is one of the many things I'll be sad to leave behind.

I texted Ruby to check that Charlie wasn't home so I could collect my stuff from the house. She assured me she was out. She lied. Charlie bounded in to see me as soon as she heard movement. Even miserable, she looked breathtaking. I tried to get out of there and away from her as quickly as I could, especially knowing what I was about to do. I didn't want to end up in the kind of situation where I was telling her lies or hurting her unnecessarily. And I was still feeling pretty spiky at that time. As soon as she'd convinced me to listen to her, albeit reluctantly, she insisted that Hugo meant nothing to her. I struggled to fight tears as I finally opened up to her about what I was going through. I said I didn't know what hurt the most – the idea of her having feelings for somebody else or the idea of her sacrificing us for nothing. She told me she hadn't realised what she was losing. Well, that made me feel just wonderful. I'd believed that she loved me just as much as I loved her but if she had, she'd never have done this. I would never have betrayed her like she has me. I snapped something at her and started packing up the last of my stuff.

Charlie was pretty relentless, following me around the house and refusing to let me ignore her. She told me that she needed me and that she'd never forgive herself for what she did. It was hard to hear. I had to be tough and I just said something like, that's makes two of us. But inside my resolve was starting to crumble, even though I knew it was already too late. When I'd finished getting my stuff, Charlie asked desperately if there was any way we could work through it. Standing there with tears rolling down her cheeks, pleading with me and looking like she would do anything to keep me was almost enough to make me stay. I keep thinking that one more chance wouldn't hurt. But it would. We won't have had enough time to recover and we'd just bring each other down. I'd be suspicious and she'd be anxious. We'd fight. We'd never get back to the happiness we know we can share together. It doesn't feel like it and I know it won't to Charlie when she finds out that I've gone, but I really am doing this for our own good. I'm keeping us apart for a while so that when we're together again, we can really be together. I suppose the right thing isn't always the easy thing. And this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. From me, that feels like quite a statement. This hurts like hell.

The last thing we shared was a conversation where I told her firmly that it was over. I couldn't share the three-month thing without letting her know that I was going away. So I've left it that we were over. I put my hands on her hips and just touching her jolted my feelings. I said I couldn't be around her anymore because I couldn't get the Hugo thing out of my head and it was destroying me. I told her that I couldn't believe she'd done it, after everything that we've been through together. I said that once upon a time there would have been nothing I wouldn't have done for Charlie but this was too much. I've given her everything there is to give of myself, I took a scary risk by offering up these damaged goods to her, to be willing to love and be loved again after everything that happened and she's ruined it. I told her firmly that I couldn't be with her now, that I couldn't recover. And then I left. I felt her eyes on me until I'd closed the door but I couldn't look back. Turning my head would have broken my resolve. And I know this is the right thing to do, even if I don't want it to be.

After leaving Charlie, I grabbed the rest of my stuff from Brett's house and I've since been trying to organise myself and prepare to leave. So here I am.

**Tuesday 28****th**** April 2009**

**10:42pm**

Well, I did it. I've left. But my heart is still on the wharf where I left it. I could go to the other side of the world and my love would still be with Charlie. My first love. My only love. My true love. Betrayal aside, Charlie really is the most beautiful person I have ever known.

She found me just as I was leaving. I'm not sure how she found out that I was going. Only Brett knew and I purposely kept it that way because the likelihood of him and Charlie speaking is minimal. When I saw her running down the wharf towards me, I hardly knew what to do. I felt frozen and inarticulate and she looked overwrought. She begged me to stay and part of me wanted to take my bags off deck and fling myself into her arms. Part of me still wants to go back, although it's too late now. I'm in my little cabin with nothing but photographs and memories now and this boat isn't turning around. She pleaded with me to change my mind and as much as I wanted to, I had to tell her that it wouldn't work if I did. She remained hopeful that it would. I explained that I knew myself well enough to know that it was one thing for me to pledge forgiveness but another for me to actually be capable of doing it. She seemed to understand it in those terms, as much as she didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to say it either.

I figured as she already knew I was leaving, I could offer my own hope that in three months, things might be easier for us. But she was too upset to take it on board. She told me that three months was forever. And she's right. I have no idea how I'm going to cope without her. I have no idea what life is going to be like. Charlie was my life. She was my everything. Being apart from her, not seeing her face, not knowing how she is and what she's doing, is going to be hell. But it's too late now.

I was painfully aware that the boat was about to leave. I gazed into her face, wanting to memorise it one last time. I drank in her beauty, her guilt, her pain and I've kept it all with me. She regrets what happened and she'd take it back if she could. I know this and I appreciate it. Her sorrow is what makes me think that with time, we might genuinely be able to work through it. Surely someone as regretful as Charlie is, would learn from her mistakes and make sure that nothing like this ever happened again?

She handed back my iPod, which I must have left at the house. Most of the songs on there are a 'Charlie playlist'. While we were together, I put all the music on there that made me think of her. Perhaps when I'm feeling stronger I might be able to listen to it again but right now, I think it'd make me want to fling myself off the boat and let myself drown. When she returned it, she let her fingers brush mine on purpose. Just her touch made me want to cry. I hate knowing that I won't feel her hands for three months. I hate knowing that we're not going to kiss or laugh or talk together for that long. How am I going to bear it? Will she be alright? Will Ruby look after her? Will Charlie get bored of waiting for me and hook up with someone else? Will we even be able to be together when I get back? So much can happen in such a short space of time. What if she doesn't want me when I come back?

No, I've got to stop thinking about that. I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. Right now, I can hold onto the fact that she didn't want me to leave and that she's lost without me. That's sounds terrible but you know what I mean. She became overwhelmed when she realised that I was actually leaving and nothing she said could make me stay. She couldn't speak, although she looked like she had a lot to say. I told her that I'd miss her and all she could do was nod. But she's not good at expressing her feelings at the best of times. And this was far from the best of times.

I did kiss her goodbye. With her standing in front of me, I couldn't bear to go without taking her kiss with me. I had to share that with her one last time. And in that kiss, she told me everything that she couldn't say in words. And I hope I shared the depth of my feelings for her. It was quick and almost chaste but it was strong. It felt like the right way to say goodbye – if there is such a thing. I could barely bring myself to part from her lips or let my hands drop from her hair. I just wanted to keep the contact forever, keep her close. I hoped that if we kissed for long enough, we might be transported three months into the future. That way, neither of us would have to suffer this overwhelming pain of loss. Even though it makes me sob, I will forever cling to the memories of kissing her, holding her hand, holding her, making love to her. I'll keep replaying all our happy times until my body and soul ache to be right back there with her. Maybe through that I can process my feelings of hurt sufficiently that when I step back off this boat and into the Bay, should she be waiting for me, I can lose myself in her again and we can start afresh.

After we finally broke apart, I climbed on board and sailed away from her, never breaking eye contact and struggling to fight the urge to jump off and swim right back. I headed to the back of the boat as soon as we turned, determined to keep her in my vision for as long as humanly possible. She was just standing there, looking as lost as I felt as the gap between us got unbearably large. I considering calling out that I loved her but I stayed quiet. I didn't think it would help either of us. But she knows. It didn't need to be said. I love her and she loves me and as has always been the case, there's nothing either of us can do about it.

Now, I'm finished for the day and I'm attempting to sleep, although in this kind of situation, you're obviously always on duty. I'm hoping work will keep me busy. I've tried to keep active and occupied because every time I think about Charlie I just want to curl up and cry. Pretty much like I'm doing right now. It makes me feel physically ill to consider everything I've lost and to realise how far away from her I really am. Once I'd found a space where I had a tiny bit of reception on my phone, I sent Ruby a text. If I know Charlie as well as I think I do, she'll need her support, love and care. Even though I'm far away, I still feel the need to protect her if I can. I may be feeling hurt and betrayed but my love for her never died. I don't think it ever will. Maybe when Charlie and I have had time to heal as individuals, we can come back together as whole people and we can love each other the right way, the way I know we're meant to. Please, whoever is up there, please keep us together. Please don't let this be the end. Please enable me to forgive and take Charlie back into my arms where she belongs. Please keep her safe while I'm away and let me come back to her. Please bring us back together. Please let love overcome.


	33. Chapter 33

_Hi everyone! Thank you so much to everyone who has read this story and especially to those who have provided such wonderful, encouraging feedback. Now that Joey has TEMPORARILY (she hopes!) left the show, this story is going to be on hold until she returns. I don't want to fill the gaps because in theory we'll find out what she's been doing during her absence and I want to be true to the story – even the horrible bits! So, for now, this is the final chapter. But it'll return when she does, hopefully in three months time (or less – please, let it be less!) But, thank you so much again to everyone who has commented and followed this story. It means so much to me!_

**Chapter Thirty-Three: Charlie Buckton's Journal**

**Wednesday 30****th**** April 2009**

**19:04**

I know she's gone but I just can't get Joey out of my mind. I can't help but wonder what she's doing and how she's feeling. I called in sick to work. I never, ever do that but today I figured my presence would do more harm than good. My head is so full of confusion and grief that I'd never be able to concentrate. Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Joey and every time I open them, I still see her. My heart physically aches in my chest when I think about the fact that she's gone. I can't see her or speak to her or anything for three whole months. So far, it's only been a day and I already feel like I'm dying. I'm half tempted to try and find a way to follow her. But I know that's not the smart or decent thing to do. She left because of me. All I can do right now is wait for her, try and find a way to prove my love and hope that she'll take me back. What if she doesn't take me back though? What if she comes home and realises that she was too good for me in the first place? What if she can never forgive me? What if she meets someone else? Oh! I can't keep fretting about it or else I'll end up in some asylum by the time she returns. I need to be strong, capable and willing to commit my entire self to her. That's what I need to focus on now.

I stayed at the beach for hours this morning. I wrote a lot, thought a lot and cried a heap more. Eventually, with leg cramp I got out of the car and then spent the next hour or so leaning on the bonnet and looked out to sea. I pictured Joey on that little boat, working hard. I can imagine her waking up all sleepy and cute as she always does, blinking and yawning. I wonder if she's happy today. When we were together, she always had a spring in her step from the moment she got out of bed. Will she be like that now? Or will be sad like I am? She told me that she'd miss me and I have to believe that it's true. I can't bear for her to move on without me. That's not how it's meant to go. I wonder what she'll be wearing today and if the weather will be nice for her. I can see her standing in the sunshine, taking a momentary break from work, looking out to the sea that makes her so happy and comforted, and looking as stunning as ever. She truly is so beautiful – inside and outside. I'm keeping her photograph in my purse so that I can keep her close to me wherever I am.

After I'd been sitting for a while, I realised I had company. Aden showed up, looking as miserable as I did. He made conversation and mentioned that he'd heard Joey left. He asked me if I was okay. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I cried in front of him. I forced myself to recover, although he was so kind that I could have just crumpled into his arms and shared all my pain. But I did recover, albeit temporarily and drove him home. He probed me a little about things in the car but I didn't want to talk about it. If I talk, I cry and then it all goes wrong. I need to bottle it all up, I think. It's the only way I can cope with life without Joey.

When we got back to the house, we found Roman asleep on the couch. Apparently he stays there pretty much all the time right now. He's moody and difficult and anti-visitors (as I discovered for myself later). In the kitchen, Aden started making me a coffee. It felt so weird to be there with him. He's a nice guy but I don't know him that well. And it's hard because he was Joey's friend. He's the person I associate with her. He's the one that essentially brought the two of us together. If he hadn't turned to me for help after Joey was raped, I would never have known her. Or maybe if we're destined to be together like I hope we are, we would have found each other somehow anyway. Well, I guess that's not really important now. He double checked that Joey and I had been an item. I didn't exactly know what to say, although he didn't seem judgemental in the slightest. I was about to say yes and was on the verge of breaking down and telling him everything but Nicole came in and basically tried to throw me out because she wanted to talk to Aden. He said he was having coffee with me and that she could wait. I felt a little bad about it but it was sweet of him. By the time she walked back out of the kitchen, the moment for opening up had passed. I started freaking out about discussing everything with him. It wasn't personal but I just can't seem to talk about this stuff yet. And not with someone who was essentially Joey's best friend. And not in the house of my ex-boyfriend who was asleep only metres away. Aden understood and said we could talk about something else. He suggested football, to which I couldn't help but remark that I wasn't that gay yet. It's the first time I've been able to joke about it. Maybe that means I'm starting to get my head around this whole thing. I can only hope so.

We were chuckling over it when we heard Roman freaking out in the living room. He'd obviously been having a bad dream. Instinct took over and I tried to comfort him but being blind now, he just panicked more. Once he realised it was me, he demanded that I get out. He was yelling about how I should have called first if I'd wanted to visit. Aden stepped in and tried to explain that I hadn't been there to see Roman, that I'd just been having coffee. But Roman wouldn't hear any of it. I ran off as quickly as I could. I feel bad for upsetting him. And for not visiting him, except in a work capacity. We were so close once and I still care for him as a friend, although our relationship feels like it was thousands of years ago. It feels like a different life. I was so smitten with Roman, to the point that I tried to convince myself that he liked me back just as much, even though it was painfully obvious that he didn't.

Anyway, I hurried out of the house, leaving Aden to deal with the fallout of me coming round unannounced. Although, in my defence, Aden was the one who invited me in. Maybe he could see my suffering and wanted to make sure I was okay. He probably also wanted to know about Joey. They were pretty close while she was still around and he was so protective of her after everything that happened with Robbo. It's important to him to know she's alright, I guess. I wish I was in a position to let him know.

I didn't do very much this morning. I tried to potter around and tidy and stuff but when I got into our room... my room, I realised that Joey had left a few things behind. That pyjama top was still under her pillow and I found a bottle of perfume and the book she'd been reading called _Written on the Body_ by Jeanette Winterson. It's some lesbian book apparently. I remember having to console her during the sad parts because she took it so seriously. Maybe I'll flick through it when I'm feeling a little stronger. I sat on the bed, holding her things for a little while. In the privacy of my room, I don't mind crying but only for a short time. Moping around and weeping isn't going to solve anything. I have to be stronger about this.

I was surprised when Roman showed up at my door and I have no earthly idea how he got there unaccompanied. But he was looking a little sheepish. I get the feeling that Aden gave him a bit of a dressing down for his behaviour. But I can't be too hard on him. I mean, if I'd had a nightmare and was blind and heard different voices in my living room than I was used to, I probably would have freaked. This must be so hard for him. It's hard enough for Leah and she's not the one it's happened to. She is seriously suffering though, now that they've separated.

I made him some lunch – a salad and a sandwich, although with the constant association between Joey and my salad container, I decided not to use that. The last thing I wanted to do was break down and sob in front of Roman. And if it was over a salad container, I'm not sure he would have understood, somehow. It would have been extremely humiliating!

Roman apologised for how he'd behaved in the morning and admitted that he keeps getting nightmares. I can't say I'm surprised after what he's been through. But he didn't seem to want to talk about that. He's one of the last people to have cottoned on about me 'jumping the fence' and he wanted to know what was going on with me. He was pretty stunned and did the typical guy thing of asking if he'd put me off men. As if it's that simple! I fell for Joey because she's special and beautiful and her heart connected so perfectly with mine, not because I was lacking anything else in my life. He asked about her and I struggled. I told him that she'd gone away for a few months and that it was pretty painful, letting him know that I didn't want to talk about it. But he didn't really get that. His curiosity overruled his sensitive side. I gave him his sandwich and helped him feel it out and then sat down to eat with him. He asked if I was gay. I didn't freak out at the question, at least. Up until now, people mentioning that word has upset me and led me to doing terribly regretful things. I just told him that I didn't know and that it wasn't that simple. Maybe people think I'm overreacting but it really doesn't feel that simple. Being with Joey was easy enough. I know that I love her and that she makes me happy. It's just this label thing that I can't deal with. I don't want to make some kind of bold statement about myself. I just want to be me, without having to define whether I like guys or girls or both. All I know is that I've had relationships with men that I have been really into. And that now, I love Joey beyond the telling of it. And that nothing I've ever felt with anyone else matches what I have with her. What that means, well, I'd need about ten years of therapy to discover and that's what I told Roman.

Fortunately, we got to talking about other things, namely what's happened to him. It wasn't an easy discussion but selfishly, it felt better than talking about Joey. If I found discussing Joey and I with Aden weird, discussing her with Roman was far too much! Roman said that his blindness will resolve itself but that he was feeling unsociable. He's determined to beat it though. I pointed out that he didn't need to put up a front with me. We know each other far too well for that. I told him quite frankly that it wasn't the kind of situation that he could bandage up and forget about. He started telling me about the nightmares he's been having but then Leah came home and he panicked. They're not able to be around each other much yet and I felt awkward myself, having my housemate's ex-boyfriend who was my ex-boyfriend before he was hers, round to lunch, having just temporarily split up with my girlfriend. It's too complicated to even begin to get my head around. Leah was disappointed but Roman was keen on a very hasty exit. He was bordering on frightened. I guess it must be hard to suddenly realise people are in the room and he hasn't been aware of it.

I walked him home and tried to probe a little about the nightmares. He just muttered something about the war he fought in but didn't want to go into it any more than that. I'm worried about him. Especially as just as we were arriving home, we found Belle yelling at Aden about having sex with Nicole. That was a revelation and half, not that I'm in a position to be judgemental. Belle rushed out in a state and Roman was furious while Aden looked terrified. I got Roman to sit down and helped them attempt to talk but Roman was too angry. I don't know exactly how things were resolved, or if they even have been, because I left fairly quickly. They needed to talk and it didn't feel right to be there during something so private. I'll call them later or maybe tomorrow to see if they're okay and if I can do anything to help.

So, I've put my plan into action already. I hope I was of use to Roman, even though getting him to talk about stuff is just about as hard as it is to get me to talk about stuff. We were never particularly communicative while we were together, to be honest! Not like Joey and me. There was just something about her that made me open up, even before we were an item. I trusted her with everything. She knew all my flaws and habits and she loved me anyway. We used to spend hours just talking about anything and everything. That's one of the many things I'm going to miss so much about her. But I'll cling onto them with the hope that one day, we'll be able to do that again. Please, God, let us be able to do that again.

When I got home, I spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening with Leah. It was really nice actually. I explained better about why Roman was there and apologised for rushing out with him. She's so cut up about losing him. And it wasn't even her fault. She asked me how I was. I hadn't spoken to her directly about Joey's departure but I figure Ruby told her everything because she knew it all. I tried to shrug and say I was fine, all ready to clam up again. She told me that I was entitled to be devastated. She said that regardless of the reason why Joey left, it was obvious how much we loved each other and it was normal to feel broken now that she wasn't around. That's Leah, always honest and up front! And that's pretty much all it took for me to melt down right in front of her. She let me literally cry on her shoulder for a while. I didn't really say much. Mostly there were just tears and the odd hiccup about how much I missed Joey and how much I loved her and how I would do anything to get her back. Leah held me and she ended up crying on me over Roman. Looking each other we couldn't help but laugh at the mess we'd both found ourselves in. So we had dinner and ice cream and wine to cheer ourselves up. Now I'm hibernating. I'm the epitome of maudlin. I've got Joey's pyjama top in my lap, I've sprayed my pillow with her perfume, her book is tucked underneath that pillow and I'm surround by the few photographs I have of her and us. Looking at the pictures brings a lump to my throat. We look so happy. How could I have ruined that?

So, here I am. I've mostly survived my first post-Joey day, although it's been touch and go at several points. I just wish she was here now so I could tell her how I feel about her. Somehow it feels like I never did. I mean, she knew I loved her but after what happened, I wonder if she still knows it's true. If she was here I'd cling to her, I'd break down all my barriers and really make her understand what she means to me. But she's gone and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't even write. And don't know if she'd want me to.

**Wednesday 30****th**** April 2009**

**20:53**

Joey, I love you more than I could ever say. I made the worst mistake and I deserved to lose you – you who's so perfect and who would never ever have hurt me. All you ever wanted was to make me happy. And I hate to think that you don't think you did. You did, Joey. You made me so happy. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Maybe that's why I pushed you away. Ruby's always criticising me for not letting people get close, for warning them off. I may have panicked at the last minute but I did let you get close. I let you know who I really am. There are a lot of things I would do differently in my life if I could, but my only two regrets with you are that it took me so long to finally be with you and then that I lost you. Joey, if you'll only come back to me one day, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I will love you and cherish you, exactly as you deserve. I will hold you and never let you go. I'll get over the gay label that I have such a hard time with. I'll hold your hand and keep you close. I'll keep us together like we're supposed to be. I'll prove myself to you, if only we have a chance. I love you so much it hurts. And I'm going to let it hurt until I see you again. I'm never going to stop hoping that we can be something special. I'm going to keep you with me while you're away. I won't ever forget you, not even for a moment.


End file.
